I did tell you guys that I just finished reading the Blood Confessions, right??? I'll tell you a little bit about the story. It's based on the legend of a sadistic girl named Erzebet Bathory, and she bathes in the blood of virgins to make herself more beautiful and immortal. So yea...she killed like, a lot of young girls. But you must also sympathize with her. I can't explain it here...you must read the book. Well, haha after finishing the book I realized that me and Erzebet have a lot in common.

I like to be alone, like her. And I'm also very protective of my friends. And I don't like the idea of marriage. Marianna=Siaw ee..hahahha All I need is a couple of virgin girls and their blood. Come to think of it, I'm already halfway there. Oh yeah... and Erzebet is a countess, so she basically does anything she wants to her servants. Like me. In primary school I used to treat a lot of my classmates like servants, (tho I don't think they realized it) and it was nice having that power. Even tho I treated them like servants I used to reward them with kindness and normal friendship entertainment. So that's why they don't feel the pain. But it got to the point where I just wasn't used to rejection. So there was this time... when I slapped a very dear friend of mine. Like SLAP SLAP SLAP. I slapped till her cheeks turned blood-red and she began crying. I hated her at that point of time because she LOVED contradicting me. She's nice but she picks on me. I wasn't a very good child in primary school, and she was like my surrogate mother. That's why during the arena... when Yingbin talked back to me like that and the entire class was cheering her on... I got transported back to the past. And I felt this wave of anger burn through me, and it took every ounce of my willpower to NOT slap her. Kill her. Rip her apart. But then I realized this was Yingbin, and not my poor friend in primary school.

So yeah...she told her mom and she was like, 'don't hang around her again', but she came to me like a dog wagging it's tail and said sorry, I shouldn't have talked back like that. So obviously she was asking for an apology. That time, I don't say sorry. For minor things, yea. But not major things like this. Betrayal. Betrayal. Betrayal. So I looked at her.. knowing I would never rest till this thing was past...and said sorry. But no, I didn't mean it.
It's the exact same thing I felt this year. When my friends classmates betrayed me like that I apologised, but only because the counsellor threatened me to say it. Urgh...don't wanna talk abt the stupid counsellor.

"And through it all, how could you cry, for me? Coz I don't feel bad about it...There ain't no way that I'm sorry for what I did.." -MCR, 'Sleep'. Yep. that's how i feel. I guess... I've had a really rough time in primary school.

In primary school, we didn't really know MCR, so I created an alter-ego. I've had her since primary 1. Her name was Denise. My favorite pastime was to write about her back then, so when I read back my journal entries I realized it was full of her and not me. Denise this...Denise that... Until in Primary 4, Denise died. She died in her sleep. My heart ached for this girl who never really existed, and wanders around only when I am alone. She became so real in Primary 3. I remember, because at that time my friends were not very close to me, coz they created new cliques and everything. I felt left out. So when I was alone in my room... Denise tended to my sorrows. It felt SO REAL that I could actually feel her gentle touch. Her hair...her dress. I saw it everywhere. She told me not to shun solitude, but to embrace it. Then will attention be seeked. I have started to embrace loneliness, Didi. Are you happy now??? sigh... Loneliness...can be both a curse and a blessing, I suppose.

I remember the night Didi died. I was sleeping too, and it was so...peaceful. So quiet. I didn't dream of anything...just blackness. A soft, swirling mass of black...so soft...so pure. Which was weird coz normally I suffer from very disturbing dreams. Then. I saw her. smiling. she told me I would find someone else soon. She told me she won't be lonely, coz someone who knows me will join her. I wanted to join her. And almost did. But I didn't know where the hell she was going, and what she meant, so I let her go. Then the next day I woke up with my father checking my temperature. He looked worried and he told me that last night, when he came back from work at about 12 midnight, he heard very rugged, uneven breathing...like the kind of breathing you usually hear when ppl are about to die. He was so scared and he checked on me. So yea. It was me. He was so afraid and that I would die in my sleep...So i found out the reason. i think something was blocking my windpipe... But as he was about to take me to the hospital my breathing returned to normal. I think that was the time when I let go of Denise. I had wanted to follow her, and almost did, so maybe that's why I was dying. (I TOLD you I had an active imagination) The next year my grandfather died. I loved him so much. So maybe Denise had warned me of his coming death...I don't know.

Now, looking back, sometimes I wished I had never woken up. My life has turned out to be a living nightmare.