Life is full of choices.

You don't really notice that until you start NOTICING, and I can't tell you how to notice if you don't NOTICE. So just...notice, okay?

GOD it's been such a horrible week, what with Drama Of History, Drama, Drama Elective, and Drama SYF. Shit my timetable. Most of the days clash, and I don't really have much time left for myself. But amazingly, I feel very CALM.

I thought that by pleasing others, I could please myself. But not all things work out...the way they are supposed to. But when I please myself, I end up hurting others...

But I've found it. That very thin edge between accepting and being accepted. At least, that's what I thought.


I'm sorry if my choice affects yours..oh, what the hell am I thinking? Of COURSE it will affect yours. URGH. I am...SORRY.
No words can cover how I feel. But truly, I am sorry. I know I may sound selfish, but there's more to that then just...them. Shit. How cryptic do I sound here? what a load of bullcrap. I'll try to get to the point.

Let me give you a scenario: A girl who has been battling cancer, and she makes it to to relapse or whatever temporary cure she has. But one day, at the barest hint of a virus, she can die. Why? Coz she's been battling her whole life, and her body is just TIRED of doing it anymore. That's why an ordinary virus could kill her when in fact, she was practically a fighting machine back then.

I'm not doing this for me. It's not for you either.
The thin line between accepting and being accepted.

That's why...one word was enough to kill me, although I've grown immune. That's what I thought. My plans have backfired. But...I can't do it anymore. Surrendering. How wonderfully craptastic I sound now.

So..I shall let the chips fall where they may. (the line's from twilight, btw)

I wish that I'd only listened to Gerard earlier. he likes to give pieces of advice in between songs at concerts, so I was checking them out on YouTube when he said this:

"One day, you'll wake up and find that all your dreams are gone.
And one day, ALL of you will experience that."

I was kind of shocked, actually. he sounded pretty serious. But I didn't heed his words.

How I WISH I did.

It's true. Reality doesn't hit you during the day while you're out with your friends like in the movies, it hits you the hardest when you wake up, coz then your subconscious has had time to think it over.

And trust me, it's not the nicest kind of feeling you'd want to experience.

When I wake up and don't see his face, I ache.
When I enter my room and see the blank walls, I crumble.
When his voice isn't the last thing I hear before I fall asleep, I die.
But I don't cry.

He made me promise not to.