I've fallen sick two times in these past three weeks.

The first time I fell sick was right after that..contest...the airing of the last results I mean. I was a victim to cough and flu, and stayed bedridden for about two days, although the sickness went on for about five days.

During some time of the recovery process, I thought I was well enough to hang out. So I invited Siaw Ee to watch the Game Plan with me, in hopes that she'll take my mind off MCR. I had fun, even if every breath I took reminded me of them. I guess Siaw Ee isn't the best person to rock with if you wanna think of something else other then MCR. But we had fun.

About a week after the movie, I fell sick again. Which was... yesterday. I had just come back from grocery shopping, and I had this huge headache that didn't want to go away. So I headed home to catch some sleep, and I woke up feeling really cold and such. I snuggled underneath a really thick blanket while my body radiated heat.

I was afraid to tell my mom, though. You see, if I told her I had a fever, she'd force me to take some really cold bath and eat pills. So I tried to pretend I was normal, wearing my short sleeved t-shirt and trying to to be upbeat, which was pretty difficult to do, considering my temperature read at 38.7 at that point of time.

My mom eventually found out, though, and I was forced to take some medicine. Well, at least the fever went down. I'm pretty much recovering now, just feeling a bit tired.

The reason why I wrote this is because this occuring sickness reminds me painfully of my primary 3 life. My friend had heard untrue stories of me spreading lies about her, so she and my friends avoided me. I was pretty depressed at that time. I became introverted. I went to school everyday in a daze.

They say mood affects your health. I agree. during my primary 3 days, I fell sick every month, and I didn't talk much. It came to a point where my parents would skip work just to accompany me during recess. Dark days.

Well, eventually my friend realized I wasn't in the wrong at all, and let me off the hook. I got happier and I didn't get sick so very often.

Which brings us to now.

I tried to tell myself time and time again, that the contest doesn't really matter. I thought I had succeeded in trying to delude myself. I think I did, which was why I went out with Siaw Ee. However, my body wasn't fooled.

I feel like I can't appreciate music now. Oh, by the way, to all you guys who have supported me throughout the duration of the contest, thanks a lot. Especially Sharon. I know she got into trouble coz of me. Thanks loads, gal. Nat and Siaw Ee too.

I know I'm being extremely whiny right now... but... MCR... means... a lot.... to me...

I can't express this feeling. It's like...I'm numb, and I've lost interest in doing anything...I'm sleeping more than usual, too, and I feel like crying but I can't. I would go to the kitchen wanting to get some ater, then change my mind and just go sit on the couch instead. It's happened so many times, my lips are peeling and parched from dehydration. I'm trying to tell myself I feel this way because of the sickness, but my mind is protesting.

I'm tired of lying to myself.

So here's the big, ugly, irritating truth:

I'm horribly depressed because I didn't win the audition, when I thought I would get in, because I'm such a big fan of MCR. I was egoistic, and selfish. I didn't care about what it took to get to MCR, even if it meant getting Sharon or Nat into trouble. I'm sorry for being so selfish. It seems stupid to love five people whom you've never met in your entire life, but that's me.

And now I'm in this depressive state because of that audition, because of me. I did this to myself. And right now, the world seems bleak. In more literal ways then you can imagine.

You know how sometimes when you write, you tend to censor some things out because you're afraid of what ppl might think of you? well. What I wrote above was in no way censored at all, and yes, I'm an asshole.

I just can't do this. I have to stop pretending.