Bloody Reflection

2008-03-14T00:39:00.000-07:00

If you're reading this, I just want to say that I miss you.

I think of you every night and day, and there's nothing that can stop me from loving you.

I wish you were here to share my joys

And sorrows

I miss you so much

I love you, baby

It's been... 3 years?? since I last saw you

i hope we'll meet again

I would never hurt you

I LOVE YOU babes

2008-02-11T05:31:00.000-08:00

I see her staring at me
And she looks at me with a blank expression
I want to be her, I want to be her

I see her staring at me
And she looks at me, eyes wide open
I want to be her, I want to be her

She smiles and gives me a nod
I gulp and look away
Why can't I act like her, why can't I?

I smile and give her a nod
She just stares and looks away coolly
Why can't I act like her, why can't I?

She raises her eyebrows and walks away
I almost call out to her but don't
why doesn't she like me, why doesn't she?

I raise my eyebrows and feel too intimidated-
I walk away slowly while she just stands there smirking
Why doesn't she like me, why doesn't she like me?

And after walking a few steps further
I turn around and see her there

And after deciding to move on,
I feel her presence still and turn around,
Only to find her there

She has that smirk on her face

She has a frown on hers

She walks towards me

She walks towards me

Slowly,

Deliberately,

SUREly,

CONFIDENTLy,

SMASH!!!!

The glass mirror shatters into a million pieces,

And I see her there no more.

This is my first try at a new-style poem. It's basically about a girl, who's looking into a mirror and interpreting her own self in two different ways. No, its not two different girls.
And after a lot of doubt and self-consciousness and self-hatred, she finally decides to smash the mirror, but gains nothing from it.

Pretty sad, actually.

To be on the edge of breaking down.

2008-01-21T03:55:00.000-08:00

I'M SICK.
YES.
A DAY BEFORE OBS AND I'M SICK.

So I'm in the same group with Jeanna, Kristen, probably Deep, Grace (LABBPARTNER!) and Nabilah, Yim Qi, Khaleedah, Sarah.... and don't kill me if I don't remember all your names!

I don't feel too good now but I have to be strong. For OBS. Hahaha.

I went shopping with Sharon and bought eye-candy bronze sandals that look great on her skin colour. It's not really my type of shoewear- my sandals were brought from a designer sale in Malaysia for a rip-off 10RM (5 SD). They're strappy, black, and look great paired with skinnies.

Sharon's pair of sandals, however...
Bronze with a bit of bling on the side of the strap, has a higher sole than mine, would look great paired with shorts, and cost close to 40 Sing dollars.

Talk about a difference in opinion.

but we did agree on a pair of totally hip thin-material hoodie long-sleeved shirt which I have been trying to find like, forever. It's totally figure-hugging and the green shirt is a little tight. Well. It IS the smallest size. I suppose I should have gotten an S.

My grey hoodie looks awesome when worn with my 3/4 track pants, one with white lining and the other with pink. It's really cheap, too, at the original price of $20. Turns out dear Sharon knows the owner of the shop and managed to get a discount of $2 for me. YAYYY. (:

Natalie is reluctant to go to OBS coz she won't be in the same group as me. I feel your pain, girl.

I sent breek on an errand to buy disposable panties for me. And she was like... whattttt?????

okay, that pretty much describes my adventure-filled day.
Can't wait for obs...only a few more hours to go...

Though the diseased part of me just wants to stay home and go ice-skating with breek while ya'll gone.

Sniff sniff.

have fun siaw ee....

WITHOUT MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEe.

XD.

the commonness of bullshit.

2008-01-17T01:47:00.000-08:00

BULLSHIT
BULLSHIT
BULLSHIT

BUUUUULLLLLSHHHHIIIIITTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!

That was the only thing that registered into my mind during the BS talk with the crothers and her bimbotic yes-man. As amusing as it was for me, (for I was forcibly reminded of LEIGH MCDONALD-gag gag, it wasn't so much for deep and shar. Relax.

oh well. I suppose i'd have to change my social subject thingy.

Hmm. UHH. Nat may never forgive me for saying this... so I shall not.
(haha! Cliffhanger. Don't u just hate it when ppl do thaatt??)

kayy. i've got nothing to blog about.

APER SAL NGAN KAU SEMUA????
NAPER KAU TAK BILANG AKU SIUULLL???
APER SAL NGAN KAUU???
WAH KANINA SEYYYHH.

MACAM MYSTERIOUS.

practising my non-existent malay.

DDEEENNNYYYY. SStt.

Stay Awake.

2008-01-11T04:58:00.000-08:00

The tentative Stay Awake lyrics. The song hurts and nearly moved me to tears.

Say, the lights are really low enough to play,
Would you cast yourself so solitary?
All alone you prove that I was,
Broken down to move and alright,
Battling the loss you live for,
Meant the world to you,

And would you stay right here?
When I tell you,
That someone out there loves you.
Would you stay right here?
Well I'd tell you,
That someone out there loves you after all.

Sometimes it's always easier at fall,
Then you pick yourself right back and better,
All alone you prove that I was,
Broken down to move and alright,
And if you're walking out the door I'd stop you
Battling the loss you live for,
Now turn to me and I'd say this

And would you stay right here?
When I tell you,
That someone out there loves you.
If you stay right here,
Keep attacking you,
That someone out there loves you.

Is there no one, no one out there?
Is there no one who, no one who cares?
And if no one. no one out there?
Is there no one who, no one who cares?

And would you decimate these thoughts
When you go?

And if you stay right here,
When I tell you,
That someone out there loves you.
Stay right here,
Keep attacking you,
That someone out there loves you.

No one, no one out there,
Is there no one who, no one who cares?
And if no one, no one out there,
Is there no one who, no one who cares?

A song about love, about hope.

Someone out there loves you after all.

Apparently the song is supposed to lift MCR's fan's spirits up. As quoted by an article;

"it's about someone thinking of killing themselves but the speaker (Gerard?) is convincing them not to "stay right here" because someone out there loves them."

And then of course there's the internal struggle, which has been caught perfectly in the song. "is there no one who, no one who cares?" Gerard is trying to say that, however much you feel unloved, someone loves you or is thinking of you. He's also warning his fans :"Would you cast yourself so solitary?" He's asking us whether death is worth it, to condemn ourselves to eternal solitude.

can't wait for the record to come out.

MCR I love you.

I'd hate you, but the problem is...

2008-01-10T22:53:00.000-08:00

Don't FLAME MCR.

I REPEAT,

DON'T FLAME MCR.

I love them so much.

It was many many years ago,
In a labyrinth by the fence,
Lived a saviour by the name of My Chemical Romance.

He made quilts for the poor so they could stay warm,
He made spectacles for the blind so they could see,
But how unfair to think that
Their saviours are still wandering about aimlessly?

To be continued...

DENY.

2008-01-07T04:33:00.000-08:00

School has definitely taken a turn for the better for me.

Who could go wrong with a class full of dramaians?

But strangely enough, that's where I see the absolute IRONY of the matter. For a class with the drama geeks inside, I see no DRAMA unfolding. But don't get me wrong, school has been far more enjoyable than ever but where's the fun in life without the little troubles we get in and the bitchy fights we either love to watch or get involved in??

School has been all about studying now, and I suppose Sec 4 will be 50x worse. I'm actually managing to keep up with my studies...which very oddly disturbs me. School has been falling into a daily routine, an elegant dish served everyday with no extra sugar or salt to go with it.

Using wit to backfire all comments and concentrating on learning the notes of "Disenchanted" are the few perks, but like every single latest fad of mine, it comes and goes, and the interest wanes. However I MAY stick to the piano because it exercises the right brain extremely well and I'm gonna need the brain fluids of imagination to fuel me to shake up even the most mundane things.

But the bottom line is, school is getting pretty BORRIINNGGG.

Boring as in, to the point that I'm beginning to find homework enjoyable and I revel in the fact when someone speaks in the hopeless hope that I can actually process something interesting.

And when a girl like me starts doing homework,

It means it's time to spice life up.

DEEENNNYYYY. ;D

And misery loves company

2008-01-02T03:57:00.000-08:00

I am currently very much liking MCr's new song, Stay Awake. It's powerful and I think, about love. Bleargh. I suppose Gerard was right when he said marriage would affect their music. Stay...Awake...Coz someone out there loves you...

Now that I'm listening to it, I think they played the intro of this song before a song during the concert. Hmm.

Soo...first day of school, huh? Wow. Busy busy busy. My hair got good reviews...I was SO self-conscious about it the whole day. Sharon and me are gonna tie my hair into two ponytails tmr. HAHAHAH

But anyway, on with the new year. I scored a pretty good seat, 3rd from the back, 2nd left from the windows,in front of natalie,sharon and zing, and beside chaaru. The other DEP girls were at the other corner of the class while Jac and Deep scored front row seats to a teacher's wrath. GRR.

There was a weird bonding game where I felt was weird, and then we had to split into two groups to discuss this friday's class party. I somehow ended up having to make sandwiches...shit. Did I ever tell you I'm a horrible cook? But I guess I was glad at that time, coz I really wanted to get to know the other girls, especially those from econs.

If we only ever hang out with our own cliques our class is going to be damn divided..and truth is, I'm afraid of that. 2e3 was so bonded I now have a fear of being in a class full of clique rivalry.Of course, at some points I'd tend to be more biased towards drama girls..but that's only coz I know them better. Thus one of my new year resolutions is to be able not pass judgment quickly.

Oh my gerard did I just make a new year resolution? Pfft. Unbelievable.

Oh, and I voted myself Drama rep. wanna know why? I think it'll be the easiest responsibility to carry out.. and I like the feeling of being wanted. But not too much. So it just occured to me that being drama rep would be a great experience. Time for me to learn more responsibility, even if it's a little.

I sincerely think that being around the right ppl bring out the best in you. I have a lot of my close frens with me, and I feel really WARM and FUZZy inside, a really rare feeling. Or maybe it's just coz my muscles are relieved that I don't have to climb up 4 flights of steps everyday to fetch sharon.

Kristen's hair was really cool today, it just screamed "I'm rebellious! Don't mess with me! I am UNTOUCHABLEEEE!!!!!!" Which sooo doesn't fit her personality, but the fringe suited her face shape really well.

Zing's hair was the opposite. It was spastic, which really describes herself.
(I'm playing, woman, don't kill me tmr!! Heh)

Why am I talking about hair?? time to MOVE ON.

Oh yes, another thing. Just to set the record straight, I AM NOT WEARING ANY SORT OF BLUSHER. I know miss sharon enjoys seeing me suffer under the scrutiny of the girls but no, I am not wearing make-up. It is, in fact a SKIN CONDITION. I wore outdated sunblock and the outer layer of my skin DIED, leaving the beneath EXPOSED, and thus when faced by strong chemical or physical changes it REACTS strongly by turning a marvelous shade of pink, especially the SUN. Got it??

Kay. But like I said, today was fun. No distractions and I'm enjoying my 14 year old life. And I can finally read simple notes for the piano! Yay!!! Thx to nat.

I hate recess though. So...many...PEOPLE....

Oh I just got off from the phone. I just called my mom's friend to ask her how she makes tuna mayo sandwich. She says I have to do it on the day of the party itself, meaning I have to wake up real fucking early.

HAha. LAdeedah.

See ya'll tmr. Bye.

poems

2007-12-31T04:56:00.000-08:00

This was a poem i wrote a long time ago...

And the night is the dark, and the day is the light,
But I can't agree with it try as i might.

For the dark is my friend, and the light betrays me for who I truly am.
Fear grips my heart and I can't breathe, but at night the darkness brings relief.

As I lay in bed away from my foes,
the moon brings to me the land of dreams and shadows.

The place is full of mystery and nightmares,
But I'd rather be here than in my own personal hell.

The stars I see shining ahead burn against the ink-black sky before dropping down dead. Every lie and every sin, lust, greed and wrath,
Exist no more in my planned death.

And they say the night is the dark and the day is the light,
But I can't agree with them try as I might.

Gerard Way, this is for you.

HOLIDAyy

2007-12-25T19:01:00.000-08:00

So.. I went on a holiday. Which was great. Let's start from the beginning, shall we?? Alright. So first, my malaysian cousin comes over to Singapore. And damn, I had fun the whole week.

Shit. Okay. I wanted to show you the pictures, but blogger is taking a fucking long time uploading them. So what the hell.

Forget the whole trip. Let's just say, I went ice-skating, horse-riding, go-kart racing, paintballing, somehow managed to suffer a locked jaw, a bit of flu, witnessed the ms.world competitors at the pyrmaid hotel in which I was staying at, (who weren't very pretty-just darn tall), salivated over a silver lumbogini who I have declared my love for, and bought a few pirated DVD's, one of which consists of Alvin And the chipmunks and I Am Legend, and I'm currently watching a Korean drama series featuring Rain called 'Full House', but currently annoyed coz the lead actress's acting sucks big, and... yeah. That's it. Nothing major.

What I really wanna tell you is about the Christmas program that I watched yesterday. Peter Pan, ten o'clock. And no, I don't mean the direction. Did anyone watch it? I've had a crush on Petey since I was little. I longed for my own fairytale to come up out of nowhere, and whisk me away to neverland...where I shall never ever grow up.

So what an amazing coincidence when I found out Gerard played PP in a school play. HOT much? And I remember that i played Wendy and Ariel the mermaid in Primary 1.

I think the Peter Pan movie was awesome. And the lead actor? Jeremy... something?? OHH he was just beyond belief.He managed to portray the play as dark and yet at the same time, uplifting. It's supposed to be a fairy tale but it's my favorite coz it doesn't have a happy ending. Noone lives happily ever after.

This actor who played PP was I think, the best, and the hottest. I actually cried at the end...kinda hard for a movie to do. He's the very substance of dreams and nightmares, and I love him because of it. The plot is weird but I like it, fragmented... If I get a chance, I'm gonna play Peter Pan one day... in Drama. And then I can tell Gerard that I've played him too...

Okay. It was supposed to sound sad but it came out sounding wrong.

PETER PAN I LOVE YOU.

Urgh. U know what? There's an Indonesian band calld peter pan. I think they destroyed the name. MCR could use a name like that, tho....

Curently reading a psycho thriller. I went to msia and they have psychological books, like, all over the place. MY HEAVEN! My mom says if I keep reading this stuff I'm gonna grow psycho too. Haha. I think I've already been there. Still is.

So, it's this book called 'all she wanted'. And I got an interesting phrase from it.

"Tina's hair hung down her back.A glorious mass of auburn that caught the rays of the early summer sun.It was like plumage. The plumage of an angry, damaged swan who used it both to entice and to hide the scars that lay beneath."

My hair? I hacked it all off.

Like Toy Soldiers

2007-12-17T05:09:00.000-08:00

Don't get me wrong
I'm really glad you gave it
Coz i never wanna see you go through what I fucking did
And no I don't regret it
But there are some things that I
Just don't wanna crap about
Coz that day "I" officially died
Oops sorry- I didn't mean that- Musta been hell
Waiting in line for motherfucking Hanis to come by
And I've said my thanks, my sorry and other shit-
But my conscience won't stand the thought of ya'll in that moshpit
But honestly, guys, please try ta understand
That if I knew what I'd go through I would change things right then
So turn around and fuck, forget what bloody happened
Coz after that
I'd had my fair share of tears and the arguments
And seriously I can't pull through,
Without you by my side;
And I know it sounds corny
But I need cha'll there for the ride
So these are the words that I thought I couldn't find
So when you're reading these just know I had a damned hard time
Trying to find what to say,
What to do
And how when who,
To not piss off and who to motherfucking piss off too
This song ain't got no chorus, just some shit from the heart
Hanging 'round MCR was bound to rub off sometime
Kudos to him, Mr Slim Shady, too, coz I don't think
I could ever get through this shit without having them two
To get me ready for whatever stuff that came through
And I still have to look at that shitty teddy bear we bought from Popular
Every day, shit man, it's hard
To know I fucking fainted on the time I was supposed to not
Coz I let you down and I'm sorry,
But just coz I'm quiet don't mean that I'm not thinkin
And I can't forever go around saying stuff I don't mean
So this is what i have, and this's the end
Coz it's times like these when I'm proud to call you my friends.

My Chemical Romance Concert

2007-12-11T17:25:00.000-08:00

PArched. Hot. Sweaty.

Three words that describe how I felt during the concert.

Awesome. Rocked up. Absolutely beautiful.

Three words that describe how MCr was during the concert.

So this was what happened, in sequence.

Natalie and Siaw Ee, god bless them, waited for about 8 or 9 hours outside the Max Pavilion. I came at 7.30... and why? Coz I was stuck touring Jurong Bird Park and the Zoo with my malaysian cousin. Gah. But when I came, they had a huge surprise. words can never express what they did for me. Natalie had somehow acquired a Q-jumpa and sacrificed it for ME.

The moment was so OMGOSH.

So I waddled inside the MAx Pavilion, looking sorely out of place with a white teddy bear clutched in my arms. And the stage was...great. The backdrop was black and white, with the words My Chemical Romance splashed on it. I could hear MCr practicing backstage, Gerard's sweet voice drifting over the audience. However hard I try might, I couldn't recognize the songs he sang. But I had a pretty good view, 'cept that there were about 3 to 4 rows of ppl in front of me, and they were TALL. (Oh yeah- they were throwing blown-up condoms around-haha)

So for the next hour, I was trying hard to slide myself to the front whenever there was an open space. And when all the seats had been filled up, My Chemical Romance came on. I stood on my tiptoes trying to catch a glimpse of them, but right at that moment, I got a dose of my first moshpit moment.

Some asshole pushed us, and since we were packed as tightly as a can of sardines, it created a domino effect and I was being pushed from the right to the left, and vice versa. It was crazy and scary. After I'd managed to stabilize myself, someone on my right fell down, and thus I lost my balance and fell down to. I panicked that noone would see me, so I pulled down other ppl with me... which made other ppl fall down and it created a huge circle of falling bodies in the front middle of the stage.

But horror of horrors, since ppl were falling on top OF me, i couldn't exactly be seen. I noticed that everyone had managed to get up except for me. I screamed and yelled, and at one point, I remember I shouted with all my strength, "MCR!" and "Gerard!", not out of excitement, but pure fear. I looked up, and there was it- the moment I'd been waiting for my entire life- Gerard happened to LOOK straight at me. He was so close that I could see the eyeliner ringing his eyes and the new gorgeous hair that he now sports. It lasted for about two seconds, but right after that some guy pulled me up. I know I said, "Thank You," but I'm not sure if it was for Gerard or the Unnamed guy.

The song that was currently playing was 'This Is How I disappear'. It then flowed right into the next song-'Dead!'. Gerard asked for the crowd to jump up and down... shit. It was mayhem. I was so small, and I was in the middle of really tall Caucasians and behind me were a group of rowdy boys. They pushed and shoved at me, and I couldn't breathe. I suddenly realized that I couldn't do this. I didn't come here to think about ways of how to survive the night, I came here to enjoy MCR performing live.

But another selfish part of my brain screamed at me to not be a wimp and just bloody DO this. And another part of my brain was screaming back- "I can't feel RELIEVED when MCr finishes performing live! I have to feel satisfied and happy! But I can't do that if I'm practically DYINg out here!" But then it started again. The pushing and the shoving. This time, I could see who did it, and so did everybody else. So a fight started right in front of me, and I was yelling "STOP STOP!!!!!!" and eventually they did. Then I got a break of luck.

Some guy mistook me for his girlfriend and pulled me to the front. WOW. And I saw MCR playing some song. I couldn't concentrate on what song they were playing though. When I saw them, it was like... WOAH. Kinda like falling in love. I was practically drooling over the REALNESS of it all. I mean, I know it sounds corny, but i'm sure you understand what I mean by "So near and yet so far". I yearned to reach out and touch them, to make sure this isn't just a dream,but I couldn't. Frank looked so petite and cute next to wiry, tall Mikey Way. Mikey kept shaking his recent uncut, long hair left to right.

Bob... haha. He was just pummeling the drums and really concentrating on them, too. I don't think I ever saw him look up. Ray was fun to watch. His nice puffy afro was eating his face and he kept throwing it back and forth. It was a kinda reddish brown colour, so it really stood out against the black and white backdrop. And Gerard...sigh. He was being Gerard. Boy, does he know how to get the audience's attention. He licked his hand and pretended to spray the 'saliva' from it to the crowd, like a really wet air kiss. I was smiling the whole time I watched his spasticness. And there was another time where he went all the way to the front, really close to me, too, and shook his butt really slowly. OOOOOO.

I hurt all over from the last fall, but when I saw MCr like that, i forgot the pain and I involuntary laughed and smiled. Adrenaline rush, I guess. And uh, I really tried to listen to what Gerard was saying, but I couldn't concentrate. Sounded something like.. "blublablashashere..have to help ppl who are falling down...blablalalashusheretayer..." And just as I was starting to enjoy the atmosphere of sweat and adrenaline, some bastard pushed me back, and I fell. I remembered that this time, I couldn't fall to the ground and whimper like a baby. I yelled "BITCH FAGGOT!!!! FUCKING BASTARD LAH YOU FUCKED UP SHITHEAD!!!ASSHOLE!!!" Or something like that.

So what I did was what gerard strictly prohibited- violence. I mercilessly bit, scratched and kicked people's feet. I used the fabric of their shirts and uh yeah, the guy's hair to pull me up. Must have hurt. but there was no time to bask in that success , for when I got up, they pushed me again, only this time it was from all sides. My ribs were being crushed, and I honestly couldn't breathe. I grabbed some random girl and I told her that I needed to get out NOW.

She was really nice and said "yeah yeah sure." She then enlisted the help of a couple of other malay guys and they helped to push me forward and kept ppl from banging into me. I couldn't breathe... and I finally made it to the front, where a guy helped me up and pushed me into the arms of a bodyguard.

And yes, I was pretty much half-unconscious and they put me down at the off-side of the stage where some people gave me oxygen. I could hear the music, I think it was I Don't Love You, but I couldn't really focus much. My legs were throbbing from where people had stepped on them, but after the rest, and a bottle of cold water later, I felt better.

Then I watched MCR from the side where I was resting and I knew this was where I was supposed to be. Without having to worry about people trying to kill me and how to get revenge on those assholes who take advantage of my small size, I could actually ENJOY the concert. So, with the oxygen in my nose and a makeshift pillow behind me, i eventually reduced to tears. I'm so glad I came here, and however much I do NOT want to be caught in that moshpit again, I would do anything for mCr. gerard then sang "sleep" and it was, I might add, the most tear-jerking, most beautiful song he sang that night.

I wanted to close my eyes and enjoy the song, but my eyes were glued to the band. I memorized every detail of that night, even though time moved WAY too fast. I felt like all the seconds were smashing together and I couldn't separate them. I saw them on the stage, and for a very long moment there, I thought I was dreaming. MCr has always been more of a fantasy to me, Gerard himself has said so that ppl tend to write fanfiction or stories starring them because their band contained such a fantasy element. But then they were so real. So near and yet so far.

I can't believe that I was in the same room as MCR. MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE. I couldn't believe it. And right at that moment, I felt like the luckiest girl alive. Fuck everyone else. I thought I was the only person in the room. It was truly a magical moment. I wasn't even putting effort into my crying, the tears were flowing freely. The paramedic kept asking me if I was alright, and my throat was so parched I could only nod.

After a pretty version of 'Helena' (I was out for the most part of Welcome To The Black parade and Mama- that was the time when I fainted), the last song was.... I don't know. Oh yeah. I think Teenagers. I'm not sure... I think I'm getting the order of the songs mixed up. but I was definitely unconscious for Mama, a bit of i Don't Love You, and as I've said, Welcome To The Black Parade. Oh yes, and they got a piano for the songs Sleep and Cancer. Absolutely stunning.The piano notes wafted sweetly and so TOGETHER with the guitars and drums...and his voice.

Then Gerard suddenly said 'GOODNIGHT SINGAPORE!' and with the mike above his head, walked out the right side of the stage. I was stunned. MCR NEVER ended things like this. Not like this. Apparently the audience realized that, too, and screamed "ENCORE! ENCORE!ENCORE!" as if they were chanting. I quickly got up and joined the crowd again, ignoring the poor paramedics who took care of me. After a few minutes, Gerard got out again. I smiled and smiled until my muscles ached.

What happened next was a surprise. If there was a song I'd want him to sing live, again and again, it would be the song he sang. He asked us to wave our hands and we did. It's weird how you just obey whatever gerard asks you to do. I've been wanting to hear him sing this song the first time I heard it. The Desert Song.

I was crying and I couldn't stop. The guitar was stunning and his voice sounded better than usual. It was so enchantingly sweet, I thought I would get diabetes. Yes- that was the word to describe how I felt then. ENCHANTED. truly. The song was slow and melodic and Gerard's voice was powerful and it hit all the right notes.

When the song ended, I felt like it was still ringing in my ears. so earth-shattering was the impact of the song. And the final song was... no surprises there... Famous Last Words. But this time, when Gerard asked me to jump, I did. I obeyed. I held up my hand in that universal punk rock sign and started jumping up and down. I AM NOT AFRAID TO KEEP ON LIVING... I AM NOT AFRAID TO WALK THIS WORLD ALONE... Somehow I think that if me, natalie, siaw ee and chat hadn't split up, I would have done fine, knowing that there would be someone looking after me. But I was alone. And it scared me.

But all in all, although I think that the concert was too short, and time flew WAY too fast, and the fact that I was not whooly satisfied, no, not with MCR, no, but I wasn;t satisfied with me. I know I made the right choice, getting help to get out, but my pride tells me I should have stuck there. It was so bloody embarassing, fainting in front of MCr. Urgh.

Just one last thing to say.

FUCK YOU COZ YOU GUYS WEREN'T THERE TO WITNESS THE FUCKING MOST GODDAMNED BEST FUCKING CONCERT IN THE WORLD. I actually feel sorry for those who didn't go.

HAHa.

I LOVE MCR. Thanks again.

But there's shit that I done with this fuck of a gun.

2007-11-19T04:07:00.000-08:00

I've fallen sick two times in these past three weeks.

The first time I fell sick was right after that..contest...the airing of the last results I mean. I was a victim to cough and flu, and stayed bedridden for about two days, although the sickness went on for about five days.

During some time of the recovery process, I thought I was well enough to hang out. So I invited Siaw Ee to watch the Game Plan with me, in hopes that she'll take my mind off MCR. I had fun, even if every breath I took reminded me of them. I guess Siaw Ee isn't the best person to rock with if you wanna think of something else other then MCR. But we had fun.

About a week after the movie, I fell sick again. Which was... yesterday. I had just come back from grocery shopping, and I had this huge headache that didn't want to go away. So I headed home to catch some sleep, and I woke up feeling really cold and such. I snuggled underneath a really thick blanket while my body radiated heat.

I was afraid to tell my mom, though. You see, if I told her I had a fever, she'd force me to take some really cold bath and eat pills. So I tried to pretend I was normal, wearing my short sleeved t-shirt and trying to to be upbeat, which was pretty difficult to do, considering my temperature read at 38.7 at that point of time.

My mom eventually found out, though, and I was forced to take some medicine. Well, at least the fever went down. I'm pretty much recovering now, just feeling a bit tired.

The reason why I wrote this is because this occuring sickness reminds me painfully of my primary 3 life. My friend had heard untrue stories of me spreading lies about her, so she and my friends avoided me. I was pretty depressed at that time. I became introverted. I went to school everyday in a daze.

They say mood affects your health. I agree. during my primary 3 days, I fell sick every month, and I didn't talk much. It came to a point where my parents would skip work just to accompany me during recess. Dark days.

Well, eventually my friend realized I wasn't in the wrong at all, and let me off the hook. I got happier and I didn't get sick so very often.

Which brings us to now.

I tried to tell myself time and time again, that the contest doesn't really matter. I thought I had succeeded in trying to delude myself. I think I did, which was why I went out with Siaw Ee. However, my body wasn't fooled.

I feel like I can't appreciate music now. Oh, by the way, to all you guys who have supported me throughout the duration of the contest, thanks a lot. Especially Sharon. I know she got into trouble coz of me. Thanks loads, gal. Nat and Siaw Ee too.

I know I'm being extremely whiny right now... but... MCR... means... a lot.... to me...

I can't express this feeling. It's like...I'm numb, and I've lost interest in doing anything...I'm sleeping more than usual, too, and I feel like crying but I can't. I would go to the kitchen wanting to get some ater, then change my mind and just go sit on the couch instead. It's happened so many times, my lips are peeling and parched from dehydration. I'm trying to tell myself I feel this way because of the sickness, but my mind is protesting.

I'm tired of lying to myself.

So here's the big, ugly, irritating truth:

I'm horribly depressed because I didn't win the audition, when I thought I would get in, because I'm such a big fan of MCR. I was egoistic, and selfish. I didn't care about what it took to get to MCR, even if it meant getting Sharon or Nat into trouble. I'm sorry for being so selfish. It seems stupid to love five people whom you've never met in your entire life, but that's me.

And now I'm in this depressive state because of that audition, because of me. I did this to myself. And right now, the world seems bleak. In more literal ways then you can imagine.

You know how sometimes when you write, you tend to censor some things out because you're afraid of what ppl might think of you? well. What I wrote above was in no way censored at all, and yes, I'm an asshole.

I just can't do this. I have to stop pretending.

...

2007-11-11T23:21:00.000-08:00

I'M FINE.

FINE.

SO FUCK THE FUCK OFF.

ALMOST

2007-10-28T21:58:00.000-07:00

AND I ALMOST HAD YOU
BUT I GUESS THAT DOESN'T CUT IT
ALMOST HAD YOU
AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW IT
YOU KEPT ME GUESSING
AND NOW I'M DESTINED
TO SPEND MY TIME MISSING YOU
AND I ALMOST LOVED YOU
I ALMOST WISH YOU WOULDN'T LOVE ME TOO

HAha. That was Bowling For Soup- Almost. It's such a COOL song. Very describable.

My mood is currently happy. Well, what the hell. I mean, school's out, hols are in, exams are done, sec 3 next year, and I've got a whole load of things to do!!!!!!!! Really important things, like, staying bedridden the whole day, reading more bloody books, reading books that are bloody, using the com, letting the TV watch me, and basically staying bedridden the whole day. What a life.

BUT OH! How fun my life is. SHUT UP HANIS.

I feel kinda bored. that can happen if you're not really doing anything.

I'm quittin. see ya guys round next year!

2nd Chapter

2007-10-25T03:22:00.000-07:00

2nd chapter.

School. The mother of all the evil words that you could possibly invent and/or find in the dictionary. I used to love school, but not now.

I never was very favorable among the ladies. I wasn't favorable, period. people talked to me, smiled at me, waved to me, but I never get invited for some girl time, sleepovers, or parties. Part of me felt rejected, but a bigger half felt relieved. See, I could never really get the whole "friend" thing. I haven't really found a friend that I could talk to. They all seemed prejudiced in one way or another. I hung out mostly with the boys. They were easier to converse with. Their simpleness somehow attracts me more than any other quality. Confused? Let me give you an example.

Me: So, are you going to Annie's chalet party tomorrow night?
Girl: Urgh. No.
Me: Oh. Why?
Girl: Are you kidding me?? Danielle's going to be there!
Me: Um...so?
Girl: Hellooo? Haven't you heard? Danielle was the bitch that stole my friend!
Me: Exactly my point. So what?
Girl: Oh. My. God. Obvious!
Me: You're not going just 'coz Dan's gonna be there?
Girl: Finally.
Me: That's crap. You go there to have fun.
Girl: I'm not going without my best friend Ellen!
Me: Make new ones. You're not a freak.
Girl: I can't have fun without her!
Me: Look. You're not exactly roped and chained to Ellen, right?
Girl: Forget it. You're useless to talk to.
Me: Yeah. Looks like you care about my feelings a lot too.

That was the GIRL example. Now for the guy one.

Me: So. Are you going to Adam's chalet party tomorrow night?
Guy: Yep.
Me: OOh. What about that bitch?
Guy: Bitch? Oh... Daniel.
Me: Yeah, him.
Guy: He can go screw himself. I'm not missing out on the fun... and the food.
Me: Haha. But he stole your friend ight? Um.. Edward?
Guy: You gotta be shitting me. I have other friends. He can choose to hang with whoever he wants, as long as he doesn't become a bitch himself.... Which isn't entirely possible coz he has a dick and not a pussy.
Me: HAha. So you're saying Daniel has a pussy?
Guy: I didn't say Daniel has a pussy. .. He IS one.
Me: HAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHHA -laughs-
Guy: Hey, let's go check if Edward still has a dick.
Me: Why would you wanna do that?
Guy: To make sure that he ain't turnin' into a bitch.
Me: Bloody hell that sounds cool. Let's go ask Eddie how's his brother is doin.
Guy: -laughs-

TADA! Example 2.

The difference between guys and girls. I need to return to THE LAMORA MIRACA. I have to find a way somehow.... even if it means I could get killed in the process.

Haha. I was joking.

Or was I?

Akasha

2007-10-18T16:58:00.000-07:00

Story Chapter 1.

Characters: Akasha [aa-kaa-sha] (meaning-"queen")
Geraent Eamonn [gair-rehnt,ay-muhn](meaning-"Warrior, Protector of Wealth")
Calice Asheni Arabethia (meaning-"Flower Angel")

I met Geraent at a pub just moments before I was faced by impending death. I remember that day as clearly as anyone would remember, well, say, their wedding or the time their dog died. Although this incident happened many years ago, I could still tell you what was the exact shade of my coat, and the number of stray cats that had watched me with luminous eyes from the top of the low brick wall that divided me from the rest of civilisation. That was how clear my memory of the day was, every single detail sketched into every nook and cranny of my mind, though I try hard to forget.

It was late at night, and a fourteen year old girl like me shouldn't be wandering around pubs and vacant alleyways. But curiosity never suited me much. Blame my horoscope for that trait. So what DID stir up my curiosity? Nothing really. I just wanted to have some fun. Yes yes, I know what you all are thinking. My idea of fun was really twisted. But I hated the epileptic-inducing-neon-flashing lights of the idiotic-filled-nightclubs-full-of-idiotic-people to actually set foot in those kind of places. I know that a couple of my friends dressed up in heavy makeup and stuffed their bra with tissue to pass off as a bloody prostitute just so they could get into the nightclubs, but not me.

I am rather weird,I have accepted the fact not too long ago. Trust me, you wouldn't want to know why. ... Because I didn't either. But back to the story. I was intrigued by the quiet pubs, the ones where you are sure that noone is having sex or heading toward that direction. No. I'm talking about the ones where the lights are on, but the only sound you can hear is the quiet hum of secretive and extremely secretive discreet discussions.I've always wondered if the people in there wore dark cloaks and business hats and exchanged money in locked suitcases from under the table. Aha. Maybe THAT was what claimed my curiosity from the very beginning.

So I decked myself out in jeans, a black sequinned t-shirt and threw on a dark velvet blue hoodie-coat that I bought from some Harry Potter fan website. The coat tied in the front of my neck and I threw on the hoodie. It looked pretty good on me, if I say so myself. So I sneaked out of the house and took my cousin's dirt bike all the way to the quiet pubs. That was how I landed here. At a pub called THE LAMORA MIRACA. In plain English, it means the miracle of love. Gah. I hoped it wasn't another booze drowned pub.

I tried to spy from outside the misted windows, but saw nothing, to my great disappointment. I groaned. So much for all the night's work. But I couldn't give up, not mow, when I knew I would have to face school the next day. All this would not be worth it if I was going to get a booking slip for sleeping-in-class and not-paying-attention and not-handing-up-last-month's-homework. Emboldened by my sudden visions of numerous, multi-colored booking slips, I headed towards the first person I saw that was leaving the pub. And asked the question that was probably the stupidest question I've ever asked after the time when I asked my math teacher if I could skip the math lesson before she gave us a spring test because I was psychic and could foresee a certain highly-faked-fever coming on. But this was different. This was just slightly more fatal. Slightly.

This was what I asked. "Hi Sir, but could you tell me that you are a man to confirm my suspicions that you are a man? Or are you NOT a man, and if so, could you tell me that you aren't so as to confirm my doubts about whether you are or aren't a man?" The guy raised one eyebrow. Typical. My questions have always triggered a reaction between the range of 'raising left eyebrow' or 'raising right eyebrow'. But he answered my question with an air of bitterness. "Yes, I am a man." I nodded in relief. "So this isn't a gay bar, ... or a prostitute or drag queen bar??" The man shook his head slowly. I smiled. I thought he would be easy. And my feelings about people were normally very right.

"So watcha doin' down there? Are you lonely? Or is it a fun place to hang? Hmm. Doesn't look very fun to me. What do you do? Play cards, arm wrestle, that kind of thing? Or do you exchange murder secrets and snuff films?" I only meant the last part as a joke. But the man smiled. "Yes," He replied menacingly, and for a second I thought he was only answering the last question. And I've told you before, haven't I? I trust my feelings. Those kind of fleeting moments, most people overlook them. But I didn't. I couldn't. Bloody shit. What did I get myself into?

The man reached out to caress my cheek. His hand was cold, cold to the touch. I met his gaze with a stare. "Back off, smartass, or you really ARE gonna find your ass smarting." He just chuckled. It was then that I realized his eyes weren't normal- they were ringed with red. A vampire? So that thought just popped into my head. But I do trust my feelings so, and it made me wonder if that was why my feelings about him were muddled in the beginning. He wasn't human. His mind worked differently. Trust me, I never believed all this crap about vampires before, but when you were backed up in a vacant alleyway with a pervert with red eyes in the middle of the night in the center of nowhere, even you would start to believe that bogeymen would kill you when you were asleep just because you didn't clean your room when your mom asked you to.

Suddenly, the door of the pub opened, and a calm voice filled the air. "You wouldn't want to be doing that, newborn." Aha. A savior. I sighed in relief. "Thank you, whoever-it-is that hath saved thee, and piss off, to whoever-it-is that hath not saved thee, but tried to not save thee." They were confused. Thought I was weird. I could tell. The pervert vampire stalked off and then suddenly, the savior was standing right in front of me. He wasn't smiling, but I noticed he didn't have red eyes either. He started to speak. "Fuck off. And never come here unless you want to be told to be fucked off again." What a nice person. I must remember to bake him a couple of chocolate chip cookies. I counter-attacked. "I'm fine with being told to be fucked off again. What's it to you?" He just smiled lazily. "Oh," He drawled, "I'm just afraid that I wouldn't even get the chance to tell you that." he started to walk back towards the pub. Then he stopped. Without looking at me, he started to speak again. "Just remember, person. Curiosity killed the cat." Stupid dramatic effect. I shivered. Cursing whoever invented theatre, I made my way back home.

And that was how I met Garaent.

I itched to go back to The Lamora Miraca, but then his last words cut something in me.
'Curiosity killed the cat,' he'd said.
It took me a while to realize what he meant.

He was Curiosity.

And I was the Cat.

Letters for the present.

2007-10-10T00:54:00.000-07:00

Letter One.

I felt like I knew you even before we met. Your easy smile and laughter never fails to brighten up my day, and make the dark clouds of my life shy away from your happiness. We started out as friends, and now I have no more secrets from you. You don't have any from me, either, because you didn't know it then. I was a fool not to see this coming.

But you were there to hold my hand when everything else hurt, you were there to catch my tears when they fall, you were there to whisper encouragement when nothing felt alright. And you were there to shush me to sleep before I cried.

I rose under your guidance, I blossomed under your care. I became stronger than I ever thought I could be, all because of you. I liked your constant presence, and when you left, I basked in the sweetness of the thought that you would come back.It was truly an unforgettable experience in those days, those lovely times where I managed to delude myself that you would be there forever.

I remember you telling me that if you had to, you would leave. I always thought I had accepted that fact until the day came when you really left, and it dawned on me then that I never was prepared for this, because my entire subconscious could not take that amount of pain.

I suffered. It came to a point when I felt like throwing away everything that reminded me of you, and burning everything deep within my soul. It is true: There is a thin line between love and hate. Yes, I cried. I had nightmares...again. But this time, I didn't wake up at 3 in the morning, clutching my blanket, muffling silent screams like I usually did. And then it occurred to me: Deliberately, you have made me stronger. Again. Was this what you were always aiming for? I'd like to believe you weren't.

How ironic. I always thanked you countless times, gushed about you in front of my friends, about how you cheer me up on the darkest of times, and how you toughen me up for the challenges of tomorrow. I didn't realize that those words uttered then... they seem truer now than ever. A writer betrayed by her own words.

I know now that I don't hate you after all. I hated myself. But through it all, I still love you. Underneath everything I do, I still and always will love you. I think about your brothers and how they have supported me throughout the years, how they have coped with your ever-changing attitude. And now I know how. Because they love you as much as I do too. Your bond with them is unbreakable and permanent. Just like the way my heart is set.

I used to cry, but not any more. I vowed I'd remember your words; "To Sleep Before You Cry." Life seems horribly empty without your presence, and vacant. It smells like the way an old, rotting house in the woods smells. Dusty. And vacant. I loved the smell of someone in my life. It was you. It smelled like rain. I know you won't come back, but when someone else tears my attention away and turns the world upside down, then will I be able to remember the way rain smells like again.

I would never have admitted it, but I confess it now. There are two quotes that are extremely significant in this letter, taken from my favorite series, Twilight.

"Why can you believe the lie, but not the truth?" -Edward Cullen, New Moon.
"Because I've noticed that some people will go to any lengths to delude themselves." -Isabella Swan, Eclipse.

Thanks for making me into what I am today. I feel much more confident to get through life and be myself. You haven't filled up every hole in me yet, but you pretty much covered it up for the time being, to make it look like it is already healed.

Delusions. That's what binds us together. Your flaws and mine.

For the last time,

thanks.

Letter two.

This is a much more trivial and down to earth kinda thing, not much related to the first letter. I thought you were fun at first, but then I realize you were pretty boring. Now I know why most ppl don't like you. yes I know that, even if I am from another school. Your schoolmates are always like, "Uh... you're hanging out with HER??" I ignored it at first, coz you were my friend. You took what you wanted, but I don't really care anymore. You're such a fickle friend, and I can't see myself with you. You're WAY too high-maintenance. I can't blame you, I guess.

If there's one thing he taught me, it's delusions. And you are VERY delusional. I tried talking it out, but your attitude gets in the way. So I'm not gonna rip myself up further because of this stupid thing. this is the best way to make sure that neither of us are on bad terms. Thank god you're in another school. i don't have to see you much then. Haha. I don't even know WHY I'm writing this... you don't even know I have a blog. Just gotta let it out, I guess.

I'm stronger now. Not so strong as in I could take what you're throwing at me,but strong enough to know that I'd have to let you go.

Sorry. But I can't apologise much when it's who you are. That's the most I can say.

Not friends. I'd like to think of us more as... good acquaintences.

BYE!!!

XD XD XD XD

WOOt.

2007-09-29T19:35:00.000-07:00

OKAY! So here I am, alone at home, my parents are in malaysia, my bro is in school, and my maid too. AH do I feel FREEEE!!

Any kind of normal person will be blogging about their exams righhht?? Unfortunately, I'm not normal. DUUDE. If you wanna crap, crap about the upcoming Math or MT or Lit, but PLEEEASE don't whine about the tests that were ALREADY DONE!!!! They are GONE!OvER!!! And there ain't NOTHING you can't do about it even if you knew which question you got wrong. You'll just get depressed much more earlier. So, let's MOVE ON and be ignorant about the past tests, and STUDY HARD for the next! TADA! problem solved.

So that's all said and done, let's talk about...erhmms...say.... the weekend? I'm feeling awfully wicked this week even though the most challenging paper is coming (for me) this Mon, but hey. I studied. So let's just get this over and done with.

I'm really happy this month... dunno why. I guess I have learnt something. Like, a lot of somethings. I"m just very grateful for the things that I have now, I guess. And right now, there is only ONE thing I regret in my whole life. Yes, it is my biggest. I can't see how my life is better when I didn't do it, but I think it would have been WAAAAyy better if I did it. Okay shut up, Nisa. You're crapping.

And at this point of time, I am only majorly pissed at ONE thing. Well. I tried. How bloody cool is that? All the pissedness evaporated. So that's what I'm gonna do. Lay back and not give a shit.
(I like, you the way you are. When we're driving in your car. And you're. Talking to me one-on-one. But you become. Somebody else. 'Round everyone else. You're watching your back. Like you can't relax. You're tryin' to be cool. You look like a fool to me. Tell me. Why'd you have to go and make things so complicated?. I've seen the way you're. Acting like somebody else. Gets me frustrated. Life's like this to you?. You come. over unannounced. dressed up like you're somethin' else. where you are and where it's at you see. you're making me.laugh out. when you strike your pose.take off. all your preppy clothes.you know. you're not fooling anyone. when you become. Somebody else. Chill out whatcha yelling' for?.Lay back. it's all been done before.And if. you could only let it be.you will see.)

Hey hey. Don't take it personally. Just because you're from another school don't mean I can't advice you.I still like you as a friend. Just try to be more open minded. YAAy. Thx loads, babes.

OOOO yea. I accidentally took Jasmine's GG textbook that day. GOD I AM SOOOOO SOrry.
JASMINE!!!! But I'm broke. I can only pay you like, 5 bucks. SOORRY!!! I didn't knoooowww!!!

KAy. Done. Shoot it. HEHE.

I LOVE LOST PROPHETS!!!!

Seein y'all in a bit and a half,

ELEVEN.

CHANEL.

2007-09-18T18:54:00.000-07:00

I am so sorry. The title has got nothing to do with my post. ;)

Well! How time flies. Soon we shall be sitting for the much-dreaded exams.... (THANK GOD History is over!) and then we will be waiting for our next-year classes... Oh the HORROR.

Damn myself. I have three pieces of homework due today and surprise surprise I haven't touched them. NOOOOOOOO. But I have something more important to tell you guys first.

Life lesson number 3. (Sorry! Can't get enough of this.*wink wink*)

3. LISTEN.
Yes, dearies. Listen. I find that ppl respond better and are more open to you when you LISTEN to them. And really listen and respond appropriately. When you are talking to that one person, treat him/her like he/she will be the last person you would ever talk to on that day. I find that extremely helpful to keep my attention focused. Don't scare them with needless showering of babysitting, but just loan them both ears. Ppl like attention, no matter how much they disagree.

Okay! That's the lesson for today. Right now I'd like to talk DRAMA. Ah. Drama.

I realize that Mrs.Crothers is in fact a very enjoyable person to be with. I think that she could be a really good friend for me if we were about the same age. If I look closer, sometimes she behaves differently around me. More... herself. I don't know her, yet I have a sudden urge to be friends with her for some unfathomable reason. She was always very much different than any friend, teacher or parent I know. Definitely unique. OMG. Gerard just blew in my ear. haha kay I'm freaking you guys out...

Oh yes. I have another life lesson.

Life lesson number 4.

4. Saying sorry.
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE do NOT say sorry unessacarily!! (I have absolutely NO IDEA how to spell that bloody word) I've realized that a lot of Asians like to say sorry without enough cause for it. SAY SORRY APPROPRIATELY!! Sometimes I will bump into a guy and HE will be the one saying sorry. And then I'll turn to him and go, "Why did you say sorry? Shouldn't I be the one?" And then he would stutter and stumble..coz Asians aren't equipped to handle with strangers. I used to, too, but I trained myself to be more bold. Ppl like sharon won't get easily intimidated, either.

Well. I guess that's all for now. I still have to do my bloody Malay homework...

Shit it. Damn I'm missing tuition today.

Tuition's actually kinda fun. I embarass myself by saying I look forward to it.

Heheh.

LOVINGLY YOURS,
Nisa.

(Oh. A gentle reminder:

I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!)

Life lessons. Smiles.

2007-09-11T18:38:00.000-07:00

HAHA! Funny.

But anyway.... Yesterday was September 11. Eleven is lucky. Eleven is me. I like Eleven. And that was probably why I had so much insight with my life yesterday.

Every single thing I saw or touched would suddenly scream life lessons at me. I dunno why.

1.CLOUDS
When I was on my way to school, I noticed that the clouds on the left side of the car were black, dark, while the front and the right side were completely clear and blue. I instinctively thought that a storm would be brewing, and snagged my brother's shirt from the car seat to use as a jacket. After a while, my parents started feeling cold, and looked around for some kind of clothing to wrap themselves in. But I've already taken the shirt. Heheh. My mom was like, "How did you know it was going to get cold?" And I said, "Coz I looked the other way." And at that exact same moment I realized how true my words were.

In life, you'd have to look in EVERY SINGLE DIRECTION. When you make friends, ask yourself, "What is this friend capable of doing? Can I trust her? WHat could she do to ruin my life?" and you have to ask yourself this, too, "What do I like about her? What does she like about me?" Look in all directions. This could help a lot, especially with friends who are high-maintenance and make you feel like slapping them over and over again sometimes. But deep down inside, she could be a good friend. Look in all directions before you make a decision. Will it benefit you more than it will make you regret?

2.LEAVES
Yes, I know. Leaves. So on the way to school, it was just starting to rain, and the wind was lashing at the earth mersilessly. I looked at the waterfall of leaves cascading down to the road, and watched it get squashed over and over again by passing motorists. And I had another wonderful insight.

In life, (haha) we are a lot like leaves. We will fall off the branch one day, at the right moment, but it has to be YOUR CHOICE. If you hold on too long, too much, fate will come in and break you away, bringing you down with nothing left. Must we all wait for the cruel rain and wind in our lives to bring us down? If you CHOOSE to let go and be independent, the slight breeze will take you away to land on a soft spot on the ground. But if you were to wait for the rain, it will shake you off your branch, drown you, laden you with the burden of water until you lie sodden, on the road. And then a car will run over you. Heheh. CHOOSE to let go. Don't wait for others to tear you away cruelly. That way you won't get hurt much.

Okay. Think I'll stop. There were many others...of coz.... like the handphone incident...

But I'd like to thank MCR again. And Siaw EE. For letting me listen to their beautiful first album. Because, in truth, I now realize that by listening to MCR at least two hours a day, their words and advice hidden in their sons get drilled into my head, and that prepares me. Like the time when my great-grandma died, I was expecting to turn into a water hose, but I didn't. In fact, I learned a lot from her death. And I realize that MCR has taught me for this day, preparing me. After listening to MCR, I DO think about death more, but not in the emo way. I ask myself how I would cope with life if any of you were to pass on. And that way, I appreciate you guys more. I'm more patient now. Yes, I have imagined life without each one of you at least once. Trust me, a lot of tears were shed. But I pick myself up, and move on. That way, when the real day approaches, I am strong.

I love all you guys, and the holidays has made me really happy, in ways I don't understand. But I am, and i hope you all will be able to see that. ;)

With lots of love,
Nisa.

(P.s: Hope my advice helps! Not trying to be a life guru, but I'd like to share my knowledge.XD.)

Teacher's Day

2007-08-31T04:46:00.000-07:00

Today was Teacher's Day, as you all know.

I had a really good time today, and most of it took place when I went back to primary school. Most of my friends were there, and I had such a good time just LOOKING at them, trying to notice any change.I smiled so effortlessly and the day was a breeze. Amazingly, my friends didn't appear to have changed at all. They were the same old, bubbly and fun ppl as I have remembered them as. I was also the old me, not caring, the happy-go-lucky person that I was. When I forgot about grades, secondary school homework and drama, life seemed so easy.

It just occured to me that I felt so free because the more I commit myself to, the heavier I feel, no matter whether it makes me happy or not. So I was grabbed by this insane desire to grab the closest primary school student I see and tell them to treasure this moment, this point in their lives forever. I didn't bring a camera, but I captured my return to primary school in my heart. It's stupid, but I felt like crying really badly then.I can't believe I'd let all of these experiences slip through my fingers like water... once it'd splashed to the floor, I couldn't scoop them up again.

When I walked the corridors of my old school.... the feeling of lost reappeared again. It's not much about the place, but I longed for the carefreeness...the feeling of love.

I remember the day when I saw you... you were just another boy then.... but you started giving me deep, searching looks...I would sometimes turn around only to catch you staring at me lovingly..... but you never broke your gaze on mine. You would give me the lovely crooked smile I love so much.... and blush a little..... but you never looked away. You never did.

I remember the times when you sneaked into my class just to see me.... and you would stay there for a whole period unnoticed, ... I remember the time when you would take the long way around to the toilet (many many times during one hour) just to look at me studying. If there was a time I would like to relive again in my entire life... it was the time when you were looking at me from a distance, while I was stuck in my class..... and our eyes met, for a fraction of a second, although it felt like years, I was mesmerized by your gaze.... by the chemistry that fed off your body..... I couldn't look away... I always wanted to ask you...if you felt it too? That pull between us... Then you smiled, and I feel that smile every time I'm alone.

You never looked at the flag during assembly... I could feel your piercing, warm gaze at the back of my neck...staring at my hair...my face...I felt beautiful. I remember that you used to touch my back with the gentlest of pressures... brush my shoulder so slightly.... or tug on my curls when you thought I wasn't looking...

I remember how you like to say my name again and again,... everyday.... I never was quite able to appreciate how sweetly and softly you say it at that time... you were the reason why I woke up everyday looking forward to school.... I remember how you would try to stop me in the corridor with your arms... and I would grasp your wrist to let me go...and feel that comforting electricity flow beneath your skin...

Noone can say my name the way you say it... noone can replace that smile I've lost so long ago.... I remember the red jacket you liked to wear... and the smell of it smells like the rain.... I remember the time when you sneaked into the library and said 'Hanis...' over and over again while the teacher was teaching....

But most of all I remember the time when you whispered "I love you.."... on that rainy day, with your red jacket, your light-brown windblown hair... and the lovely crooked smile I adore so much.

You never got to hear my response.

But what I wanted to say was this...
"I love you too."

All I Want For Christmas Is You

2007-08-21T18:52:00.000-07:00

Baby all I want for christmas is you.

That's for Gerard, anyway. HEHEh.

I LOVE MCR's version of All I Wawnt For Christmas Is You!!!!!!!!! They turned a funny jingle into a rockin' classic!! HAHA. MCR should do remixes of every single song we know. OMG I'm laughing at the very horror of Gerard singing "hey hey you you I don't like your girlfriend" OMGERARD!!!

KAY KAy. Nevermind. forget what I've been crapping about. Anyway, I wanna show you guys a couple of random MCR lyrics that I have found truth and meaning in them. Over the past.... 3 years of my life. (I discovered My Chem in P6, so some of these experiences can be related to Primary school or myself-very little are from this year, but most of them are related to last year-)

Well I'll choose the life I've taken, never mind the friends I'm making
and the beauty that I'm faking lets me live my life like this

And you can cry all you want to, I don't care how much

And you can't touch my brother and you can't keep my friends
and we're not working out, we're not working out

Well I hope I'm not mistaken by the news I heard from waking
and it's hard to say I'm shaken, by the choices that I make
and well I find it hard to stay, with the words you say

And I'll keep on making more
Just to prove that I adore
Every inch of sanity

You said we're not celebrities, we spark and fade, they die by threes
I'll make you understand and you can trade me for an apparition

Trust, you said
Who put the words in your head?

And there's no room in this hell,
There's no room in the next,
And our memories defeat us,
And I'll end this direst.

Preach all you want but who's gonna save me?
I keep a gun on the book you gave me, hallelujah, lock and load

This hole that you put me in wasn't deep enough and I'm climbing out right now
you're running out of places to hide from me when you go
just know that I will remember you

I see you lying next to me
With words I thought I'd never speak
Awake and unafraid
Asleep or dead?

So shut your eyes,
Kiss me goodbye,
And sleep.
Just sleep.

I'm really not so with you anymore.
I'm just a ghost, So I can't hurt you anymore.

You might wake up and notice you're someone you're not

'Cause we are all a bunch of animals
That never paid attention in school.
So tell me all about your problems;
I was killing before killing was cool.

And if you hold on
And need me to stay
You get the hard thoughts
Oh baby just the mistakes
Maybe we'll just
Shut up and play

There's a lot LOT more. But one last thing:

Oh I dont want a lot for Christmas
This is all Im askin for
I just want to see my baby standing right outside my door
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true
All I want for Christmas is you.

HEHEH. LOVE MIE FWENS!!! Gotta go fetch Sharon now. :P

i wonder how...

2007-08-20T00:26:00.000-07:00

My weekends were not spent in vain.

I went to Malysia on Saturday, and OH JOY; I managed acquire a lovely black traditional Malay suit for Hari Raya. It rocks, I tell you. It's like, black with abstract and random patterns of pink and yellow at the sides, made of chiffon silk, and flares at the end of the sleeve. Well. It SHOULD be nice. It cost 600.

I have TWO suits now, and both are black. My mom is pretty irritated.

Then, on Sunday, it rained. RAIN RAIN oh GLORIOUS rain. I love the smell, the image of the dark green canopy of the tress against the deep-set gray of the sky. I like the way the grass gets moist with water and how my windows mist up in the cold. I like how I can enjoy the chilly breeze of the icy wind while still feeling wrapped up and warm in the safety of my room. I like.

To make things even better, at that particular moment I was indulging myself in hot-fudge chocolate brownies with white bits of chocolate at the top- delicious. It wasn't crispy, but soft, warm, and very VERY VERY chocolatey. Ah.

I found out more about myself. I am a very...precarious person. Careful...balanced. Ok, wait. That sounds confusing. Let me explain. I'm the sort of person who can say I hate black, but if you give me white I'll say no, too. But when I am presented with gray... I won't like it, but I won't hate it either. Balance.

That's how I found out about my mysterious liking for zoning out alone on bus trips. After a whole day of socializing with ppl, I just need to space out for a while, by myself. I don't know WHy, but I have a theory. I think that after a day of letting ppl know, see and hear me, my mind feels like it has been raped. But a good rape. Still, I've always felt safe inside my mind. And that's why bus trips matter a lot to me. It's a time to be on my own, to build castles in the air, (with help from MCR music, of course) and fantasize and dream. I honestly don't mind ppl being with me, but I feel so guilty when I'm not entertaining them that I feel REALLY uncomfortable. So that's why, dear Sharon, I'd prefer you to go home with Jas or someone else. Nothing personal. But it makes me uncomfortable when I don't talk to you...and it makes me uncomfortable when I do. (Balance, remember?) It applies to everyone. Unless my mind feels like it can afford to be raped another hour, then yeah. I'll open my mouth.

And another reason why I like to listen to MCR is because of their lyrics. Okay, so it's majorly BECAUSE of their lyrics. But the thing about that is....it doesn't make sense...sometimes. But after you've gone through a certain...thing, suddenly their lyrics scream bloody truth and you just hang on to it like a lifesaver, coz you know you're not alone. That's why MCR is really looked up to by many ppl. Trust me. I've been there.

And the fact is...They're not very straightforward. They use metaphors, like, a lot, and a couple of similes, so that's how their lyrics are so beautiful and flowy, like a book. It's not like "Hey hey you you I don't like your girlfriend" (don't get me wrong, i like that song) or "Keep your hands off my girl" or summin like that. But MCR will probably be like "You came with a girl from hell, and I don't think the angels like her" or "I'm sorry that you're selectively blind, but can't you see that girl is mine?"

Haha. I'm having fun. Okay. Stop. Before I get carried away.

so. I gotta go.

BTW, I like rain. PiTTER PATTER PITTER PATTEr.

It's raining...it's pouring...the old man is snoring...
He went to bed...bumped his head...and couldn't get up in the morning.....

How come I've never realized how morbid that rhyme was?

Desert Song

2007-08-10T05:10:00.000-07:00

Today was a DAmN bitch. HAHAHHA

let's see.... My parents promised me to go to Malaysia...but NOOOO.... they cancelled on me last minute.... then they took me to visit Kinokuniya at Taka, and I was desperately searching for ECLIPSE.... and they told me that THE STOCK HAS NOT ARRIVED YET. Thus, the smart me makes a reservation and very politely asks them to inform me when it arrives. ($^%^$#%^46364 was kinda going through my head at that time-)

In a moment of desponess, I called upon Siaw EE to check in at Malaysia and buy me an Eclipse book if they have it in stock OVER THERE. After that, I rushed to Borders and guess what???? THE STOCK CAME YESTERDAY BUT IT BLOODY SOLD OUT YESTERDAY TOO. I screamed NO!!! really loudly at the counter---- frigging embarrasing moment---- and the staff just laughed at me, like as if I wasn't the only one to have done it before..... HMM.

So, can you picture MOI, with a very DEJECTED AND REJECTED face slowly walking the paths of a posh shopping mall??? Yes. Kay. Now imagine my sad being finding herself in a wonderful CD shop called Gramophone. Like what I always do, I go straight to the 'M' section. (It's all subconcious, really) and -URGH- there was no MCR album. Even though I've bought their albums, it still kinda satisfies me to hold a new one in my hand and wonder how its' next owner will feel about their music. ANYWAY,,,I found something even BETTER. WAAAYYYY better. I found a 2-disc CD/DVD pack, filled with all sorts of MCRIEEEE stuff!! I thought it wasn't in stock anymore..... it includes a video diary, and music...and demo music....and videos of MCR backstage and live concerts. AAAARRRGGGHHH!!!!

I swear, I would have burned all the ECLIPSE books in the world just to get my hands on that thing. Unfortunately, it was NC16. I tried to look as grown up as possible to reserve it, but they just looked at me with a very 'sorry' kinda face. (At times like these, the Singapore government would be very happy to revel in the knowledge that they do not allow guns to be carried around by normal citizens) but I was marginally happy by the time I got out of the mall. It's damn freaky, what MCR does to my emotional self-being without even trying.

And it got even BETTER. When I got home, I heard a very lovely demo song by MCR on the net...it's called 'desert'...and it is currently my fav song now. Then then then then the KINOKUNIYA ppl called me to tell me that that that that the the the the ECLIPSE BOOK IS IN STOCK!!!! Hah!!

My Chemical Romance. What will I ever do without you???

Siaw Ee says that my blog posts have become less like the last time. Ah. I have my reasons, dear. Don't worry, I haven't become bimbotic or weird in any sense.

ME ME ME ME.

Jet black hotel mirror.

2007-07-27T04:12:00.000-07:00

I'm at home, watching MCR live concerts. FAMOUS LAST WORDS. Gerard's voice is HEAVEN. God, I think I'm in love with that guy. I LOVE WATCHING THEIR CONCERTS!!!

... ... ...

I'm crying right now....and I don't even know why.

I'm sorry. I'm just so overcome with emotion...let me calm down first...

When I look at them...

SIGH. Some other day. I can't get over this feeling tonight.

ZERO

2007-07-24T18:13:00.000-07:00

I like that name. Zero. It's effing cute. Zero the vampire, Jake the werewolf. Somehow 'Edward the Vamp' doesn't really make it for me.

I'm in the library now, and watching My Chemical Romance perform Helena live on YouTube. Illegally. But anyway, I think MCR is the only band that sounds nicer live than in their album. Gerard has a lot of STAGE PRESENCE and his vocals are simply heavenous. HAHAHA. Heavenous. Seriously. My vocab is THAT limited.

So...where was I again? Oh yeah. I was gushing about Gerard Way. Being oh-so-sizzling-gorgeous and ultra-sexy, it's a wonder how he's not crowned the Mega-Star-Sex-God-Ruler of the universe. The world is unfair, Gerard. You'd have to wait. Well, when you do(become Mega-Star-Sex-God-Ruler), can I be your pwincess??? *hint hint*

Um..you know what? I think I'd stop there coz most of you ppl will not enjoy my ravings on Gerard and his AMAZINGLY AMAZINGED AMAZING band.

Hanis, enough. Shut up.

I've been reading Vampire Knight...this manga thingy... it's actually quite tolerable...haha no. It's alright. The drawings are very appreciateable. ZERO MAY BE HOT BUT GERARD WAY IS GORGEOUS-ER.

Ah yeah, me and Gee made up some PRETTY COOL slogans. Watch this:
"Vampires are cool...but Werewolves are just plain HOT!"
OOh yes...and my fav:
"Werewolves can HOWL, but Vampires just SUCK." GEDDITGEDDITGEDDIT?????
AHAHAHA. Sorry. I'll take this as a sign to get a life.

I want to be random.

I like the original version of the red jumpsuit apparatus facedown. Damn nice.
I like Jacob Black. And Sirius Black. Most unfortunately, they live in two different books. They're both dogs, though.
I don't really like the new Harry Potter book. I fell asleep halfway. Rowling made the pace a bit TOO fast for the setting, and it sounds like she's writing a script for a movie. You know, like: Okay, so in this scene, Ron leaves Harry. Cut, end scene. Change to Voldemort's scene. You know. I couldn't get sucked into the story. It wasn't that believable. But the emotions were there. I'd give her credit for that.

Wait wait. Laughing now. Do you know that Gerard tells stories during his concerts? Yeah. Right now, I'm watching a video, and he's telling his fans a story about a handsome knight on a white horse and a silver shining sword (You, Gerard?) and a princess-rubbish vomiting dragon. HEY! He didn't finish the story. This is what he said:

"And-And, did you know what the prince said to the dragon???
'In the middle of a gunfight,
in the centre of a restaurant,
They say
Come with your arms raised high'
Oh. Ok. Gerard, you do not have a future as a storyteller. HAHHA. Nah. I like the story.

He's so cute! Gerard was trying to tease the audience.
"Let me hear you say 'HO!' (Audience obeys)
Let me hear you say 'Hey-ho!' (Audience obeys)
Let me hear you say 'Go!' (Audience obeys)
'GO! GO!'You're all too slow, too slow, too slow, here we go now," (Audience looks at Gerard with a very (Diao??) expression)

And when he says it, he makes even the most simplest of words turn into music.

Okay. I'm going to part with Gerard's words:

"I know something you don't.
And that is, I'm not wearing any underwear.
Let me see you get sexy for a minute... Uhuh. "

Wow Gerard... no underwear? I wonder if Britney Spears' got her no-panties fad idea from you.

But as Gerard says... let's get SEXY.

For a minute.

Evillity

2007-07-22T18:12:00.000-07:00

I just watched Harry Potter yesterday. Um... I couldn't really concentrate coz my friends were being irritating... SORRY SIAW EE!!! It was a surprise. They already booked the ticket. AAARgh. But anyway...haha. It was pretty fun.

I AM MISSING IN ACTION at school today!!! Boo ya. I hadn't been feeling well since Friday, but then the fever, flu and cough kicked into high gear after I came back from the movies. I DID get better overnight... but then I woke up really late today (at 7.15) and there was no bloody way I was going to get a booking slip when I had a perfectly good excuse to skip lessons. I took some medicine an hour ago and I'd better write fast before my brain threatens to shut down.

Oh shit. I feel tired already.

I forgot what I was supposed to write about. Damn.

So...I'm sick, and I'm blogging when I'm supposed to be in school. But , like Edward Cullen says, "It's perfectly healthy to ditch class every now and then," HAHAHA.

Damn. I just fell asleep at the keyboard.

I can't type anymore... *yawn*

The drugs are kicking in... goodnight. Don't miss me.

THANK YOU.

2007-07-17T18:44:00.000-07:00

Early Sunsets Over Monroeville is a great song.

I love Gerard. I was on Youtube, and this is what he said at a concert:

"Something we've been saying on this tour, is that sometimes the world could be a really ugly place, right? It's not always really pretty, its ugly, people's feelings get hurt. Sometimes its terrible, but its also a really beautiful place that we all share together, and if you ever feel depressed or hurt in any way and you find yourself feeling very desperate find somebody that you trust, that you can talk to, be it a teacher, a parent, a best friend, a therapist at school, there's lots of free programs you guys can find people to talk to. But the most important thing is no matter what, no matter what happens to you, no matter how desperate you feel, never resort to violence."

I love him. I wonder if YOUR idol says stuff like that at concerts and stuff. GERARD is MY IDOL. Without him and the band, I would be NOTHING.

I LOVE THEM.

So much.

If the band can somehow listen to me right now, this is what I would like to say to them:

Thank you for everything you have done for me. Thank you for being there when I fall, thank you for providing an escape when I needed one. Thank you for assuring me that you will never hurt me. Thank you for all the advice you have given me when I watch your concerts on YouTube. And last of all, Thank you for letting me be myself.

but really,...it all boils down to one thing.

THANK YOU FOR EXISTING.

FOR BEING THERE.

JUST BEING. AND NOTHING MORE.

Gerard is my idol.

2007-07-16T05:45:00.000-07:00

I think everyone really underestimates the love I have for My Chemical Romance.

I discovered the band when I was in primary 5 or 6.... the Helena video. That was a massacre. And at that time, mind you, I was a punk rock hater and the 'OMGIlOVeHilaryDuffAndLIndsAYLohan' kind of person. But the video really touched my heart. I really really really liked their video and song, even though I tried to convince myself that I hate MCR just like any other wannabe rock band. But a few weeks down the road, I was proved wrong.

The ghost of you.

I loved the video so much I began to obsess about it. I told my friends all about my increasing interest in the band, and they would call me loyally whenever there was the MCR video playing on MTV. and thus, one thing lead to another, and I began extensive research on the band members.

So, well, after learning their names and all, the band chose that moment to lie low. I was just beginning to think that they were gone from the scene when... TADA!

WELCOME TO THE BLACK PARADE.

I swear I fell in love with the band AGAIN, and this time I became a die-hard fan. I was so mentally in love with them...and I have to admit, I was at that stage of time where the very mention of MCR would send me reeling from the real world. I, just like any other teenage girl, went through a crush phase on them. It lasted for quite a while...I think you guys have seen me at my very worst moments squealing 'OMGOMGMCRMCR' over and over again.But as I began to listen to more of their songs, I unknowingly began to build a relationship with them.

This band that I've never met before, never seen face-to-face, never talked to before, and I was beginning to go deeper than love. Is it even possible for any person to make others fall in love with them time and time again every time you listen to a new song?

No one except for MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE. I especially like Gerard, coz his voice was the first thing I noticed about the band. Now, whenever I listen to his songs, I begin to appreciate them more.

I find different meanings everytime I listen to the same song. It just...cuts you deep, down inside. And his voice is PERFECT, for me. I love him so much.

And thus the imaginary Gerard was created. He never seems INVISIBLE to me, he's always there, and he just appears so ethereal, sometimes even I wonder if he's human. Do you want to know why My Chemical Romance is a hit for ppl to write fanfics? the same reason why you like to fall in love with fictional characters in books. BECAUSE THEY CAN NEVER HURT YOU.

Gerard will never hurt me, and I won't hurt him either.

You guys will never NEVER understand my love for MCR, and call me mental for dreaming that they're always by my side, but when I hurt in the middle of the night, Gerard is the one who murmurs soothing words that seem to have come from the band's songs, and when my left hand spasms with the pain of yesterday, the beating of his heart is the one that takes it away, the rhythm of his heart eerily familiar to the drums in their songs. Who was the person who taught me how to channel my anger into something better? It was Gerard, whose magical,powerful voice reaching into the deep void beneath me.

IT WAS GERARD, AND WILL ALWAYS BE.

I love MCR, and I really do love them. It's not some sort of weird 'he'ssohot' kinda thing (which I kmow most of you have over bands like fahrenheit-sorry) Being hot is a bonus,. I fell in love with the voice and the beat, the lyrics before I looked at the MAN.

MY LOVE FOR THEM WILL STAY ON FOREVER.

Even when they grow old and have children and die, I will still remember them as my eternal saviors, my ticket to heaven- in the middle of hell.

I love them.

Truly I do.

If I die without telling them this... tell it for me.

Thanks.

Love you.

I MISS YOU.

2007-07-11T05:58:00.000-07:00

Life is full of choices.

You don't really notice that until you start NOTICING, and I can't tell you how to notice if you don't NOTICE. So just...notice, okay?

GOD it's been such a horrible week, what with Drama Of History, Drama, Drama Elective, and Drama SYF. Shit my timetable. Most of the days clash, and I don't really have much time left for myself. But amazingly, I feel very CALM.

I thought that by pleasing others, I could please myself. But not all things work out...the way they are supposed to. But when I please myself, I end up hurting others...

But I've found it. That very thin edge between accepting and being accepted. At least, that's what I thought.

I'm sorry if my choice affects yours..oh, what the hell am I thinking? Of COURSE it will affect yours. URGH. I am...SORRY.
No words can cover how I feel. But truly, I am sorry. I know I may sound selfish, but there's more to that then just...them. Shit. How cryptic do I sound here? what a load of bullcrap. I'll try to get to the point.

Let me give you a scenario: A girl who has been battling cancer, and she makes it to to relapse or whatever temporary cure she has. But one day, at the barest hint of a virus, she can die. Why? Coz she's been battling her whole life, and her body is just TIRED of doing it anymore. That's why an ordinary virus could kill her when in fact, she was practically a fighting machine back then.

I'm not doing this for me. It's not for you either.
The thin line between accepting and being accepted.

That's why...one word was enough to kill me, although I've grown immune. That's what I thought. My plans have backfired. But...I can't do it anymore. Surrendering. How wonderfully craptastic I sound now.

So..I shall let the chips fall where they may. (the line's from twilight, btw)

I wish that I'd only listened to Gerard earlier. he likes to give pieces of advice in between songs at concerts, so I was checking them out on YouTube when he said this:

"One day, you'll wake up and find that all your dreams are gone.
And one day, ALL of you will experience that."

I was kind of shocked, actually. he sounded pretty serious. But I didn't heed his words.

How I WISH I did.

It's true. Reality doesn't hit you during the day while you're out with your friends like in the movies, it hits you the hardest when you wake up, coz then your subconscious has had time to think it over.

And trust me, it's not the nicest kind of feeling you'd want to experience.

When I wake up and don't see his face, I ache.
When I enter my room and see the blank walls, I crumble.
When his voice isn't the last thing I hear before I fall asleep, I die.
But I don't cry.

He made me promise not to.

IN SCHOOL.

2007-06-26T18:20:00.000-07:00

Currently looking at ALOTALOTALOT of Mcr pictures. They never fail to strike me as hot and sexy and ultra-hot and ultra-sexy again and again. *saves pictures in MP4*

HOLIDAYS ARE OVERRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! There. I've announced them officially. No more lazing around on the bed, reading books, eating chocolates and listening to the radio. Sigh. Ok. i wanna tell you guys about the MOST AMAZING book I came across during the summer hols.

It is called....TADA! Twilight. The second book, called New Moon. It's basically about VAMPIRES. Gerard's obsession! HAHAHA. There's this guy named Edward Cullen in the book, and he's supposed to be absolutlely GORGEOUS. Whenever I think of his name, I think of a Gerard Way look-alike. They are making a movie out of this book, and one of the suggestions for the beautiful-oh-so-amazing Edward Cullen is...GERARD WAY!!! OMGee, am I feeling happy.

I've actually learned a lot about the ppl that I've ever talked to, and I already planned all the things that I expect them to do, but nothing too high. I WILL be surprised if what I think this person would do does not do it. But don't worry, I only obsessed about this in the last week of the June hols so that I'll know how to survive. and guess what? School is pretty bearable. I guess most ppl are very predictable.

But most of you are predictable in a good way. And I love you guys, kay? But there are a few....that can't be predicted. And these ppl I stay away from. And I've realized that quite a few ppl act in their daily lives. I've been looking over a particular girl's actions these past few weeks.... I think a lot of ppl have had something to do with her being like that. But I love her. She's such a great person to be around with.

Well. I should stop obsessing about characters. I think Drama has finally gone into my head. Shoot.

Haha. During DEP camp, I had a very interesting time with our dear Mrs.Crothers.

Mrs.Crothers (MC): So, Hanis, since when have you become so introverted?

Me: Introverted? (Thinks quickly about the right thing to say without giving away too much- shifts eye contact, on her face-not her eyes- plasters slight smile on my face) I've recently discovered the library. (Holds up book) *not bad, Hanis*

MC: Welll...I don't know...you're running away from SOMETHING, but at least you're headed in that direction...ah well. (Shrugs and leaves)

That was the first one.

MC: Yeah well, i totally understand this girl's character. I was gossiped about in JC.

Me: You were bullied? What did you do to get yourself worthy enough to be gossiped about? (Tilts head in a slight angle, opens eyes a little wider-to look innocent and caring)

MC: That's just it. You don't have to do ANYTHING. Gossip is just a vicious circle.

Me: *thinks* Oh crap. I should change my tactics.Shit Hanis, look! LOOK! Dig something out! *stops thinking*. (Looks thoughtfully into Mrs. Crothers eyes, searching, searching... Found.) I can guess. I do feel a little sorry, though. Oh...ok...

She's actually pretty interesting. Hmm. That's something. . She IS a great actress.

GOTTA GO.

Better yet, make your girlfriend DISAPPEAR

2007-06-11T17:11:00.000-07:00

I have always loved Avril Lavigne.

She was my idol when the Sk8ter Boi vid came out. I loved the way she rocked and stuff, like, she was totally crazy. But at that time I wasn't blessed with a single inkling of how to dress, so I was mentally unable to pick out clothes. I was instead, honored with the talent of hating shopping. (CONFESSION: I still kinda do) So, those little pieces of cloth you see hanging in my oh-too-small wardrobe were the result of my ignorance.

WELL. Good news to you fashionistas who are most probably fainting time and time again reading this post. ME, HANIS KHAIRUNNISA, IS GETTING A WARDROBE MAKEOVER. Yay! You may breathe now. I will be making a built-in wardrobe in my room, (I have already sketched out my plans, and THANK GOD the patient contractor was able to understand my pathetic drawings-let's just say Mdm. Seah won't be too proud) and shall be able to receive it at the end of this month. Most unfortunately, I wasn't able to pick out a lovely black oak colour, (parent interference) and was instead FORCED to choose white oak.

So, what am I going to do with all of that new-found space of mine? CLOTHES. Of course. Avril lavigne- inspired clothes. I have taken to a pretty tomboyish appearance this week, and am trying VERY hard to look like Ms. Avril in Sk8ter Boi. OKAY OKAY. You're most probably wondering : Hanis? Avril Lavigne? What...w..what? So let me explaineth.

JUST BECAUSE I LIKE MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE DOES NOT MEAN I HAVE TAKEN A LIKING FOR BLACK AND RED COLORS. I have to admit though, those are pretty good combos. But I really prefer light purple and black. HAH.

So, as I was saying, I have fallen fashion victim to the punk-rock-chick-boyish look. Am trying to salvage what's left of my wardrobe to pull together a very cool-looking outfit that um, would hide my flaws. Flaws of not being able to find clothes that are nice. SHH. (Don't tell anyone) AH! I have found a pair of nice-looking army overalls. Let's see....pair it with a nice black shirt...and....and....eew. Looks too plain. EEYURGH. Not my style. Shorts? Leggings? OH MY...GOSH IT LOOKS.....WEIRD.

Yep. Totally my style. *stashes away weird-looking combination into the back of my rotting wardrobe*

OOOh yes. Before I rant on and bore all of you to death. IhavefoundaverycutepictureofJaredLetoinhishighschool.
There! All said in one breath.

Do you know that I own only ONE miniskirt? (YES YES, You're DYING!) But I, as I've mentioned before...I think.... that I pretty much grew up with guys. So I don't feel a need to erm...sell my lovely gorgoeus-y tanned never-ending legs. HEh. I like PANTS AND THREE QUARTERS. The last time I wore a skirt was when....I met the President. Er...what was that? Beginning of this...year.... HAHAHA. (DIE, B'S!!!!)

ENOUGH SAID ABOUT MY FASHION SENSE. My very twisted...sense. Hey. Not all people are born with a fashionistic sense. BOO.

Oh god..no...my brain is threatening me a meltdown.... AAAAAAAAAAAAAA

Kays. shall say whatever's left of that little storage space in my head.

THINGS THAT I WANT TO ACHIEVE IN SEC.SCHOOL:

-Go through at least 10 phases, which may involve a certain amount of scaring in certain people

-Have some motherfucking bad-ass bitches by my side which I shall dearly label as my friends (ACHIEVED-BUT NOT FROM THIS SCHOOL)

-Become a motherfucking bad-asser myself (saving for probably Sec.3)

-Become a really really prissy good-ass preppy schoolgirl (Urgh-haven't I done that in Sec 1?)

-Commit at least one REALLY REALLY big offence which may involve a couple of detentions and heart-to-heart chats with Mrs.Sin. Eew. May scrape that one off.

-Get drunk one day and come to school in a hangover

-Have at least one decent (motherfucking bad ass) guy by my side..

-Have a really really bad argument with a motherfucking bitch teacher in front of the class (It's fun, ya know?)

-Make as many people smile when they are around me XD

-Make and keep as many friends as possible. (:

Ah. Mrs Sin would be so proud. I have lovingly carved out my future. I guess the reason why I'm not afraid to do all these is because I'm not afraid of being kicked out. I don't worry about my grades either. I know I can be smart if I want to. I'm an actress. I can be ANYONE I want to be!!!!!!

I CAN BE ANYONE I WANT TO BE!!!!!! I used to think me acting in school, in everyday life was making me hate myself, but since noone seems to care, I shall instead turn it into an advantage. I LOVE YOU ALL!!!! Just don't be scared if I'ma girly girl one day and a tomboy the next. i have accepted that that is who I am. I AM A WORM!!! i just can't stay in one place at one time. I have to be EVERYONE!!!!

HEHE. So, here's the crazy me signing OFF.

She was a one-time teenage drama queen
A hot tough everyday WANNABE

ACCOUNTS ON MEETING MCR

2007-06-08T05:45:00.000-07:00

Meeting band is a thrill despite chill

Long, cold wait to see My Chemical Romance is worth it

By Amanda Pierce
For the Deseret Morning News

Amanda Pierce, 19-year-old daughter of Deseret Morning News TV critic Scott D. Pierce, recalls her recent after-show meeting with members of the band My Chemical Romance ... and their security guards.

Amanda Pierce

Amanda Pierce meets Gerard Way of My Chemical Romance.

CHICAGO — I got to meet My Chemical Romance, and I didn't even get arrested. I got threatened with arrest, but I didn't get arrested.
On Dec. 15, my friends and I were in Chicago, where we'd flown for one reason and one reason only — to see My Chemical Romance perform. We stood outside the Aragon Ballroom in the freezing cold from 7 a.m. until they let us in at 6 p.m., and the concert itself was without a doubt the best show I've ever seen.
But the night didn't end when the concert was over at 11 p.m. About 20 of us hard-core My Chem fans went to wait by the buses for a chance to say hi to the band, and we were ready for a long night.
Venue security, however, was not. At about 11:30 p.m., a guard ordered us to leave immediately. We ignored him, talking quietly and making new friends.
Then another security guard started screaming, threatening to call the police. "My Chemical Romance isn't coming out tonight," he said. "I wish they were good people, but they just don't care about you."
And a number of discouraged fans did leave at that point.
I, on the other hand, just got angry. Not only was security being unnecessarily rude and forceful, they were blaming the band.
With five security guards yelling at us, we got up and walked a few feet down the sidewalk. At that moment, out walked Brian Schechter, MCR's manager, looking confused and frustrated. "It's OK for them to wait," he told security.
But not 30 seconds after Schechter went back inside, security was threatening us again. Still, Schechter had given us hope.
We thought that if we went across the street, security would leave us alone. Oh, how wrong we were. Three police cars showed up, lights blazing and sirens blaring. Half a dozen police officers came up to us, swinging their handcuffs and threatening us with "consequences."
It seemed now was the time to go. As we walked away, the tour buses pulled out and we waved, looking more than a little disappointed. Our disappointment quickly turned to astonishment as the buses pulled into a public parking lot across the street. Had they really just moved from the venue so we could wait to meet them?
All it took was another three hours in the freezing cold to find out. We huddled together with strangers to stay warm, and at about 2:30 a.m. the band arrived.
Vocalist Gerard Way was first. A guy in his mid-20s told him, "Thank you for everything the band has done for me," and burst into tears as Way hugged him.
About this time, my friend Kat and I found a hotel-room key on the ground next to the bus. Thinking it might belong to somebody connected to the band, I pushed Kat toward two people we thought were a couple of roadies — but it was bassist Mikey Way and his bodyguard.
Kat approached Mikey, holding out the key. He shrank back, looking uncomfortable until she explained the situation. Then he smiled, thanking her before he climbed on the bus; he was too sick to stay out and mingle. (It wasn't until we later told my father this story that we realized what Mikey must have been thinking when Kat approached him, offering a hotel-room key!)
Drummer Bob Bryar was obviously feeling better than Mikey. He jumped from the bus, hands raised in the air like a superhero, making everyone laugh. Guitarist Ray Toro came strolling across the street and quickly became involved with another fan in a conversation about guitars.
Finally, guitarist Frank Iero came over and started posing for photos with each fan, taking time to comment on how "dumb" he looked and trying to make sure his eyes weren't closed in each shot.
Night was turning into morning when Schechter and Worm (the band's personal bodyguard) came over and told Iero it was time to go. Iero hadn't had a chance to talk to all the fans yet, so he started frantically running around and signing autographs for as many as he could. Schechter once again told him it was time to go, and Iero, with a look of panic in his eyes, began giving out hugs at warp speed.
Finally, Worm had to step in and literally carry Iero onto the bus — as Iero stretched out his arms toward the fans and called, "Goodbye!"
I was 1,400 miles from home. I spent 16 hours outside, with only a jacket over my T-shirt to protect me from the freezing cold. I wore garbage bags on my feet to stay warm. I almost got arrested for trespassing on a public sidewalk. I was never so tired in my life.
But I wouldn't change a thing. In fact, I would go through twice as much just to experience half of what I did.

Me, Siaw Ee and Natalie watched this cute little interview with Gerard:

Question: If Bob, Ray, Mikey and Frank were all hanging on a cliff, and there was only time to save one, who would you save?

Gerard: I'd jump too.

Interviewer: I just knew you'd say that.

*gerard laughs*

YOU SHOULDN'T MAKE SOMETHING YOUR EVERYTHING. COZ WHEN IT'S GONE, YOU'LL BE LEFT WITH NOTHING.

I'm very pissed right now. VERY pissed.

shall cry myself to sleep.

BYE.

Holla.

2007-06-04T23:51:00.000-07:00

I am like, sooooo bored.

It's the June hols and I suddenly miss my primary school days. I just realized that some of us girls here should really pick up some lessons from the guys. It's good for gals to be exposed to guys in primary school, yeah...

I remember...

That time when I was playing catching with the guys at the corridors, and the teachers came out to scold me, the boys ran up towards the teachers and told her it was them. When I copied off a guys' worksheet and the teacher found out, he said he copied MY work. When a teacher accused me ruthlessly of killing the pet rabbits in our school, the boys were there to back me up. When my girlfriends ditched me, the boys invited me to play soccer with them during recess so that I won't be lonely. (I was always the goalkeeper!)

I had a guy-friend who was going through some pretty rough times. Then, when he was playing soccer, he started beating up his best friend for no reason. His best friend suffered a brutal cut on his chin, but when I went to see how he was doing, he just shook his head and said, "It's Ok. I'm his best friend. There's something else in his life that he's worried about. Don't scold him. Be there for him." Tell me. If your best friend suddenly punches you out of the blue, you'd most probably cry and give her the cold shoulder for a month. I really admire some guys.

I had a guy enemy (who's my good friend now) and we downright hated each other. One day, as I was running down the corridor, he stuck out his foot and I fell over, and my mouth hit something sharp. It was bleeding, but what my enemy did was unexpected. He didn't run away like most jerks do. He helped me up and wiped away the blood. Asked me if I was okay. He looked so goddamn worried I laughed. Ever since then, he's been great.

Now that I look back, I realized another thing. There was one time when a couple of troubled boys started smoking in school. I went to that particular place to play soccer again. But my guy-enemy started throwing stones at me. I thought the boys asked him to do that. But what he did was way better. He didn't want me to get sucked in to that kind of influence, he was keeping me away.

The guys who got caught smoking were caned. By my dad. He's a policeman. It was hard, coz the boys knew he was MY dad. I thought they would hate me. But they didn't. One boy in particular caught my attention. He went around school limping, with scars on his legs. But he was still friends with me. He joked, he laughed. I felt for him.

It's fun being in a mixed school coz there will be stuff like "OMG I heard he likes that girl with the long hair" or stuff like that. It's very amusing. I like it. It's even nicer if you're part of a rumor. "hey hanis I heard he likes you lah... yeah that guy...see? He's staring at you like that... so dreamy...sure he want you one..." It's cute. It's all part of growing up. There'll be jealousy, betrayal, but it prepares you for the outside world. I found that I get hurt easily in a girls' school rather than a mixed one. Eeyurgh.

It's fun. Juggling guys, studies, CCA's, it's part and parcel of life. I like all these guy rumours. I'm not a crazy-boy type, (considering I grew up with them rather than the girls) but it gives you a sense of pride when a boy falls for you. It boosts your confidence. It tells you "Hey. I'm actually good enough for someone. I've got some values that that guy wants." Uh...unless that guy wants you for your boobs and butt, then that's a totally different story.

OKAY. I've shown the other side of guys.

I've currently fallen in love with a band called 30 seconds to mars, and I got the last album of the stock!!! XD. Jared, the lead singer, looks like Johnny Depp and Gerard Way mixed together. YAY! He's hot. And he has abs. 6 PACk. He's an actor too. He's acted in 22 movies. YAY. I saw one scene of him in a movie...OMG he looks like Gerard can??? So HOT. his abs are like, a knockout. He acted as a gay guy. I think he IS gay. Based on my track record, if I liked a guy, he's most probably gay. but it only applies to western guys.

JARED GERARD JARED GERARD JARED GERARD JARED GERARD.

At first Gerard was angry with me for gushing over his ability to write great songs and his looks, but I think Gerard likes him. I found a pic of them both on Google. Jared's arm was wrapped over Gerard's shoulder. Smiles.

JADEyyy I shall upload your skin soon!!!

MCR fans might be interested in reading this...

2007-05-24T18:20:00.000-07:00

Maths now. HAHAHA. READ ON. It will explain my fav band. XD.

My Chemical Romance Talk Suicidal Teens, Homicidal Fanatics and Homoerotic Fan Fiction
Christine Clarke
Published: Monday, November 13, 2006

If you stuck a warning label on My Chemical Romance, it would probably read: listening to MCR may result in a) the sudden urge to hurt yourself (if you believe everything you read in the Daily Mail), b) an uncontrollable impulse to write homoerotic fan fiction starring the band or c) the desire to rob bassist Mikey Way at gun point in a pizzeria.

Video: Watch Dose.ca's My Chemical Romance interview
Whether you've ignored the warning and have chosen to blissfully overdose on the melancholic anthems of these hardcore-pop posterboys or you've heeded it and joined the disillusioned fans and foes who've dismissed the band's MySpace to MTV transformation, one thing is for sure: people react strongly to My Chemical Romance.

"You name it - some people are so filled with joy [when they see us] that they're crying and some people are like, I hate your band, you're a sellout,'" says Way of the band's bipolar reception. "It goes anywhere from the happy to the asinine."

For fans of the band, happiness came when their macabre idols released their third effort, The Black Parade. A brusque meditation on death, the album takes listeners on a journey through the afterlife, as told through the eyes of a fictional character referred to as Patient.

"The concept behind the record is that when you die, death comes to you in a form that is comforting to you," says lead guitarist Ray Toro. "For the main character in the story, it takes the shape of a parade. It's the fondest memory that he has as a child when his father took him to see this parade. So, when he passes, death comes to him in the form of a black parade and he goes through the afterlife meeting other characters who have past [away]."

The album is told largely in the form of bleak symbols and cryptic metaphors (the black parade in question is death, explains Toro, who points to the historical link between parades and funeral processions), but while the band's lyrics may appear to fixate intensely on death, the band insists that, taken in the context of the entire story, the album is really an exhortation of life.

"To ignore death and to be afraid of it is dumb because everyone is going to face it at some point," says Toro. "If you look at death and the reality of it, you realize that we're all going to die, so let's use this time on Earth to be positive and do good things. That's the point of this record."

Not everyone sees it that way. In a Daily Mail article published last August, the band was labelled emo (a designation that they reject) and accused of encouraging kids to harm themselves, mainly because of their morose lyrics and death-related imagery.

"That's the funny thing about ignorance, you don't get the full story," says rhythm guitarist Frank Iero. "The funny, tragic thing about the Daily Mail is that the only youth movement they've ever stood behind was the Hitler Nazi Youth. Anything that's every come about that actually empowers kids or that they felt is detrimental to their way of life, they've said is evil."

The band doggedly refuses to budge on using metaphors, theatricality or the storytelling, which defines their music, even though they run the risk of being misinterpreted and, in a peculiar way, misrepresented. The band's emphasis on fiction and fantasy has spawned somewhat of an off-kilter trend among fans: fan fiction.
Message boards across the net are peppered with fictional short stories written by MCR fans that depict the band members in some pretty unusual situations. Some stories feature a strong connection between the band and the underworld, while others depict them in sexually explicit scenarios.

"I've heard about it but I haven't read it," says Iero. "I think I'd be creeped out reading something that I'm a character in and it'd probably creep out the kids who wrote it because they don't want me to read it. It's for other fans.

"It's good that kids are being creative and exploring their creativity," continues Toro. "Just stop making us have sex with each other in your fan fiction."

And stop playing stick-up with the band. On two occasions, things got pretty hairy for Way when he encountered some overzealous folks while the band was on tour.

"One time, a guy told me that if I didn't give him all my money that he was going to shoot everyone in this pizzeria," recounts Way, of what was becoming a recurrence of hostile reactions. "In which case, I grabbed my friend and ran out of the place. Another time, I was on my cellphone next to the venue, and some kid put a gun to my throat and was like, Gimme all your money.' I was like: Dude, I don't have any money.' So, he just punched me in my throat."

"The weird thing about that," quips Iero in one of the band's most literal moments, "is that both times you were wearing that T-shirt that said: Please hold me up at gunpoint.'"
It might be best to heed that warning label.

Story Claims My Chemical Romance Makes Emo Kids Mutilate Themselves, Singer Angered
My Chemical Romance Defends 'Cancer'
More on My Chemical Romance
Animated Chemical Romance

BDAE.

2007-05-24T01:46:00.000-07:00

Thank you for making my day. I love you all.

Special thanks to those who hae wished me happy birthday, those who have made me cards and presents, and i owe one to SHARON, JASMINE, SIAW EE, RAJ and NATALIE.

Thanks for the lovely treat at Pizza Hut.

I love the book, Nat.

Thanks for the wonderful company,card, muffins and balloons, Sharon, Jas and Raj.

And uh...Siaw ee...thx for the 10 bucks.

THANKs. :)

DYING FROM CUTENESS!!!!!

2007-05-22T18:44:00.000-07:00

AHHH!!!! Reading one girl's account of meeting MyChem during Gerard's opening of the Umbrella Academy(his comic) and I'm just DYING from cuteness!!! If I wasn't in the library, I would roll on the floor laughin!!!PLEASE READ. Guaranteed 100% amusement.!!

Yes, you read the cut correctly. Oh my GOD, did you ever read it correctly.
An entire day later, and thinking about it makes me majorly giddy still.

For any Bob fans in the readership... I'll warn you ahead of time, I'm sorry. He may have been attending Con as well, but I didn't see him at all. Everyone else, though...Really, the whole thing is starts off with callsigns (lovely wonderful splendid human that she is =D ), who texted me just before 10 AM on Saturday morning as I was on my way to the convention center with the simple phrase, "Mikey and alicia are at comic con today-keep an eye out!" Because I'm a tremendous dork, I immediately do a rather clumsy three-sixty in place, glancing wildly about incase they were right behind me and I hadn't noticed! Obviously, they weren't - my luck isn't THAT good.

What happened next, as far as I can figure, is that while my brother and I were settling in to watch the LOST pannel (at which I got NO good pictures, by virtue of being in the very, very back row of the second-biggest hall in the damn building, and during which Damon Lindeloff was very evasive and Jorge Garcia was adorable and hilarious during the Q&A), lovesongwriter posted in yeahchemical about Gerard's new comic, The Umbrella Academy, being published by Dark Horse Comics, and the fact that it was being premiered that very day at the Comic Con, and that he was going to be there to kick it off. Upon seeing this gem of information, Jessa lept back into action and texted me again. Sherpa, I pretty much owe you my fucking soul after what ended up happening, because I would never have even known where to look! I've said it before, but THANK YOU EVERSOMUCH! Many ♥s.

So, armed with this new intel, I gamely ditched my somewhat-embarrassed brother and my long-suffering boyfriend on the convention floor and made a beeline for the Dark Horse booth, and sure enough! There in black-and-yellow on the giant poster listing the booth's events throughout Con was listed the following:4:00-5:00pm Gerard Way - new project unveiling! *ticketed event - see Dark Horse staff for details"Ticketed?!" says I, and immediately I flagged down an exhibitor for an explanation. He tells me that it's a free signing, but it's done by raffle. My heart sank a bit at that, as I've made my name by never, EVER winning anything in raffles. My luck, as I've already said, was never that good before. So I go and get myself a raffle ticket from the desk across the booth, at which the attendant was SO rude and confusing in her instructions that I was under the impression that I had to be present, maybe, to claim a spot if my ticket was drawn.

By this time, boyfriend had caught up to me, and I was in the middle of fillinf him in on the situation......when Gerard walked into the booth. In fact, he walked into the booth and stopped about three feet away from me.Externally, I really hope I appeared only to do a rather composed double-take, because I would've hated to telegraph the fact that laying eyes on him literally felt like a punch in the gut. I think all I said to my boyfriend was something like "oh holy SHIT, that's him!", but for the life of me I don't remember. In my head, it all just sounded like, "!!!!!!!"Now any other time I've met anyone I would call one of my heroes, I've been entirely too chicken-shit to say more than a word or two in their direction on account of seizing up with nerves too much by the time I have an opportunity to really speak much.

With that sort of precident, I was as surprised as anyone when, once Gerard had been greeted by the dude whom he was standing nearest, I marched right up to him to chat! The conversation wasn't exactly the longest, the deepest, or most meaningful, but it's fucking LIGHTYEARS from barely getting out a 'yes' when Pete Wentz asked if I wanted a hug. This is pretty much exactly how it went down:

GEE: *is very, very blonde*
LAURA: Hi! *grins* *holds out hand for handshake*
G: *grins back* Hi there! How's it going? *shakes my hand*
L MENTALLY: warmhandwarmhandwarmhandohmygod *starts getting nervous*
L: *finally notices that he's wearing the velvet Slytherin jacket from Sun God festival*
L: *points to jacket* Hey, I recognize the jacket from the Sun God festival!
G: Oh, yeah! Man, people were SO WASTED, that show was NUTS!
L: Yeah, we nearly died out there in the front row. *beat, other dudes walk up and want to talk to Gerard
*L: Well... thanks! *grins again*
OTHER DUDES: Dude. DUDE! *hands up for high fives*
G: Thanks! *turns to high-five other dudes*
L: *backing away* I really like the hair, by the way!
G: Oh, thank you. *looks back over at me* It took FOREVER.
L: *smiles* Yeah, I'd imagine it would.

Right around here, with Gerard still occupied with the other dudes, I suddenly realize that hey! I have my parents' camera in my left hand, turned on, this WHOLE FUCKING TIME. Feeling a bit like a dipshit, I snap just this one picture before realizing that my hands are now shaking way, WAY too much for any more photography for a bit.I may as well give anyone expecting decent visual data from this endeavor a fair warning - this piece of shit photo is just about the best picture I took of this whole bloody awesome thing. My fan tendencies are very much toward the "Want to shake hands with Famous Dude and chat for a few seconds if I'm not too nervous, perhaps get a hug while I'm at it" end of the spectrum, rather than the "Ask for Famous Dude's autograph, take lots of pictures, document document document" end. This is mostly just because I really don't ever get aurographs from anyone (I wouldn't know what to do with them!), and I feel super awkward going up to anyone I don't know really well and asking them for favors like posing for pictures or signing my shit, NOT because I'm placing any sort of value judgement on anyone who generally asks for these things. It's purely a case of my own personal approach to this fan thing versus other people's equally valid approaches.

Unfortunately, while other people's fan things get you priceless photographs to love and icon the hell out of, mine pretty much get you a few haphazard pics and a long-winded, though hopefully entertaining, write-up. Sorry, folks! At least this time, unlike the time getting a hug from Pete, I do have some minimal evidence that it actually took place, crap-tastic though that evidence is. So back to the story. Right after this picture, a Dark Horse official led Gerard off into the booth's little 'backstage' area to talk business, and after calming down for a bit I proceeded to take a few stalkerish, crappy pictures of Gerard drinking Red Bull and chatting with official peeps. Only one of them is even worth your time to look at, and only by the barest margin.At least you can tell it's him - the other one, that is NOT the case. And as the pictures evidently weren't turning out at ALL, I got a little movie clip of Gerard drinking Red Bull and looking at me suspiciously. I really hope he never sees this - my skin crawls with how stalker-esque it makes me look. I really would've been cool with the pictures, man! I just couldn't get the camera to cooperate! It's on Youtube, if anyone wants to see it.

After this, I just kind of stood around for a while, waiting to see if the raffle drawing for the signing was going to go down anytime soon, as I was super unclear as to whether or not I had to be present. Twenty minutes pass PAST the alloted time for the drawing, with me feeling more and more awkward with each passing minute and each time I paced past the opening to the backstage bit. Gerard was clearly visible through the doorway, and the couple of times he glanced out at the gathering crowd I felt a little bit more like "THAT sort of fan", which I HATE, so I went and found the lady in charge of the raffles and asked for a little clarity on the rules, just to see if I could leave for the time being.She turned around, grabbed a wristband, and said "You're in. Come back at four." My face? Pretty much just :O . Talk about asking questions to the right people!

At this point, my day had already been MADE, like, at least eight different times, and I had about and hour and forty-five before the signing, so I bugged out to go hang briefly with my boyfriend (the poor boy barely saw me at all yesterday - ah, the casualties of fandom). I was on a quest to buy a cool t-shirt, so when he got tired enough to brave the shitty anime upstairs for a while to sit down, I went off on my own to keep looking. My quest brought me back by the Dark Horse booth, and I just couldn't help but take a quick look...And Frank, Jamia, Mikey, Alicia, an unknown very short blonde chick, Eliza the hairdresser AND Gerard, were ALL THERE. Just, HANGING OUT. I was just like "GAH. There is NO WAY I can get a picture of this without EVERYONE seeing me take it, and there is just NO WAY I want this FANDOM SMORGASBOARD seeing me make a douche of myself like that." This is your cue to start hating me for not being more forward about my media, because my GOD, Mikey looked just like he did in that one new picture of him sans glasses, from the airport? The one with the eyeliner? WOW. And I always think he's taller than he is, but nope! Five-seven-ish, and in a bulky black jacket and pants despite the 100-degree weather outside and the still-pretty-warm temperature of the hall. Do these dudes not sweat?! And Alicia is blonde too! When did this occur?

And Frank was his usual gorgeous self, slumming a bit in an old t-shirt and jeans; he and Jamia walked off together while I watched (feeling like an IDIOT for staring, mind you), off to explore the floor, and they are the CUTEST thing EVER... it was a total overload. Lots of me, in my head, going "!!!!!!!" again.I got VERY close to saying 'hi' to Mikey at one point - he was chatting with this rather surprised group of girls (who had apparently just seen him over at the booth, not knowing any of the band were coming to Con, and had run over to see what he was there for. good fans, considerate, but obviously trying VERY hard not to flip out and shriek in his face, and he looked SO UNCOMFORTABLE AND SHY, and Alicia was just standing there rolling her eyes at the whole thing), and I made myself go over when they started taking pictures with an eye to getting at least ONE good picture with these dudes, but alas! Once the girls left, he walked backstage again, trying rather visibly to ingnore everyone else out there wanting to talk to him - and honestly, I don't begrudge it him. He was super polite to the girls who cornered him, very courteous, and totally not ready to be social with fans on that kind of scale, and I get that.

SEE?! I'm totally the best sort of fan if you're IN a band I like, but if you're a fellow fan you'll HATE me! I never take pictures of ANYTHING!So, a few minutes more of of people-watching had me feeling at once like I was living in Myspace like something out of the GCH video for 'New Friend Request', and like the creepiest of creeps, so I split again. After killing time for a bit, succeeding in my t-shirt-finding quest, and eating my lunch, I went over and got in the only thing that sort of looked like it could be the line for the signing. The whole thing? Not very well organized, really.I'm in line for maybe a minute, when Frank and Jamia walk through the booth. I'm all "Aw, yay! I'm glad I get to see them again!" as they pass, appearing to leave the booth entirely.

Then they get in line behind me. No, really. They get IN LINE for Gerard's signing. Gerard, who's IN A BAND with Frank. I'm already turned in their direction as they walk up to stand RIGHT BEHIND ME, so Frank comes up and says,

FRANK: Hey, is this the line for Gerard's signing?
LAURA: ... I'm pretty sure it is... *can't help herself*... Wait, you're waiting in LINE to get Gerard's autograph?! Couldn't you just ASK him for one?F: *grins cheekily* (in the whole GAHFRANKWTF of the moment, I completely forgot what he said here. It was either 'Well, he's a busy guy!' or something like 'No, we have to line up too' ... I think)
L: ... Okay, well, I'm guessing this is the line. There aren't any signs up or anything, but this seems like our best bet.
F: Okay, cool.L: All the other kids in line have these wristbands, too, so I think we're good.
F: Oh, shit, we need wristbands?As one, Frank and Jamia look at each other and cross their band-less wrists furtively in front of them. I kept my geeking out over how cute it was very, VERY internal.
L: Well, I'm pretty sure they wouldn't kick YOU our of line, of all people. You're probably fine.

And then this little Asian gentleman came over to chat with Frank. Shortly thereafter the conversation was joined by a scruffy cool-looking white dude in a hat. In the course of NOT EAVESDROPPING NO SIREE NOT AT ALL, I discovered that the Asian guy was the artist for The Umbrella Academy (Gabriel Ba, I've later ascertained)[ETA: LIES! Gabriel Ba is caucasian-ish looking, so this other dude must've been the cover artist, James Jean], and that Jamia's name is pronounced "ja-MEE-a" after all. He introduced her as his girlfriend, not his wife or his fiancee - not really significant, but I remember that clearly.Already at this point, I'm feeling more than a tiny bit creepy. I want to look - FRANK! PRETTY! - but at the same time, he and lovely girlfriend are RIGHT THERE behind me, so I don't want to look TOO lingeringly, so I glance over at the girls in front of me in line. They were all absolutely goggling at me. Their expressions, almost every one of them, were this emoticon: O_O. One girl stands up, motions at Frank, and softly says "Is that...??" I just shrugged and said, "I guess he has to wait in line, too!"So they're conversing still behind me, and Jamia is sidekick-ing, and I figure out that hey! if I pretend to be taking a video of the whole convention around me, I can catch Frank and Jamia in there too and at least have SOMETHING to show for how awesome this thing is! So I did, I took about 25 seconds of video that features the back of Frank's head and the tattoos on his left elbow prominently, but really isn't that exciting. Youtubed here, if you want to see it.Suddenly, the line started moving a little; no Gerard out at the signing counter yet, so I assume some booth official told the others that it would be starting soon - I was too busy being all FRANK!! to notice.

God, I'm a creep. = I even caught a glimpse of one of the love-handle tats Frank has now, the script that says "seek and destroy", in this gap between his pants and his shirt, and on the one hand I'm all *meep* because I'm HUMAN and he's HOT, but on the other I'm all *grossed out at self*, even though it was on accident. Creep.BUT I'M A HAPPY CREEP! =D Especially after we moved in line - Frank and Jamia were continuing the conversation from before, and while TOTALLY NOT OVERHEARING THEM I heard that one of the two artists who worked on the comic with Gerard (I'm almost certain Frank mentioned that it was the guy who did the covers for the comic, so this would be James Jean) also did the cover art for the brand new My Chem album (!!!!), that Frank hadn't yet shown Jamia the album cover art yet (and he's all *enthusiastic face* "Holy shit, it's AMAZING!"), and that he had a picture of it on his Sidekick which he proceeded to show her at such an angle that the screen was facing away from me, so I saw their faces as they reacted to it but I couldn't catch a glimpse of what it looked like. And it's a testament to how surreal the whole thing was that I'm only now realizing the magnitude of that whole last bit. Holy shit.

You heard it here first, I guess!!Also, those two are most offically the cutest couple in the universe. After showing off the album cover and giggling like a kid on Christmas, Frank wanted his camera out of Jamia's bag, and he's like "Where's my camera, babe? Oh, that's right - UNDER ALL YOUR CRAP." And she's all "Fuck you!" and they're both grinning at each other and laughing, then he gets the camera out and goes "Here, let me carry this for a while..." and tugs on her tote bag's handle, and she ignores him completely and puts it back on her shoulder, and he goes "...or just freeze me out. Fine. It's cool." and proceeds to pull her close and take a myspace-style arm's-length picture of the two of them being goofy with his newly-excavated camera, then when another girl in line offers to take a picture of the two of them together he's all "sure!" and they end up with this picture wherein she's looking witheringly at him, and he's looking at her like he's expecting to get smacked any second while attempting to stick his finger up her nose, then when she wants to see it, he's all "NOOO, YOU'LL DELETE IT!" and she's all 'No I won't!" and they tussle for the camera...And I died of cute, like, a paragraph ago.

Seriously, I respect the guys in My Chem for a multitude of different reasons, and one of those reasons is their fantastic taste in women (at least, in the examples we've been given - sharp as tacks, the lot of them, and full-figured, individualistic, and all around pretty hot). Props, Frankie. =)Just when things can't get any more alright in the land of Laura, over the heads of the other people in line I catch sight of a very familiar poofy head of hair walking through the Dark Horse booth. Yeah, RAY'S THERE, TOO. In a moment of temporary insanity, I go "Are ALL of you here?" aimed vaguely at Frank, and he just snickers and doesn't answer. He's too busy taking pictures of RAY (and his girlfriend, I think) GETTING IN THE END OF THE LINE FOR GERARD'S SIGNING to answer me. Toro didn't stick around, though - a few minutes of waiting, and he bugged out to go off exploring, I think (my view was blocked by this big display thing, I didn't see him go, just heard Frank going, "Aw, he's leaving? Pshhh, whatever.")So right after this, I think, I asked Frank the one question I could think of that I didn't already know the answer to (some kid had asked "are you guys writing another album?" a bit earlier, and Frank had been very sweet and informative while the rest of us in the viscinity rolled our eyes)

L: So, are you guys sick of SoCal yet?
F: Well, we've mostly been in LA recording the new album, so we're just REALLY sick of LA.
L: Yeah, I'm sure - I guess it's a little different down here.I don't remember if he said anything else; I was already back to pretending not to pay attention (AND FAILING PRETTY MISERABLY).ETA: So marigolde's comment just reminded me - an offical person came out and made some announcement about the wristbands right before the signing was due to start (although he must not have cared too much - I couldn't hear a word he was saying other than catching 'wristbands' somewhere in there). I turned to Frank and said something kind of jokingly, like "Oh, hope they don't see you guys!" Frank looks around mock-furtively, then turns to Jamia and starts turning down the sleeves of her hoodie going, "Quick! Hide your wrists, honey!" and I chuckled on the outside and DIED OF CUTE on the inside. Yay rememebering stuff! /ETAThen the artists took their stations, and the signing began. Best part? Frank and Jamia putting on fake high-pitched fangirl voices and squealing "Yay, Gerard!" Then Gerard looks over, and instead of rolling his eyes or acting at all *man, what is my bandmate doing?*, he just locks eyes with Frankie and smiles. Just grins his head off.

It's just occurred to me (again, at the time, not really processing on all burners) that this signing thing would've been a pretty huge deal for Gerard. I mean, once upon a time, his career goal was to work as a comic book artist! He doesn't exactly get the time in and around the band's comings and goings to do his own artwork on this thing, but he wrote a comic book, and it's being published! Dream is become reality! Maybe that's why Frank made a point of waiting in line so patiently for Gerard's autograph yesterday - because this wasn't anything to do with them being in a rock band together (despite it being said rock band's infamy that allowed Gerard to get his comic made in the first place, as he himself admits in LOTMS). This was a huge achievement for Gee, and maybe Frankie wanted to be a part of this very first official premiere in as formal a way as possible - as Gerard's fan for a change, and as his friend, rather than as a part of their band. Just a thought. =D

Late nights and sleep depravation get me pretty philosophical sometimes. Maybe I'm wrong, and he was smiling with bittersweet gay angst because Frankie's so happy with his girl and Gerard can't ever be with him... wait, what?

Anyway... finally, FINALLY, I made it to the signing counter they'd set up. There was a stack of Umbrella Academy cards, about 5" x 8 1/2" in size, for the guys at the table to sign - the book's artist and cover artist were there as well as Gerard (who was last at the table), looking as though they knew full-well who pretty much everyone in line was there to see. They were nice, though; Gabriel Ba asked my name for the card, and heard "Lauren" when I said it first, then when I corrected him he smiled and said, "Oh, that's easier." I replied, "Yeah, less letters. More efficient." Frank and Jamia took cards, too, and got them signed right along behind me. So I hand my card to Gerard...

Gerard: Hi!
Laura: Hi there!
G: What's your name?
L: *meep* Laura.
G: Alright. *signs*
L: *feels impulsive* ...so this dude, in line behind me... 's been pretty belligerant.
G and FRANK: *laugh* *grin at one another*
L: Anyway, thank you for this!
G: Hey, thank you!And I walk out of the way, and THE CUTE COMMENCES.

Frankie presses up as close over the counter as he can, and Gerard leans forward, and they crowd their faces as close together as they can and get one myspace-style picture with Frank sticking his tongue out and Gerard just grinning fit to burst, then they break apart and laugh, Gerard greets Jamia, Frank keeps taking myspace pics so that Gerard will be in the picture behind him, then he shows something to Gerard and they laugh, then one more picture pressed cheek-to-cheek and making adorable faces, then they take their leave and walk towards me. In this interlude of AWESOME I scrape together enough presence of mind to grap a pen from my dayplanner and as Frank and Jamia walked past I said...

L: Um, hey... could you maybe sign this as well?
F: Ohhh, I don't want to ruin it! *moment of indecision* Alright, I'll sign the back... but don't let them see, don't let them see!And he signs the otherwise blank back of the card, and I can't believe it took me until ten seconds ago to realize and care that Frank touched my pen. On the other hand, that kind of gratifies me a lot. I'm not that fan! I'm glad that still holds true. Anyway, he signs my card and hands it back with my pen, and I go, "Thanks for, um, standing in line behind me!" and he smiles and saunters off onto the convention floor with Jamia.

So, I believe the art on the card is something that will appear as part of a cover, perhaps? It doesn't really strike me as pannel-to-pannel artwork, so I'm thinking that if that's the case... then there's a sort of fifty-fifty chance that this dude's art will appear on My Chem's next album cover. Anyone else's theories and/or comments on the matter are much appreciated.This was my one shot of Gerared signing the above card.And a few crappy, mid-action shots of The Cute mentioned above in progress.This is a bit sideways and upside-down, as well as useless to anyone but me, really, but it's the way Frank's signature is oriented on the card if you turn it over.And, the final twist of lime on top of a super-awesome dacqueri of a day, as I'm walking through a crushing crowd of people (these happen a lot on the convention floor at Con) next to the Mile High Comics booth, Mikey comes pushing through the crowd in the opposite direction, forging a path and leading Alicia by the hand in his wake, and passes by right next to me, literally about an inch away from me, and looking at me in vaguest recognition as he did so.I waited until I had gotten past him to start cracking up.

Really, really awesome day. My conversations with the MCR dudes were superficial and silly, granted, which ordinarily I wouldn't really say is ideal, but in the middle of the biggest gathering of nerds on the west coast with enough people dressed up as characters from the anime series Naruto to win against the 501st Legion of Stormtroopers (the Star Wars Imperial cosplaying guild) in a pitched battle, there was no way I'd have felt comfortable saying the things I'd really like to say to these guys someday. I can only sort of hope that in the course of those blips of conversation, instead of hearing me say "Thank you for standing in line behind me" or "Thanks for talking to me", that what they really heard (Princess Bride style) was just plain "Thank you." I've been waiting for over a year now to say that to this band, and if you look at the big picture here, my one important wish came true - and that, my friends, is a very nice thought, indeed. I do feel bad in retrospect that myself and others being all "MCRYAY" was probably undoubtedly undercutting the comic's big unveiling announcement, this big creative milestone for Gerard that hasn't much at all to do with his band we all love. Really, though, I can't say I feel ALL THAT bad. ;)For those of you who don't care for the above, I give you... And as they start their day the Starbucks way, so must I end my own. Not so much x-posted as intended to be mentioned in yeahchemical and damnyouwentz. Sorry!

HOW CAN ANYONE NOT BE JEALOUS???? ARRRGHHH!!!!! Frank, his GF, (Jamia), and Gerard are such COOL people. It's hard to belive they were social rejects once. O yea Beyonce too. Karma, I guess.

Alicia, Mikey's wife, seems a LIL attitude-ish. Urgh. so irritating. I think Mikey deserves MUCH better. I would so love to dedicate GIRLFRIEND to him.

She's like, so WHATEVER
You can do SO MUCH better
I think we should get together now...

HEY HEY YOU YOU!
I don't like ur girlfriend
NO WAY NO WAY
I think you need a new one

HAHAHAH. Fantasies. A girl can dream, can't she?

I HATE MYSELF

2007-05-20T23:37:00.000-07:00

God I hate myself.

Fine. You ppl say that I've only grown morbid this year, but in fact I've always been.

I'm a drama queen. I can be who I want to be. I go through phases. I used to go through a tomboy phase, a bitchy phase (it's not really a phase...haha), a smart phase (yes, I can be smart if I want to-that's why I don't really care much about my future exams), a dumb phase, and....uh.... others. Look. I'm just a girl trying to see where I stand. Where I belong. But sometimes, I try to be someone else, try too hard, in fact, just so someone will like me. I have to apologise. I wasn't myself last year. That's why all of you liked me. But I hated myself. Which is more important? You liking me, or me liking myself?

Don't be so selfish. I am who I am. I act differently around different people. It's just my way of staying on the social ladder. That's why I hate myself. I act every single day, I put on a fake smile every day, just to be accepted. IT SUCKS. I really appreciate the ppl who read my blog. It shows that they care. It tells me that they care enough to find out more about me. It shows that they are comfortable and open-minded about the things I say. For the rest...haha. HAH. Improve yourselves. Maybe you don't have time to read my blog. But as long as you have the heart, then you're cool.

I'd like to say I'm street-smart. I can survive on my own. Unlike most of you. Travelling in cliques and whatnot. I mean, if you do it out of friendship, then yeah. That's fine. But if you do it to feel important... then FUCK OUT.

I don't feel good about myself. I HATE MYSELF. I HATE THAT FUCKING PERSON I SEE THE MOMENT I WAKE UP AND LOOK IN THE MIRROR.

Is it because of TKGS? Is it?

Or is it just me?

Maybe it's me. There are so many ppl trying to pull me down this year...so many...

I'M JUST AFRAID I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.

If you love me, kill me.

Get this over and done with.

ITS TRUE. WE're ALL a LITTLE INSANE.

2007-05-17T00:50:00.000-07:00

I just bought a HUGE MCR poster. HUGE. Frank iero's eyes are nice, SIAW EE!!!!

I have accomplished a major feat. She's not talking to me. I don't know why. I keep apologising, but she's damn sensitive. Finally I thought that you know, FINE. If everything I say is wrong, I'd rather not say anything. I do vent my anger, but I keep a lot inside. She has hurt me a lot, but because she has been blessed with better social skills than me, she was able to make and keep more friends. plus I don't really tell her she has hurt me.HAHAHAHHA. Anyway...so I was like, I don't care if I mess up my life. I don't have as much friends as you. SO WHAT??? please. If you want revenge, think of a better way, can?? That way I can enjoy my life better. You are so BORING. I don't like BORING ppl. You used to be so fun. But now you're such a miss goody two shoes. so irritating.

I admit, I DO have an obsession wih revenge. I was never like this. When I was young, I was such a boring girl. I was so PERFECT. Top in class, class leader, top actress...and all achieved before I turned 8. I guess I felt popular then. But then, in primary three, my friends turned against me. (In the end, I found out that they overheard an untrue rumour that I was bitching on them) For ONE WHOLE year, they ignored me. I had recess in the toilet, I sat alone during class, I always got scolded during class coz I'm not paying attention. I was the social reject, coz my friends were pretty popular. I was the dud of the class. Primary three. I felt as though my lips were permanently sealed during that time. I was so quiet. I was the invisible kid. at the end of the year, my friends made up with me. I said it's fine, but in that one year, I grew up faster than most of my classmates. Coz when I was alone, I would spend time in the library, crying into a book at the back, and basically learning a lot of facts about the sufferings of the world. I was very morbid. But I didn't show it.

So I guess at this point I was already interested in dark stuff. Mainly coz I was alone all the time in primary three. But there are other factors...I shall try to mention a few here...

When I was about...nursery I guess.... I had my...2nd or 3rd birthday party in PAP. I was so psyched about it, they were all singing songs and eating my cake. It was one of the best parties I've ever had. My parents were there for a while. Then they left, abruptly. I didn't know why. I tried asking them but they never answered. so my birthday turned into a swimming pool coz I was crying for my parents. I told guys that I lived with my grandma for the first 5 years of my life, so seeing my parents was a luxury. I am still sad about that.

Another incident took place when I was in kindergarten. I was at home then, and my room had a small TV and it was facing the window. At night, I used to sleep with the door locked. So, one fateful night, I went to sleep. At approximately 3 am (I always look at the time when I wake up in the middle of the night), I woke up and saw the tv switching on and off. I saw news flashing-blood, death, gore. It turned off and on by itself. I was kinda freaked. But something else happened. At my window, I saw something red and black-something like a revived corpse, but it had horns and a huge mouth full of sharp teeth. It was laughing and it's rotted hands tried to reach through the window to grab me. I couldn't take it anymore. I tried to run, but my legs felt heavy like never before. Eventually I gathered courage and unlocked the door, ran out.

That incident shook me so much, up till this day. IT'S NOT A DREAM. It was real. I wanna tell you one more before I go...

I used to have this doll that I absolutely loved. It was so sweet. I slept with it. But one day, as I was sleeping, my parents (I slept with my parents now coz I was so scared of my room) heard the doll crying out. Mama...mama....come with me....it was saying. My parents were so freaked they through the doll out of the window. In the morning, they told me that the doll was trying to wake me up. It was so scary, and my parents figured something wasn't right about me.

They called in a malay priest, an uztad, to bless my room. He went into my room and started throwing holy water around. It lasted for an hour, where he supposedly communicated with a 'penunggu'(means 'awaiting' in malay) spirit. After that, he came out and started blessing me. uhh..... I was like, huh??? Then he gave me holy water to drink. I drank that holy water for one whole year (uztad's orders). The uztad told me that there is a spirit that resides in my room. It is harmless, he said. He blessed me coz I'm supposedly the only person who can communicate with it. a penunggu spirit. An awaiting spirit. Waiting for what? me?

I guess that was true. I seem to be the only one who can hear it's footsteps in the middle of the night, the only person who sees it's long, flowing, hair and white gown. Sometimes she gives me support when I need it, like when my grandpa died. I remember that time when I was so stressed and so sad coz my friends ditched me, and suddenly I saw a tray of warm vanilla milk appear out of nowhere (my fav). I was scared coz I heard stories of where ppl accept food from spirits and become possesed by them. While I was feeling scared, the tray suddenly disappeared. It's scary. Then when I got a new handphone, this happened last year, I always switch it off at night and put it under my pillow. I haven't taken much pictures yet. Then in the morning, I checked my pics for fun. Then, in 'downloaded images', I saw a pic of this young gal. Not me. Scary huh?

Babadada.

2007-05-15T18:53:00.000-07:00

BOO. I just watched spiderman 3. OMG tobey maguire looked so HOT please. I mean, with the fringe down. An the eyeshadow looked great on him. SO MCR. See? Revenge makes you look hot. hahahaha

OKAY. I am going to tell you guys sbout some things that I just LOVE.
(In order)

1. Seeing Gerard Way in a tux. (It makes all the girls go CRAZEE) He looks hot, ok???
2. Watching Gerard Way speak, then forget what he was talking about. ~~And wipe off the drool~~
3. Listening to Gerard laugh. IT MAKES ME LAUGH TOO!!! His laugh is so effing cute. i bet you're laughing now. HAH!
4. Looking at Gerard reading books. He's such a learned man.
5. Listening to MCR music. BABABABABABABA.
6. Watching Tobey Maguire do his 'emo flipping fringe thing'. flips fringe as well.

Oh yeah. yesterday Gerard was like, Hanis. And I'm like, what? Then he told me that I must remain straight for the rest of my life. And I'm like. Aren't I already straight? Then he said yeah. But I must REMAIN straight. And I said, I have no intention of being a les. And he said good. coz if I were, I wouldn't love him any longer. AWWWW!!! so sweet can? then I hugged him. and messed up his hair. He told me he wanted to grow his hair long again. YEA!!

So...morale of the story. For me. Is. "As long as there are guys as hot as Johnny Depp, Gerard Way, and Mike Shinoda, I will remain straight."

I KNOW!!! I'm so despo please. I go after guys that have less than 0% chance of meeting me. Nvm. A girl can dream, can't they? "all girls are princesses." BOO YA!!

I don't know what to type about. Oh yeah. that time the crothers said that (in a joking manner) my mom needs family therapy. Yes please. Cure her mind.

I am CURRENTLY crawling through super cute pictures of gerard. And I just realized that his fans are just as crazy as me!! read on. Here's the link: http://millieann282000.buzznet.com/user/photos/?id=4310864. This is what they said:

mikeywayturnthatoff: 02/10/2007 4:29 PM
Owe, is he in pain ?!??!?!!??! NOOO save him, SAVE HIM !

mcrgirl90: 02/10/2007 5:02 PM
poor gee! i love u!!!!!

asingledream: 02/10/2007 6:18 PM
2 months, 2 weeks, 3 days.... seems like forever away. Great pic.

mikeywayturnthatoff: 02/10/2007 6:31 PM
oh okay..*runs over and hugs for dear life*'yells' :C'mon people GPOUP HUG

geewaystalker: 02/10/2007 6:35 PM
*runs over, hugs gee* lmao

mikeywayturnthatoff: 02/10/2007 6:36 PM
WE NEED MORE PEOPLE *calls all the MCRmySoldiers*

mikeywayturnthatoff: 02/10/2007 6:45 PM
Amagaad,, he's gonna cry. Quick, we need a hankechief...a black one, with laces.

asingledream: 02/10/2007 6:46 PM
What he -really- wants is a vanilla soy latte and a cookie. That expression says, "They made me do soundcheck uncaffeinated!!"

mikeywayturnthatoff: 02/10/2007 6:49 PM
where's the nearest Starbucks? And, for crying out loud, someone give that man a sigarette lol

totheend4977: 02/10/2007 7:47 PM
asingledream said:What he -really- wants is a vanilla soy latte and a cookie. That expression says, "They made me do soundcheck uncaffeinated!!"AHAHAHAHAHAH Poor Gee! Those cruel people, making him do soundcheck with no starbucks in his veins!

mcrpandagal889: 02/10/2007 7:55 PM
* hugs gee* and you can see bob

mcrpandagal889: 02/10/2007 7:56 PM
he is trying to quite smoken hun

millieann282000: 02/10/2007 8:05 PM
mcrpandagal889 said:he is trying to quite smoken hunUm, not really. Eventually, yes but probably not anytime soon. He said so in a very recent interview.

mcrpandagal889: 02/10/2007 8:18 PM
ya but i is trying

asingledream: 02/10/2007 8:30 PM
Yeah, he and Bob said they were smoking just after midnight in Times Square and they made eye contact and basically said, "aaww man.." You can't be upset with them though, it's a tough habit to kick.

fucknut: 02/11/2007 4:02 AM
the mcrmysoldiers are here! *runs over to gee and hands him a ciggarette and starbucks latt誠 ph ew..! grouphoug everyone!

mikeywayturnthatoff: 02/11/2007 4:13 AM
yay finally the soldies are here! ! HURRAY ! And if he wants a cig, he's gonna get it. HMPF

mikeywayturnthatoff: 02/11/2007 4:14 AM
BTW,,,*passes Gee a cookie, (seing as I am the COOKIE CONTROLLER)

gerardwaysgirl: 02/11/2007 11:43 AM
HE IS NOT IN PAIN HE IS SINGING HIS GUTS OUT BUT I JOIN YOUR HUG ATTAC ANYWAY:::LOL

Ah. How comforting it is to see that there are crazy people like me. Or as Gee puts it, 'the broken, beaten and the damned.'

Um yeah. Yesterday a couple of ppl made an offer to me. For me to transfer out of TKGS.

GERARD HELP ME WITH THIS DECISION.

bye. gerard looks so CUTE!!!

2007-05-08T18:16:00.000-07:00

Hey guys!!!

It's been a while since I'd posted...and I want to thank all of you ppl for making my day!!!

I LOVE my new skin. Seriously.Pirates of the caribbean opens on 24th May...MY B'DAE! My dad has promised to bring me to the screens that day. If there are tickets left.

Erm...I've fallen in love with Evanescence: Sweet Sacrifice and Linkin Park: What I've Done. Especially Sweet Sacrifice. I love this phrase from the song:

"I dream in the darkness; I sleep to die; Erase the silence; Erase my life."

Nice, huh? Oh yeah, and I have promised not to bitch about her anymore. i think most of you know who i'm talking about. She's just not worth my time. Although keeping quiet is proving more difficult than ever. It's the kind of time when a girl needs her friends' support. Sharon is really sweet. We may have our run-ins every now and then, but I think it makes our friendship stronger. We each have our ego and we protect it. I'm not the kind of girl who would say sorry for a major thing. I'm very proud. It's called a weakness. Everyone has their own.

But at a last attempt, I would like to dedicate a song to the person who has made me suffer in silence.

"One day, I'm gonna forget your name;
One sweet day, you're gonna drown in my lost pain;
You poor, sweet ~~innocent~~ thing;
Dry your eyes, and testify;
You know you live to break me; don't deny;
Sweet Sacrifice
Fear is only in our minds, taking over all the time;
Fear is only in our minds but is taking over all the time;
You poor sweet ~~innocent~~ thing;
Dry your eyes, and testify;
And oh, you love to hate me, don't you, honey?
I'm your sacrifice
(I dream in the darkness;
I sleep to die;
Erase the silence; Erase my life)
Do you wonder why you hate?
Are you still too weak to survive your mistakes?
You poor, sweet ~~innocent~~ thing;
Dry your eyes, and testify;
You know you live to break me; Don't deny,
Sweet Sacrifice."

Ah. I feel so much better now.

Check out their vid. It's mind-blowing.

I had this dream a few days back. I lived in a mansion with my family and all. Then, one day, one by one, all of them mysteriously died. I was pretty spooked. But I didn't feel sad. so I called up a couple of friends. HAha. I think someone said that it was a witch or ghost, someone who had suffered in their life and was now seeking revenge. And she needed one more victim -- me. So me and the class prepared to fight this witch/ghost, and then she appeared. She looked vaguely familiar to me, but I couldn't really see her because I was shielded by Jacqueline, Kristen and a few others. They were protecting me! Aww. Clarissa, Zi Ying, ~~Siaw ee mysteriously disappeared~~ and lots more. They had spears and everything. But the witch was laughing and was invincible.

Soon, those protecting me had to desert me to fight the witch. But as I came into close contact with the raging fight, I came to realize that I had to fight her myself. (Hero moment here-dramatic music please!) So I took a really sharp pen, (a pen?) and stabbed her back. The blue ink, combined with the redness of her blood, made a messy purple pool on the cement floor. And as she turned around in shock, I stumbled back. The witch I had killed--it was ME!! I had killed myself. Then I woke up.

But as I sat up in my bed, at 4 am in the morning, I began to put the pieces of my dream together. The witch had represented the fears and wrongdoings in my life, my obsession with revenge, and my obsession with ppl who have made me angry.It had claimed lives...which meant that it has afffected the way ppl look at me now. So I thought about those who have protected me. Those who have fought for my sake. It then dawned on me. It was my mind's subconcious way of telling me that yes, I do have friends that look after me and still care for me. I'm not alone.

And it was the first time I actually got something good out of a nightmare. It was also the first time I could go back to sleep after a dream like that.

I LOVE ALL YOU GUYS!!!!!! And yeah, gerard was right about something--- Clarissa has turned out to be a significant person in my life. (Haha shall not tell her how) YEAH GERARD!!!! LOVE YOU TOO!!!

Bye then. Comrades. XD

2007-05-01T18:42:00.000-07:00

It's been a long long TIME coz of the CA week...

Oh yea Gerard helped me get an A for my Geography. YAY!!! I'm on my (way) to getting an MCR jacket and bag...whatnot...

PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN: AT WORLD'S END opens in cinemas on 24th MAY. MY BIRTHDAY!! Yea me!! JOhnny Depp is so hot...gawsh...smiles

Watching Spiderman 3 after my parents' examinations. Which is...this and next week... oh no.... long wait.... OMIGOSh yea I wanna tell you guys about this weird dream I had yesterday.

Okay.. I somehow managed to tour with My Chemical Romance for some reason, and we were at Singapore, and MyChem were scheduled to play at this two storey studio. (which looked a lot like our studio, except bigger) and we were getting all hyped up for the concert, and were slapping hands.

But then. Gerard suddenly lost all interest in the concert, so I went outside and saw alll MCR fans outside. I asked them how long they've been waiting, and they said 5 or 2 hours. So I told Gerard, but he told me to get out. I was so pissed and hurt. So I went out of the studio, in my MCR costume and all.

Ah. But after a while I began to get a really bad feeling. Like, seriously bad. The studio was connected to the hospital (coz I was there just yesterday) and I spent like, a lot of time trying to find out which floor the studio was on.

finally, an old grandma told me where, (2nd floor) and I raced across it. There were two studio doors. One of them opened to this HUGE library. Nope. Not the one. The other door. Oops. Had a security guard. But this was what I said in my desperation:

Me:"Um...I really need to get in..."
SG: " Why?"
Me: "Coz...I'm one of the dancers in the concert."
(Obviously this guy was clueless about MCR)
SG:"Alright then. Make sure you stay inside."

So he tries to open it, but can't. the handles inside were glued together. It's those kind of two-storey transparent glass doors, and I could see Gerard and Mikey on the second floor. They were talking to some fans. Gerard was crazy. he was practically strangling the poor girl. When he saw me , he mouthed "sorry." But suddenly, there was this HUGE crash.

I saw Mikey falling through the flimsy flooring of the second floor. He was gonna get seriously injured. In some kind of adrenaline rush, I screamed "MIKEY!!!!" and miraculously kicked open the door. I dived in to break his fall, but his head hit the cement with a loud CRACk. I managed to save his spine from damage though. All the fans were crying and were ushered out by the guards. Gerard came down, crying, and telling Mikey to hold on.

He made it. thank god. If I hadn't saved him, he would have been permanently paralyzed. He just had his head bandaged. Gerard hugged me, tears and all, and whispered his thanks. I then received the privilege of singing 'Sweet Sacrifice' with Gerard and the rest of the band. alone in the studio. It was magical.

The time came for them to leave. So there I was, in my dark red velvet...very morbid MyChem dress, waving goodbye to the band members, who rode away in a mini white van. Which was graffitied by them. I thought they were just gonna leave me like that, but then I saw Gerard's face peeking through the windows. And he was smiling. Which reminded me of something he once said:

"I don't think this band will ever start feeling light or good. But when the natural time comes, it should die."

True but sad. Very sad. And I woke up at 4 am in the morning to the sound of the howling, vicious wind.

Shhh. Sometimes I can still hear my screams ringing through the corridor... "Mikey."

2007-04-27T03:51:00.000-07:00

Feeling very sad today. I heard a lot of weird stories and the crothers made half of us cry today.

I amazingly didn't cry. Uh. I didn't feel a need too. Last week I almost did coz she was hitting on

me like, so badly. But I didn't. So yeah. I was reading this article about the Africans and their

AIDS problem, and another story about the Irans and Afghanistans who are misunderstood and

looked down upon by the world. All these poor people..... or as Gerard calls it: "The Broken, the

Beaten and the Damned" I think it's a really sad fact that a lot of ppl look down on Islam...why?

I mean, we didn't do anything to your religion, we aren't racist, so let us do what we wanna do

and we will respect you and your religion. DUH. I would like to marry an Arab man one day. I'm

not very religious myself and maybe getting tied down to my Islam roots will help me become a

better person. Besides, Arab men are pretty HOT. haha. Then I would like to live in the

mountains, away from civilisation and distraction, away from prejudice. And I would die alone.

But before getting married or whatsoever, I would like to fulfill my dreams of going to

Afghanistan, Iran or anyplace in the world that need help. I already fulfilled one dream this year

when I went to Indonesia to help the orphans there. OMG you wouldn't believe how patient

these orphans were. 10 of them lived in a place HALF the size of our classrooms. I was so sad.

Thank GOD I did something to help them. But I still feel very horrible because the place is run

by this old malay woman...something like the modern-day Mother Theresa. What if she dies?

Won't that be sad? Who will look after the children? she was such an enlightened woman...and

smiles even on the darkest days. I feel emotional just thinking about them. The greatest pain

and suffering anyone can feel...is to endure another's. That's one of the reasons why Islams fast

for one month every year. It is to experience the feeling of one who is starved. And it is also to

test temptation. You would not belive the amount of discipline we have to unleash on ourselves

just so as to not grab and eat something. And it is during this period where I am at my most

saintly. Coz I have no energy...and all normal things I do feels like sin. Bitching would be one of

them. uh-huh.

I really hope I get assigned another volunteer trip...possibly to Afghanistan or Phuket later this

year. This is how important the suffering is to me: If I were to choose between a day with MCR

and a day in Afghanistan, I would choose Afghanistan. That's how important it is to me.

Although I will feel a tiny bit of regret, I know that if MCR knew of what I've done, they would

be proud of me. And besides, I know what prejudice tastes like. I know how it is to suffer. I

really would like to help them, but sometimes certain companies won't take me in coz if they

travel overseas, I'd need to be over 15 yrs old. So thank god that there was a company willing to

enrol me. And I went to Indonesia! WOOHOO!!!!

So as gerard says it, We all have to be the "savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned."

XD

2007-04-24T18:26:00.000-07:00

AH FUCK.

VERY PISSED TODAY.

Firstly, at the CROTHERS. She has this thing with me. Dunnoe why. Actually if I didn't know

better, I'd say she was jealous of me. JEALOUS! Hah. yes. That MUST be the reason.

I haven't done anything wrong to her. So yes. Jealousy.

Secondly, to that wannabe-bitch of a S*******. She tried to roll her eyes at Sharon. Sharon!!

Puleez. Sharon doesn't like her. She tries too hard to fit in. And I don't think she belongs to

2e3. Siaw Ee doesn't like her too. Jasmine doesn't like her. NOONE DOES, BITCH!!

You have a horrible personality and one day, I will expose your scandal. I will. I don't

FUCKING care abt the counsellor. And don't try to OVERPOWER me. COz you can't do that.

HAHAHAHA. U try to be a bitch when you're not. U try to think up of bitchy lines that will

make me cry, but you FAIL UTTERLY. Do u know that all the Dramaians talk abt u behind

ur back? Haha. Ur so-called trying to be a bitch makes us LAUGH. We laugh at ur antics.

U are nothing more than just a freaking PLAYTHING to us. So get LOST.

GET FUCKING LOST.

It ain't a good idea to be my ENEMY. I love everyone else except for YOU and that other girl.

The sudden reason to my violence?? YOU YOU YOU.

FUCKING YOU. I hate you and I wish I'd broken you further last yr and I regret signing that

stupid contract. HAHAHAHA

If I don't like u, soon NOONE will. That other girl i can forgive becoz I think she was sincerely

trying to forgive me. But I hate YOU. And soon you will have your taste of KARMA.

A taste of your own medicine. Revenge has never tasted sweeter......

2007-04-23T02:57:00.000-07:00

BREEKO WANTS ME TO UPDATE. SO SHALL UPDATE.

I made a random list of random ppl during Music coz I was bored. Initially I wanted the whole class, but due to time constraints, shall pick some random ppl.

Name Crime Sentence

CLARISSA FOR BEING TOO NICE 10 MONTHS JAIL

YINGBIN FOR SUCH LOVELY HAIR 18 YEARS PROBATION

SIAW EE FOR BEING SIAW EE TO BE JAILED FOREVER

MARIE FOR BEING TOO SMART 9 MONTHS JAIL

JADE FOR BEING TOO NICE 10 MONTHS JAIL

NICOLE FOR BEING SUCH A SMART-ARSE 20 YEARS JAIL

KRISTEN FOR HAVING SUCH A NICE SMILE 10 YEARS PROBATION

SREYASHI CONSPIRACY AND BETRAYAL HANGED AND/OR
LETHAL INJECTION

SARAH WEE CONSPIRACY AND BETRAYAL HANGED AND/OR
LETHAL INJECTION

REALLY SOME RANDOM PPL.

If ur name's not here, tell me bout it and I shall think of gruesome crimes for ya. XD. Haha bye then.

OMFG

2007-04-21T06:43:00.000-07:00

Today as I was coming back from religious class, I witnessed a motorcycle accident. There were these two girls who were ridin' and suddenly lost control of the thing. I came out of the car and started helping them. The BLOOD... BLOOD...

I was standin' in a pool of blood and giving them tissues. Their faces were MANGLED and streaked with blood. Shall update more later coz my mom's home. SHIT. Horrifyingly injured.

BLOOD. BLOOD....

P.S: Thanks Jade for the blogskin!!!!!!!

BLOODNESS.

NEW BLOGSKIN

2007-04-17T18:57:00.000-07:00

Okay...new blogskin. Heheh. I'm super fickle minded. So be prepared for me to change my blogskin to change possibly every month.

Listening to Candyman right now. He's a one-stop shot, making my uh hot.. haha. Nicole started this pick-up line thing. poor dear. ALL OF YOU MUST TAG!!! Okay? Okay she's screaming in my ear..not nicole. Christina Aguilera. Wow her vocals are powerful.

My Chemical Romance are the best band ever please..!!! Hm..the music has changed to Beautiful Liars. Beyonce and Shakira. I like Shakira. That was random. Gerard is hot!! You're such a beautiful liar. I wanna show you guys gerard's amazing talent for drawing!! One day shall print out pictures of his drawings. It's so moving. So peaceful yet with sadness.

Let's not kill the karma....Let's not start a fight...it's not worth the drama... for a beautiful liar...

LET US ALL BLEED OUR SORROWS TOGETHER

LET US ALL PAINT OUR HATE ON THE WALLS

LET US ALL PREPARE THE EARTH FOR US

LET US ALL DIE WITH REVENGE ON OUR LIPS.

Gerard asked me to write it. It didn't come from me. Oh yeah...yesterday's nightmare...

OH MY GOD. SUPER FREAKY.

I dreamt that me, my mom and dad were driving and then we were suddenly stopped by something supernatural. I was reciting all sorts of prayers and was super afraid. The person in front looked like a young boy. But when he turned around, I saw green eyes and fangs dripping with blood. Then suddenly hundreds of them appeared. They opened the door to my car and started to drag me away. I was so frightened. I woke up surrounded by darkness.

I was so scared I jumped at my own shadow.

LET US ALL BE AFRAID OF THE REFLECTION IN OUR MIRROR.

I couldn't look in the mirror coz I kept seeing those hideous things from my nightmares...Everything. The young boys...the horrible place...horror of all horrors.

AMANDA IS CHECKING MY BLOG OUT RIGHT NOW.

XD yay she's tagging!!

ANGRY? HAPPY?...which one??

2007-04-17T03:04:00.000-07:00

Erh...it's rainin right now and I'm kinda like home alone. Listening to Pink right now. Okae...it's changed to MCR's demolition lovers. hah the lyrics are my blogskin. XD. can ya'll tag please?? Thx.
I'd end my days with you in a hail of bullets... aww. This song was about Gerard's then girlfriend. It makes me sad coz it makes me think of long and winding paths through a desert... (as snow falls on desert sky) and a guy in the middle who can't find his way home.

I just saw this picture while crawling thru gerard's pics... andI stumbled upon a picture... it was a picture of a guy sitting on a log, his hands running through his hair, a misty forest in the background, and water below. I was so enthralled by it, I stared at it for 1/2 an hour. Then I scrolled down and realized that this moving picture was drawn by Gerard Way. I was like, OMG. This picture ws so COOL. Then I studied the pic more carefully. The guy...he looked like Gerard when he was younger, with neck-length black hair. I saw what lay in the water. Monsters...creatures... of what haunted him. Me and Gerard share the same passion in drawing.
O yea today during Maths I fell asleep. Then I had a disturbing dream, which was quite...disturbing. If you saw me, I was breathing kinda heavily. My head was aching beacause I was breathing too much. Try it. try taking breaths in short gasps. Yeah that's how I felt. i dreamt that I was being drowned. I saw blue...blue...everywhere. I didn't feel fear tho. Darkness surrounded me. Suffocating... I've never felt afraid of darkness. My mom used to be worried abt me when i was young coz I never liked to switch on lights. i slept in darkness, moved in darkness. My mom called me 'abnormal' coz most kids at 6 would naturally be afraid of the dark. Now my mom like, scolds me whenever I don't switch on lights wherever I go. Ask siaw ee. i don't like lights on. HAHAHAHA. That time i would study in darkness, illuminated only by my handphone light or something. I LOVED to study with a flashlight. HAHAHA.

So after Maths, i woke up and saw gerard standing at the door. jade was trying to catch my attention. XD. he was asking me to come outside, so i did. And saw the counsellor. OH NO I forgot there was sex ed. Shit.

Oh yeah...feeling kinda strange right now. My mom and dad just had a fight. I'm not close to my mom. Duh. Would you if you've been dumped at your grandma's place for the first 5 years of your life?? Well. I'm kinda used to their stupid silly fights. That time my mom took away my dad's phone coz she tot he was having an affair. So my dad naturally wanted it back. It became a full-fledged fight, my dad began twisting my mom's arm and she was crying. I became so used to their fights already. And I was only p2 or 3. So used that when my mom asked for help, I laughed at her. I just started laughing and pointing at them. Then I took the phone and called my friend to know what homework there was. She asked me why there were screams in the background. I said that there were two dogs outside my house which were fighting. Then started laughing gleefully.

Then there was another fight that took place in the middle of a road. They were fighting in the car, so my dad stopped it and we almost had an accident. We moved into a more deserted space and they got out of the car and started shouting at each other. I was kinda fed up that day, and this was just pushing the limit. So I yelled, at 12 o'clock midnight, in some godforsaken place, "SHUT THE BLOODY HELL UP!!!!!"

Haha. They were stunned for a while. Then they began shouting again. I've had it. So I took my shoes off and hurled it at my mom and dad.Hit my dad, but not mom. Oops. big mistake. But I didn't care. My parents got into the car and started scolding me. Oh so I was the cause. But I remained calm and rebutted something like "Yea. But if you two were out there making bloody fools out of yourselves a responsible person ought to break you up."haha. Finally, fed up with my calmness, my dad told me to SHUT THE HELL UP. i think he wanted to slap me but i moved out of the way. Tears burned behind my lashes but I hid them. So when the car was still moving, I just opened the door and stumbled out. I think they tried to go after me but i ran. Got a taxi, went to the place i called home.

don't get me wrong. My parents love each other. It's just that...they brought me up the wrong way. And my mom practices favoritism. She told my bro in front of me once "Don't grow up to be like ur sister" EEE. I think they pretty much gave up hope on me. So yeah... when my mom had a fight yesterday about something that was quite important, I din't interrupt. But it was hard not to when ur parents are talking about how they don't trust me, and that I wasn't close to them. After that, my mom asked i fI wanted to go and eat out. I felt bitchy, so I said "Who are you?" And left. HAHAHA.

Okay my mom will be here soon. Holds a blade, knife and a pin. But no, not for her.

I GOT A BLOGSKIN!!!!!

2007-04-16T02:57:00.000-07:00

Yes i got a blogskin... it's a tempo one!!!!

It's MCR related....the lyrics are from MCR's song, called Demolition Lovers. I don't really like the space given on the skin, so will be changing it. OH shucks I love JASLYN hahahaha. DEMOLITION LOVERS rock!!!!!!!!

Yes, thank god. I feel contented today.i got a skin!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hanis got a skin!!!!!!!!!!!!!

MIAOW. I think the skin is really classic, like something totally out of this world. Oh yeah...I wanna tell you guys abt some weird dream I had yesterday...

I was at this resort, and it was beautiful...palm trees and white sand. Then the hotel-resort I was in was like, heaven. There was everything I wanted. AHHHH. But it has a special effect to it. The services were more than I bargained for... it was haunted. Not by ghosts, but by the owner's own memories. So when I went in, it was like, flash. flash. Flash Flash. all those little pieces of bad memories came flooding back, and at last I saw blood,...the most recent of my memory. The blood from my wound...as I spelled out on the wall... 'SORRY'

So the scared me, unable to face the past, ran outside only to face another obstacle: climbing a mountain. I had to get to the other side. At first it looked like a relatively easy climb, but the mountain seemed to get steeper each time I took a step. Then, my energy ran out. I was so close to the top...so close, but I started to fall. Into that sheer abyss below. I knew that I would die. But suddenly, something grabbed me and hoisted me up. Strong hands. This has never happened before.

I saw the hands, but not the face. Pale, strong hands. Long fingers. Strength surged thru me. And I survived. I woke up.

Then, when I came home from school today, I change and begin admiring MCR posters and pictures like I always do. I switched on the com in my room,and crawled through my folder to see if there was any left over work to do. Nothing, so I opened a file called MCR stuff. And stumbled upon this picture of Gerard Way, his hands interlocked with each other, the background a misty graveyard, and his eyes a mysterious brown-grey. The caption below:

"I don't think this band will ever start feeling light or good. But when it's the natural time, it should die."

Then. Major dejavu. Like majorly major. I saw the hands before...but where? OH YES. my dream. Those strong hands, pale strong hands. Long fingers. The guy who saved me from that dark abyss below.

GERARD WAY.

WELL. fri the 13th.

2007-04-13T01:42:00.000-07:00

AAAhhhh....the dreaded CA week is now a 2 weeks away.... SHOOT.

I have requested the help from my darling MARIE to tutor me in MATH. She's gonna teach moi on certain THURSDAYS with NICOLE. Wait I'm using a lot of Caps.... ah well. I really need the help to get this concert ticket please!!! If any one of you would like to ~~sacrifice~~ volunteer yourself to tutor me in any subject, I will REALLY APPRECIATE IT!!! Thanks!!

So these are my tutors for Term 2:

Marie - Math

Siaw Ee - Science

Ok I just realized that their names match with the subjects they're teaching. LAME. LAME LAME.

Oh yeah I wanted to tell you guys about this HORRIBLE NIGHTMARE I had last night. I've had this nightmare ever since...Sec 1. But they always crop up in different versions. There was one version where I dreamt that I stopped in front of a friend's house while on my way home, then my friend came out, then she suddenly fastened herself to me and started to kill me. It was SUPER FREAKY, I tell you. And the worst part of the dream was that I could feel the pain. I was screaming in AGONY.

So...yesterday I was in bed, and then I started to familiarize myself with the place. Oh no. I thought. Oh nonononono. I've been here before. There- the palm trees, the bushes, the scary forest, the row of straight houses- the unbelievably fake setup, not unlike the ones you see in a drama theatre, colorful and bright on the outside, but you know when these were taken away, all that will be left is a bare, dull stage. So I was walking, when I decided to turn into a toilet. In the toilet, I found a watch. Then, suddenly, I heard a voice that said "Once the clock reaches 00:00, the world will come to an end." And before I could say or do anything, the clock started, starting from 04:58. I can remember. That was how detailed my nighmares were. So I rushed out of the toilet into a beach, where I found the entire class of 2e3, although the faces were a bit blurred. I shouted at them : "Run for your lives!!! The end of the world is coming!!!!! Repent, regret and love everything!!"

Uh. The class just stared at me. And laughed. I felt like such a fool. I fought back tears and ran back to my family, where we prepared our graves and said some prayers. The time was coming. At that very minute, I saw what our world had come to - everyone outside, running around in bikinis and drinking champagne. Botox, Lipo, implants were ovious from every angle as the girls paraded down looking like similar Barbie (Tm) dolls.

I was so afraid. My heartbeat really accelerated, and it was painful. I could actually FEEL my heart beating loudly, and I told myself that if I don't die soon, I'd die of fear. It was horrible. My heart was so irregular I wondered if I could breathe properly again. Then, the clock ticked: 00:20.

I closed my eyes. And waited.....

I woke up. I was clutching my throat and breathing heavily, my heart beat was REALLY jumping. The time? 4 am. It was as if I just ran over 20 km at night in a graveyard. So yeah, that was how it felt like. My heart is currently beating very fast right now as I type this. There were many more nightmares I have currently visited. I've never slept peacefully since I ws....6 yrs old. But only recently I've started waking up after all these nightmares, and they come in high colour resolution. It's horrible. Sometimes the things that I draw depict what I saw in my sleep. Don't laugh when I say this k? But one of the most horriblest I've ever seen is one of Spongebob Squarepants. I was in his house and was trying to find my way through. And his walls were painted with murals of skeletons, demons and skulls, whatnot. Things jumped at you from every corner.Then I heard a haunting voice. It was Spongebob, in the shower. I ripped open the covers and saw a VAMPIRE SPONGEBOB EATING SOMETHING ALIVE. His eyes were narrow slits with green and red in them,. and he had fangs, which were bloodied with blood. He laughed at me and I was so stunned. it's as if your teddy bear became vicious and vampire-y and started eating your pet or something.

So I ran ran ran away from the place. Whenever I revisit that place, I learned to not to open my eyes and not to open the shower. But his voice was so haunting...so haunting....
It was somthing like this: Na...nanana....nAAA...na...nananana....NAAA.....

Shudders. My heart is beating wildly. Can you hear it??

See? Even I'm disturbed when I'm awake. What about my sleep??? I've never slept so peacefully. So that's why I love MCR so much. There is this song called "Sleep" in MCR's third album, and the first time I heard it, I fell asleep. No nightmares, nothing. Just plain sleep. And it was bliss. I realized how tired I was after the sleep. Gerard Way's voice is so soothing in that song. Guess what? He wrote that song because of the nightmares he experiences, and he also has troubles sleeping! Isn't that cool or what?

Ah well . Friday the thirteenth anyway. I'm getting tired of being afraid to sleep... Awake and unafraid...asleep or dead? MCR - Hero of the Century .

BYE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

+STUFFZ+

2007-04-10T17:58:00.000-07:00

I found myself listening to PussycatDolls for some weird reason. BEEP.

Anyway... Sharon and Jasmine are the two most sweetest GIRLFRIENDS a girl could ever have!!! I am so lucky to be their friend. Sharon's really outgoing and fun, and she's a strong girl who can take my pissed-off days (the days when I'm spouting bad words like poetry and bitching at everyone and everything without meaning to-a lot of ppl keep away from me when I'm in those moods, which is a huge mistake) and she is very open-minded. Jasmine can make me laugh anytime, anywhere, and her antics are so effing funny. Plus she writes super-entertaining leters. Jasmine is very dramatic and she's open-minded too. Thank GOD I'll have these two gals in my class next year..(dep) oh yeah...and natalie too. Ah Natalie enetertains me. HAha if she were to read this entry she'll kill me.

Oh yeah, Drama helps me alot coz we like to bitch. Releases my stress. Bonds us together. It's not like we're bitchy ppl or anything, it's just we Drama ppl speak a language of our own. When we're pissed, it takes a lot of willpower to not scream at the person right in front of us. even if they were our friends or something. Very few un-dramaians can take the rattle and anger from a dramaian. Majority get hurt by our words. When we dramaians get pissed, we say a lot of things we don't mean to.My darlings, that's why we're called actresses. We hide our feelings from the world. Then during Drama, we just shout "I HATE HER!!!" And none of us will ever feel hurt by anything the other person says.

I dunno if you understand what I'm trying to say... But nevermind. I'm not a very good actress. People can read my feelings, then they stay away from me. Which uh.... angers me more. You see, without Drama, I'll have a lot of feelings bottled up in me. I do have a lot of secrets that will probably juice up the papparazzi for centuries, but I...am.....trying....to.....hide...it.....

MAybe I'll tell sharon and Jas one day. They will understand. Actually they have brushed off a layer of me. They have fished me out from my fake facade that I wear most of the time. Um....you want proof??? I'm more myself around Siaw Ee, Sharon and Jasmine. If you don't believe me, try hanging around me when I'm hanging out with them. With Siaw ee, I tend to use a lot of bad words. And we zone out a lot. Like, we'll say really weird stuff. We live in a part-imaginary world. But I belong there. When I'm with Sharon and Jasmine, I am more sincere in what I do. Coz they're my friends and respect my decision. They share a lot of my feelings too, and we don't have to hide anything when we're together.

This time, I promise that I will never lose them. I promise myself that noone will ever betray me again. And remember that time when gerard helped me with my history test and said I'd get between 8 to ten?? (it's one of the earlier blog entries) Guess what? I got 9! Now do you believe that Gerard is very real in my world? I love GEE!!!

OH YEAH...I'm starting a list of ppl I'd like to thank this week:

-AMEERA (long time ago, for the MCR poster)
-SHARON AND JASMINE (for planning a surprise birthday party--which isn't a surprise anymore XD)
-ELIZABETH AND MARIE (for helping me out in my academics)
-DANICA AND JACQUELINE (for entertaining me with their trailer and dramatic characters)
-SHARON AND JASMINE (for the wonderful letters!)
-GERARD WAY (for predicting my marks correctly and helping me achieve it!)
-MY DAD (for offering me a concert ticket and backstage pass for MCR's rumored concert)
-MY DAD (for offering me a concert ticket and backstage pass for MCR's rumored concert)
-MY DAD (for offering me a concert ticket and backstage pass for MCR's rumored concert)
-MY DAD (for offering me a concert ticket and backstage pass for MCR's rumored concert)
-MY DAD (for offering me a concert ticket and backstage pass for MCR's rumored concert)
-MY DAD (for offering me a concert ticket and backstage pass for MCR's rumored concert)

Ok enough.

To end it off, I just had a disturbing dream last night...about this Malay old guy who raped and killed his three daughters. And they were begging me for help. EH??

BYE THEN!!!

It's hard being Hanis.

2007-04-09T05:40:00.001-07:00

I just heard an unconfirmed rumour that MCR will be coming to Singapore. Wow that really is some birthday present from Gerard. I celebrated Gerard's birthday on two days- one on April 8th and 9th, Aaaahh and I can see that Gerard really is happy. I can feel it. And um... someone apparently said that they don't like moi because I am a-and I quote, " wannabe emo'. let me get this straight, yea?

I am not a wannabe emo. I look emo most of the time bacause I don't travel in packs and I move about alone most of the time. I don't have a clique and I don't mind having one, it's just that it's easy for my friends to think I don't want them around because on bus rides, I ignore the friend sitting next to me (unless they really have something interesting to say) and just listen to my MP3. I guess I think a lot about my life, too. And I'm usually in my own imaginary world. So uh...I'm a teacher's enemy.

The only person who really understands this 'spacing out' thing I do is Siaw Ee. (: well DUH. Who else would enjoy making long walking trips with me to Parkway and enjoying the scenery at drains??? And who else would "observe moments of silence" while in the bus? Who else would share the same amount of creativity and imagination as I do?? And heaven help me, who else would sit on the TKGS swings with an MCR poster in front and pretend we are on a Ferris Wheel interviewing MCR???

HAHA. See Siaw ee I really praise you on my blog....you'd better do the same for yours. XD.

It's hard being Hanis. I really am very unpredictable. But there's one thing that you need to know: I don't have feelings. Seriously. I mean, yeah, happy, sad. But compassion? It's never existed in my life. I've never felt sorry for someone. Unless you're starving, dying or poor. ~~Or MCR!!!~~But that's where I draw the line. please don't ever stop being my friend. I really appreciate it, I really do.

It's just that I'm so weird, people just avoid me. But it really is hard being me. You have to understand. I am an Islam in a world full of non-Islamic things and it really is difficult for people to accept me. You have to admit, everyone looks down on Muslims. Maybe not you, but evryone does. There is just so much temptation in this world that sometimes, as a teenage girl, it takes all my willpower to stay away from it. I know in the future that it will be hard for me to get a job, hard for me to create the right first impression on people. somehow people always connect arabs and muslims to the September 11 attacks. Look, killing isn't in our religion. If Saddam Hussein or some other freak murders people and claims they're Islam, forget them. They're not. That's just plain ruthless. Will continue this soon.... but understand my burden. I have to carry the image of Islam and there's such a dreary future for me, it's hard to not just give up the point of living.

Gerard way's birthday...

2007-04-07T20:26:00.000-07:00

AAAHHH!!!!

Tomorrow is Gerard Way's birthday. Sigh... April the 9th. About a month before my birthday. Anyway.... I cut my hair in honor of GERARD and the rest of the band. Oh...and did cha guys know he was crowned Hero Of The Year at some music award ceremony? Yeah. I think he deserves it. He's certainly MY hero!! And My Chemical Romance won Best International Band and Best Band on the Planet. You go guys!!

Oh yeah and I made cute little souveniers for all you people to remind you guys that on Monday is Gerard Way's birthday. You can't really use it, but it sure took a lot of work. Anyway, it's for decoration. Put it under your desks or something. (:

feeling very elated. Tomorrow is Gerard's birthday and he said my hair looks CUTE. I hope he's right. It's super short, and I can barely tie it. WeLL, I wanted to buy a small cake and some helium balloons to be shared among 2e3ians, but my mom said that was too much. Ah. NVM. Yes, I'm feeling happy too because Gerard's comic book, The Umbrella Academy, wiil be coming out this April, and I'd wanna buy it. It's gothic but I saw the illustrations. Its way awesome!! If Wu Zun were to write a comic book I bet you all wanna buy it, right??? I think Wu Zun is cute. See I'm influenced by all you ppl. I somehow found myself going to smsbunny.com looking for pictures of Wu Zun. Hmph.

And their new video, Teenagers, will come out later in April or MAy. Will be waiting.

But in the meantime,... CONGRATS TO MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE and

HAPPY BIRTHDAY GERARD!!!

++Untitled++

2007-04-03T17:58:00.000-07:00

I have this book that's currently with the Siaw Ee, and one of the stories is called 'The Masque Of the Red Death'. It's a great story about how this disease spread about in the country, and no one would come to help you...unless they're carrying the disease too. This is an excerpt from the story: "Blood was it's distinguishing mark-the redness and horror of blood. It's first symptoms were sharp pains and sudden dizziness. Then blood will seep out from the victim's pores, leaving a red mark below the surface of the skin. This meant that they received little or no help from those who feared becoming infected themselves.The plague struck with lightning speed- within half an hour of catching it, a person could die."

So I got inspired by this story, and wrote about a lonely young girl who is dying from this illness, and writes a will to prove her existence.
The Unveiled Secret:Masque Of The Red Death

These scarlet stains upon my body
A mark of suffering and endless pain
Alone with a dark future ahead
My will is all that shall remain

Prejudice and fear has gripped all hearts
Repentence and regret in every mind
But I, I will rest alone, and young
In my damp and bedded prison I lie

I have nothing to give, and nothing to hide
An invisible life I have led in the past
But you can take my bitterness, my sorrow and my eyes,
To look through a different perspective, a shadow in disguise

To prove my existence I have put pain into words
Being shunned and avoided is part of this world

These are the reasons why I have written this will
For the ignorance that I'd love to kill
For the past and present, for now and then
And as I finish this sentence, my pains will end.

Okay that's the end of the poem. Currently listening to a really cute MCR song. It sounds very Broadway-Popish. It's dark but they made it sound so effing ADORABLE!!!! Not many bands can pull THAT off. Hah. The song is called 'Kill All Your Friends'. Here's a few lyrics:

"'Cause we're all a bunch of animals,
And never paid attention in school.
So tell me all about your problems,
I was killing before killing was cool."

Uhhhh....I'm in the library right now and trying very hard not to laugh. The song is so FREAKING CUTE!!! And Gerard's voice sounds a little weird in this song. As in SEXY WEIRD. AAAhhh...I'm in heaven. Ooops Gerard is telling me to do my Malay homework now. Fine...I will do it after I copy the lyrics down. HEHEH. I will go home today after SYF and drown my erm...~~sorrows?~~ inhibitions in MCR's new CUTESIE song. Oh yea zing just gave me this anti-emo article from 8Days. I'm never buying that magazine again. Actually I've only bought one issue of 8Days in my life. I think that mag kinda sucks now. What kind of writers do they have anyway?? Thanks ZING!!! Luv ya.

+BYE+

Freedom of expression

2007-04-02T02:56:00.000-07:00

Uhhh.....today Jade asked me why I'm a totally different person in my blog. I told her I've a split personality. Haha okay. I just feel like expressing myself here. If I keep everything bottled up I'll be really quiet and crazy. Erm...like the first part of the year.

Anyway I was surfing youtube just now and I watched a clip about emo blobs. They are so freaking cute....and it was so emo it made my tear ducts tear. One of the blobs had a bubble over it, and it was giving a heart to another blob, and the bubble said "Please don't break this". Awww. Another good one was a picture of a sad blob who was holding a sign that read 'Hugs 5cents.' Sniffles. There was a scene where a crying blob went to the doctor holding a bowl which had a dead fish inside, and the doctor blob said "Your fish seems to have died of thirst.Have a band-aid and come back to see me in three weeks". That was so sad. Last one...heheh. In this scene, there were two blobs. It was raining, and the blob with the umbrella held it over the blob without an umbrella, and it said "If you get wet, you'll get sick." To watch it, just head over to youtube and type in MCR (I Don't Love You) emo blobs.

Maybe I'm a lonely girl in the middle of something I don't understand.How can you be happy when I'm dying inside because of you? Not tomorrow, not now...just yesterday I died because of you. I can't save you, I can barely save myself.The cuts in my skin are deep, but the cuts in my heart are even deeper. I hate you.

Feeling very emo now, coz I just didn't have time to finish my Maths. I don't want to disappoint myself. I feel so angry with Hanis. Why can't you do anything right, hanis?? You're so fucking stupid. You mess everything up. Everyone hates you for who you are. You are dumb and are not pretty enough for anyone. People lose hope on you. You can't even keep a friend or pass a motherfucking test. The past, the present, the future, what the hell matters??? You're going to die alone, and young. Noone will come to your funeral. You try so hard to be the person everyone wants you to be and you don't even care about what YOU want, then go on feeling pissed with yourself. Like a bed of roses there's a dozen reasons in this gun.

EEEE. Disgusting. Disgusting. Disgusting.
Today I wrote a poem.

Close to home but far away
In a broken land I've grown astray
A pool of blood has drawn me in
The line of envy, jealous sin
An opaque light shines through this hole
Unfeeling, invisible, but with no hope
I trudge on through this fiery water
Leaving behind all that's mortal
Somehow, somewhat, an angel will appear
In the form of death, unfeeling, unfeared
But for now, i'll just sleep and wait;
Waiting for death to lull me awake.

I really like it. Sigh.... it's such a sad day. Today I was so tempted to cry. It's just...I need an outlet. For all that's happened to me. My mom doesn't like me. At night, when she thinks I'm asleep, she goes to my bro's room and tells him that he must never end up like me. I can hear her. I never really rest. She's never really good enough for anyone. No wonder I wake up at 3am everyday. It's so....painful. I can't type anymore.

O yea..I watched another vide on youtube that made me cry. It's called smile. Go figure.

HATED REFLECTION.

History.

2007-03-30T06:13:00.000-07:00

Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you guys about this AMAZING thing that happened to me during the history CA...

So there I was, and for fifteen minutes I couldn't think of what to write down. Then I caught sight of Gerard's face under my table.

[hanis]: gerard...help me!!!
[gerard]: -pushes me off my chair and looks at pictorial source- Look at the bumboats.
[hanis]: -scrambles back on chair- Uhms...there are weird shelter thingies on them?
[gerard]: which means...
[hanis]: They work in all sorts of weather!!
[gerard]: Yep. Now go ask Frank and the rest of the band.
-asks each member desperately until I've had about seven points-

~after the test...~

[hanis]: Thanks guys. I don't know what I'll do without you.
[My Chemical Romance]: No problem.
[Gerard]: I think you'll get between 8-10.
[hanis]: Okay...thanks again!

Random stufff.

2007-03-30T05:11:00.000-07:00

Wow. Today was Sports Day. Uhh.. I was consumed by jealousy. Envious of it. Huh. What the hell? Everyone hates us now. Bimboes. Nice...but...ums...how the hell do I put this nicely? Okay. It was plain stupid. Stuck-up asses. Nice..but uhh. Not what I was hoping for. Heh. *disappointments. I was in the stands and everyone was gossiping about you... kinda glad I wasn't there. They were like "Huh? What bimboes!" And I almost told them to shut up but I realized that if I were them I'd say the same thing. But nevermind that now. It's a free world. "Yes, you have the right to your own opinion, and I have the right to think you're stupid"-Gerard Way. ~~I am being very random.~~

Oh yeah... I was one of the few ppl who hadn't passed up my progress report, (I've handed it up already!) I just gave it to The Sin today, coz I was scared shitless of what my mom and dad would say. To make matters worse, my dad threatened to take away my MP3(with all my MCR inside!) if I don't get 75% and above for at least two subjects...(I had only one)...so yeah. And I was like, at my house...and waiting...but before that I talked to Gerard.

[hanis]: -pacing up and down, up and down- What the hell am I supposed to do, Gerard? I'm gonna be separated from your music!!!
[gerard]: -stares coolly back at me- What are you so afraid of?
[hanis]: -gives Gerard a withering stare- What am I afraid of? How can you say that? My marks!!!! They're not good enough for my parents!!
[gerard]: You don't always have to be perfect. Besides, I'm not worried. You'll do much better next term.
[hanis]: -wrings hands desperately- But my parents aren't gonna see it that way! I know my parents better than you do, Gee. Have I given you a reason to not trust my intuition?
[gerard]: -folds his arms, leans on the wall and looks at me- Have I given you a reason to not trust mine?
[hanis]: You are so irritating! Seriously... I can't live without your music.
[gerard]: -laughs- I don't know what the fuss is all about, doll. It'll be fine, and you'll do better nxt term. Now you'd better go before she calls The Sin or something.

-I storm off angrily, clutching my progress report and looks for my mom and dad-

[hanis]: -whispers to myself- How can he say that? My parents have never been happy with my grades!

-hands over progress report-

[mom]: What's this? Oh yes... I was on the verge of calling Mrs Sin.
[hanis]: -raises eyebrows-
[mom]: -scans progress card-
[hanis]: Uh...you'll need to sign.
[mom]: Oh...I see. Hmm. Keep it up.
[hanis]: -wails dramatically- I know!!! If I keep this up my MP3 will be all alone!!
[mom]: -confused looks- Well, you've improved.
[hanis]: -shocks, staggers backwards- What? I have?? I need an eye check.
[mom]: You have. Look, for Maths, you've jumped up 4 grades. For science, all you have to do is work harder, but you've improved by one grade. History...needs a bit of work. But I'm so proud of your Geography marks. You've gone from an F9 to an A2. A 30 to 72. Good work!

-stares into space for hours and then shuts myself in my room-

[hanis]: Oh god...that was freaky. It's so difficult for my mom to praise me... What the hell????
-lies down on bed, unthinking-
-Gerard appears next to me-
[gerard]: -smirks- So.... SOmeone owes Someone an apology...
[hanis]: Bb-b-but how did you know????
[gerard]: -laughs- I don't.
[hanis]: I hate it when you do your mystery man bullshit... fine. I'm sorry.
[gerard]: No harm done. See ya!!

-still stares into space-

My Imagination part III

2007-03-27T17:56:00.000-07:00

So... yes..

I was so beat yesterday after Drama SYF I slept in the bus. Sheesh. Such degradation. Slept as in, I treated the chairs like my bed. HAHAHAHA. ha. SO when I got home I started doing my erm...my erm... my.. tuition homework...hmm. I can't remember. I was doing SOMETHING. Then I have absolutely NO IDEA what the HELL happened to me...but I started to dream a fabulously mixed-up dream. I dreamt... ( or visioned, really...it felt so real...) that MCR came to visit me. Nothing surprising about that...they've been doing it a lot lately. So we were in a coffeeshop. I was pissed because I didn't get to see their concert...and I found them in a coffeeshop. ~~I mean, a COFFEESHOP????~~ And then they saw me and walked towards me. Then we watched 2 girls in TKGS uniforms eating nearby. Frank(second guitarist) seemed to read my mind and then we went to kill the two girls. Uhhh.....yeah. We killed them. No no...more like TORTURED them. We used a variety of different everyday tools...like wenches, pens, knives, the coffee table... umm. No one seemed to see us doing the deed. So when they died, they were totally UNRECOGNISABLE. Haha. I felt a sense of power when I killed them. Like 'HAH see who won now???' kind of thing. The rest of the band ran away when we killed them coz they don't like the idea of revenge. Even if they do sing about it, they only write songs about it coz they want ppl to know what the consequences will be if you do it. Anyway, killing IS extreme. I guess through this ...dream... I found Frank's true identity. And it's kinda true coz I watched a vid yesterdae...AFTER THE DREAM...and Frank was a little pissed at his fans coz they were selfish and hogging him like... and they didn't allow the rest to see him. So yeah. I guess there's more to Frank than we know.

So after the double murder we buried their bodies in the field, together with the blood-stained murder weapons. Everything was happy for a while. Then one day, the band left for their tour. Suddenly. They didn't even say goodbye. the next day I saw a yellow-machine-like thingy digging up the fields. I knew that their bodies would have rotted, but I was concerned about the bloody weapons. Then Clarissa ~~CLARISSA?!?!?!~~ went up to me and she was like...'hanis haha hanis we've never heard anything from that band that you like... where do you think they've gone??? I pity you...you've never met them before.' So I said yes, I've met them before. But she didn't believe me. So I said that we've killed two girls from TKGS. Uhhh...she still didn't belive me. So I dug up one of the murder weapons--a wench. It was blood-stained and all. For some weird reason the blood hasn't dried. Then Clarissa looked scared and all, and I, the lunatic, was waving the wench around, and told Clar that if she were to tell on me, I would kill her. But then her face cleared, and she said that I wouldn't DARE kill her. And i said..'wanna bet?' And she said... 'I know you won't kill me coz when you killed those two girls, you were with a band. Without them, you'll be nothing.'

At that point of time I sorta woke up on my bed...hmm... I don't remember going to bed that night...such was my mind. And then I remembered that line Clar said..."Without them...you'll be nothing." I guess that's true. Then, in the wee hours of the morning... it was 4.30 am, I remember, coz i looked at the clock....I asked MCR why they left me that night. So erm, if you were to see me that mornin, you would think I'm a mental escapee. ~~escapee...so there's such thing as an escaper???~~ And then they told me...shit I can't remember what they told me...oh yeah. They said that I was stressed that day, so they wanted to make me feel in control again. By murder. I smiled, remembering the blood and screams. So I guess MCR DID do me a favor. then I asked about Clarissa. They said that Clarissa will be a prominent figure in the future, so that's why they chose her. Hmm...heard that Clar? Not prominent as in....President or anything, but Prominent as in my life. Hmm...something to dwell on. Or maybe it's just coz there's more to Clar that we don't know.

I asked why she said that really weird line. MCR said that that wasn't their doing, it was my own feelings. I KNOW I can't survive without MCR. So yea.

Sheesh. What a dream. What a dream. Then I told MCR that I didn't really want to murder anymore...ok wait I'll tell you what they said.

[hanis]: Murder? Isn't that a bit extreme?
[gerard]: yea. But that's what is hidden inside you. You want to rip them apart.
[hanis]: -casts weary look- Gerard. I thought you hated revenge.
[gerard]: Umhmm. Sorry dear, I was only trying to help. you were really stressed yesterday.
[hanis]: I know.
[gerard]: as lead rains...we'll pass on through... a phantom...forever and ever..
[hanis]: i love that song. Sing more.
[gerard]: A scarecrow...that fuels this flame..is burning...forever and ever...like a bed of roses there's a dozen reasons in this gun.
[hanis]: -smiles- There. Instead of murder you could instead sing to me. You voice is really soothing.
[gerard]: I'm trying...I'm trying...to let you know how much you mean...
-gerard sings until 6 am-
[hanis]: -leans over and kisses everone on the cheek-. Bye guys. Try to be back here again tonight. No murder please. Right now let's pretend words speak louder than actions.
[gerard]: Whatever you say is reality, hanis.
[hanis]: -slings bag over shoulder- all right then. Words ARE louder than actions.
[gerard]: -leans into my ear and whispers- Then there's no need to pretend.

My Imagination part II

2007-03-27T01:26:00.000-07:00

I did tell you guys that I just finished reading the Blood Confessions, right??? I'll tell you a little bit about the story. It's based on the legend of a sadistic girl named Erzebet Bathory, and she bathes in the blood of virgins to make herself more beautiful and immortal. So yea...she killed like, a lot of young girls. But you must also sympathize with her. I can't explain it here...you must read the book. Well, haha after finishing the book I realized that me and Erzebet have a lot in common.

I like to be alone, like her. And I'm also very protective of my friends. And I don't like the idea of marriage. ~~Marianna=Siaw ee..hahahha~~ All I need is a couple of virgin girls and their blood. Come to think of it, I'm already halfway there. Oh yeah... and Erzebet is a countess, so she basically does anything she wants to her servants. Like me. In primary school I used to treat a lot of my classmates like servants, (tho I don't think they realized it) and it was nice having that power. Even tho I treated them like servants I used to reward them with kindness and normal friendship entertainment. So that's why they don't feel the pain. But it got to the point where I just wasn't used to rejection. So there was this time... when I slapped a very dear friend of mine. Like SLAP SLAP SLAP. I slapped till her cheeks turned blood-red and she began crying. I hated her at that point of time because she LOVED contradicting me. She's nice but she picks on me. I wasn't a very good child in primary school, and she was like my surrogate mother. That's why during the arena... when Yingbin talked back to me like that and the entire class was cheering her on... I got transported back to the past. And I felt this wave of anger burn through me, and it took every ounce of my willpower to NOT slap her. Kill her. Rip her apart. But then I realized this was Yingbin, and not my poor friend in primary school.

So yeah...she told her mom and she was like, 'don't hang around her again', but she came to me like a dog wagging it's tail and said sorry, I shouldn't have talked back like that. So obviously she was asking for an apology. That time, I don't say sorry. For minor things, yea. But not major things like this. Betrayal. Betrayal. Betrayal. So I looked at her.. knowing I would never rest till this thing was past...and said sorry. But no, I didn't mean it.
It's the exact same thing I felt this year. When my ~~friends~~ classmates betrayed me like that I apologised, but only because the counsellor threatened me to say it. Urgh...don't wanna talk abt the stupid counsellor.

"And through it all, how could you cry, for me? Coz I don't feel bad about it...There ain't no way that I'm sorry for what I did.." -MCR, 'Sleep'. Yep. that's how i feel. I guess... I've had a really rough time in primary school.

In primary school, we didn't really know MCR, so I created an alter-ego. I've had her since primary 1. Her name was Denise. My favorite pastime was to write about her back then, so when I read back my journal entries I realized it was full of her and not me. Denise this...Denise that... Until in Primary 4, Denise died. She died in her sleep. My heart ached for this girl who never really existed, and wanders around only when I am alone. She became so real in Primary 3. I remember, because at that time my friends were not very close to me, coz they created new cliques and everything. I felt left out. So when I was alone in my room... Denise tended to my sorrows. It felt SO REAL that I could actually feel her gentle touch. Her hair...her dress. I saw it everywhere. She told me not to shun solitude, but to embrace it. Then will attention be seeked. I have started to embrace loneliness, Didi. Are you happy now??? sigh... Loneliness...can be both a curse and a blessing, I suppose.

I remember the night Didi died. I was sleeping too, and it was so...peaceful. So quiet. I didn't dream of anything...just blackness. A soft, swirling mass of black...so soft...so pure. Which was weird coz normally I suffer from very disturbing dreams. Then. I saw her. smiling. she told me I would find someone else soon. She told me she won't be lonely, coz someone who knows me will join her. I wanted to join her. And almost did. But I didn't know where the hell she was going, and what she meant, so I let her go. Then the next day I woke up with my father checking my temperature. He looked worried and he told me that last night, when he came back from work at about 12 midnight, he heard very rugged, uneven breathing...like the kind of breathing you usually hear when ppl are about to die. He was so scared and he checked on me. So yea. It was me. He was so afraid and that I would die in my sleep...So i found out the reason. i think something was blocking my windpipe... But as he was about to take me to the hospital my breathing returned to normal. I think that was the time when I let go of Denise. I had wanted to follow her, and almost did, so maybe that's why I was dying. (I TOLD you I had an active imagination) The next year my grandfather died. I loved him so much. So maybe Denise had warned me of his coming death...I don't know.

Now, looking back, sometimes I wished I had never woken up. My life has turned out to be a living nightmare.

My Imagination.

2007-03-26T06:15:00.000-07:00

I remember that old barney song. It still remains my favorite. -Just imagine...just imagine...just imagine all the things that we...could be...imagination's fun for you and me...-
I'm 13 and yet I have an imagination as wild as a young child.
Don't believe me??? I'll show you an excerpt of my imagination scribbles...I bet Siaw EE would like this...

Dated 26th march, 9.26 p.m.

"I just finished reading The Blood Confessions. My Chemical Romance=My Sinestra. But currently not liking Sinestra. Well. Ameera just gave me an MCR poster. Yea her! I've started talking to The Black Parade...(the alter-ego of MCR). Sometimes I do get mixed up between the two. But I know MCR is the nicer one. Gerard is currently looking over my shoulder and reading this. He is now smirking. Laughs. Bob's tucked away at a corner of my room, listening to his MP4. Ray's checking out my guitar, Mikey is looking at my pictures and books. frank's at the com, playing a game. gerard is minding everyone's business except his own. heh him.

[gerard]: Frank is so engrossed in the game...he's holding his dick!!!-lafs-
[frank]: -tosses pillow at gerard- Shut up.
[ray]: Dude. your guitar is seriously out of tune. -starts playing it horribly-
[gerard]: -tosses pillow at ray- get out.
[Mikey]: this is YOU? -grabs my photo- Wow. You look nice.
[hanis]: Don't let Alicia(his fiancee) hear you say that. -thinks- actually yea, let her hear you.
[mikey]: -grins- Wishful thinking.
[hanis]: Gerard...-whines- are you sure you don't have any more brothers???
[gerard]: -grins- Wishful thinking.
[frank]: Aaah shut up you bitches.

-hanis goes to Bob and messes his hair up-

[bob]: it took me 20 minutes to do my hair!!!
[hanis]: -looks disbelievingly- You???
[bob]: Oh all right. My hairstylist.
[hanis]: idiot. -sits down next to bob- What cha listening to??
[gerard]: knowing him it will probably be the sounds of nature.
[frank]: mmmm...orgasmic thought.
[hanis]: -smiles and loops fingers through mikey's belt- Your eyes are hot.
[mikey]: Don't let alicia hear you. -smiles and looks into my eyes-
[Bob]: -sings in a horribly loud voice- I wanna love you!!!
[hanis]: He sure knows how to take the glamour out of everything.
[Ray]: -joins in the singing-
[hanis]: Oh god. Now I know why neither of them are singers.
[mikey]: you don't know the real reason yet. -waggles eyebrows-
[hanis]: Mike? let's go down for pizza.
[gerard]: Can't do that, sweet. Too much ppzee.
[hanis]: aww. Then why can't we DO something??-flops onto bed-
[gerard]: -in a low and sexy voice- I could be your entertainment fling.
[hanis]: -grins- Wishful thinking.
-Gerard tickles me and a pillow fight soon ensues-
[frank]: -laughing- Shit I think I've got a feather in my nose!
[ray]: thanks for that impressive picture.
[bob]: Aww. My earphones broke.

-looks at Frank-

[frank]: What? I ain't done nutin'.
[gerard]: If you call ripping pillowcases and jumpin' off desks nutin, I wonder what sumtin' means to you.
[frank]: -growls- Making out with Hanis. -swipes me into his arms-
[hanis]: -laughing- -pushes frank away- Don't cut it out, Frank. I'm straight.
[bob]: -Continues laughing after everone stops, then falters at Mikey's face-
[Mikey]: -looks at watch- -yelps- Look at the freaking time!!
[hanis]: -pleads- It's only two to 12!!
[Mikey]: Sorry, hon. We gtta go.
[hanis]: -races to them while they get ready to leave- Are you coming back again tomorrow night?
[gerard]: -turns around and gazes at me with meltingly adorable eyes- Hey. Doll.

-I look up reluctantly-

[gerard]: -cups my chin and whispers- Don't stop if I fall, and never look back..Baby bury me and fade to black.

-bye.-

:(

2007-03-23T05:54:00.000-07:00

I HATE MYSELF!!!!!!

DO YOU HAVE TO TORTURE ME EVRYDAY??

YOU DIDN'T EVEN APOLOGISE TO ME!!!!! YOU FUCKED-UP FUCKER!!!! APOLOGISE!!!! SHUT UP SHUT THE HELL UP I SWEAR I WILL COME IN ON MONDAY AND BASH YOU TILL YOU DIE

DO I HAVE TO BE THERE WHEN THEY WIN???? WHY DOES IT FEEL LIKE I AM A JINX???

AM I?

I CANNOT STAND THEM WINNING. SHIT WINNING IS THE ONLY THING I NEED RIGHT NOW.

I ONLY QUIT COZ I THOUGHT I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO TAKE THE REJECTION. LOOK! NOW YOU WON!

CRAP MYSELF. I HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE MYSELF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

KILL ME. THAT'S THE ONLY THING YOU CAN DO TO MAKE ME LIFELESS AGAIN. MAKE ME UNSUFFERING...UNKNOWING...INVISIBLE...

MCR SAVE ME SO.

Gerard Way being effing funny!

2007-03-21T04:32:00.000-07:00

Gerard Way: "The Black Parade was the most challenging obstacle we had to face... We met in the parking lot...They brought knives...they cheated...they had an affair..."

Interviewer (with an exasperated look): "So you mean it was difficult?"

Gerad Way: "Yeah."

Hhehehehehe!!! Here's another one:

Interviewer: "So how have things changed since you went on tour? I heard that you (Gerard) and Mikey were living in a basement before the tour."

Gerard Way: "That's funny....We're still living in a basement."

AWWWW. He's so freaking humble. XD XD XD XD XD XD

MCR'S NEW VIDEO!!!!!

2007-03-20T01:36:00.000-07:00

OH MY GOD!!! Gerard is effing HOT!!!

MCR has this video that is not aired on MTV yet, and it's called I Don't Love You. I JUST LOVE THAT SONG!!! I watched Famous Last Words for a month before it got aired on MTV, so yeah.

That video is less energetic than Famous Last Words, but it emits -if possible- more exuberantness and emoness than Famous Last Words. It's so EMO!!! Gerard just pulled in everything and made it so EMO. EMO EMO EMO.

Go check it out on Youtube. I Don't Love You. XD

SCREAM BLOODY MURDER!!

2007-03-19T02:34:00.000-07:00

Today my dear CLARISSA has made an offer: Why not write about me killing her in my blog??
So yes, I shall.
ONce upon a time...that was neither yesterday or today but eternally present, there lived a young~~innocent~~girl named CLASASA.

But her pitifully short 14 year old life was about to come to an end. A prisoner escaped from the nearby mental hospital. WHOOPS.

Seeing the little Clasasa, the mentally unstable escapee followed her home after her softball practice. When finally, there was no one around, she took out 2 metres length of rope and some tape, then grabbed the unsuspecting Clasasa from behind. She tied her down and taped her mouth shut. But the Clasasa girl wasn't going without a fight. She begin to whine through the tape. "Help meeEEeeeEEE"....until the escapee found it annoying and took out a sewing needle and thread. She literally sewed her mouth shut, beginning from the bottom lip and then pushing through upwards to the upper lip, ignoring the blood and the half-sewn screams that were being emmitted by her victim.

After finishing her sewing, she then proceeded to take other things out of her bag. ~~I bet Mrs.Sin will be proud of my sewing skills~~A tweezer. She began to pluck every single strand of her head right out of her head, a process which took 5 hours, but she didn't care. She enjoyed witnessing the girl's pain, as if it mirrored her own.

After that she took a lighter and began to heat a piece of aluminium tin can with it. When it was hot, she pressed it firmly onto the girl's face, ever so carefully. When she released the can, her victim's face was black and red all over.~~my favorite colours!~~ Cackling to herself, she took out a knife. A sharp gleaming piece of metal. <3 She stood up and started on the difficult job of skinning her ALIVE. Little by little, she cut her skin ever so slowly, making sure the skin didn't break. Soon, it was nightfall, and Clasasa was just flesh all over, her face streaked with tears of EXCRUCIATING pain. After skinning her, the mad person cut into her abdomen carefully, intricatingly, until it revealed her intestines. By now the dear Clasasa was going in and out of conciousness, minutes away from death.

She pulled out the intestines and used them as rope instead of the normal ropes that bound her victim. The small intestine she kept for herself. She sat down, suddenly ravenous, and started chewing on the blood-soaked guts. Bite after delicious bite, oblivious to the blood running down her cheeks. With that finished, she ripped open her chest and found lovely ribcages. Breaking them one by one, she eventually found the heart, pulsating angrily, it's last few seconds of living. The escapee smiled, then placed her hand on her heart, suffocating it, until it stopped beating.

Knowing there was only a few minutes until Clasasa had no oxygen going through her, she quickly gouged out her eyeballs with her fingers, prying it out. Her victim still could feel a little, and her body jerked in response to the pain. Finding this irritating, she deftly chopped her limbs off with her butcher knife. 10 seconds left till this girl went to heaven.

Feeling a sudden gush of sympathy, the mental patient took out her last weapon to put out this girl's pain: a 4.5 revolver.

Aiming accurately at her frontal lobe, she fired, the noise so disturbing that she had to sit down. Fortunately, no one heard the shot that clearly, them being in a deserted place. As she looked at the brains that spewed out from the hole in her head, the last moments of life that still lingered in her mangled remains of her body, she began the journey home.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

She went to school as usual, with the excuse that she had visited her aunt in Australia during a family emergency, and stayed there for 3 months. At the news of her classmate's death, they all gathered at her grave and exchanged messages of goodwill. But her, looking at the faces of those around, suddenly noticing that this crowd included the ones that have caused her pain and suffering, suddenly broke down in the middle of the field. Suddenly she screamed. "I wanted them to feel my pain, not you! I'm so sorry..." Then, before anyone could react, she took out a 4.5 revolver, then aimed it at two girls, with faces of guilt and fear.The noise, ever disturbing, combined with the deep sound of the church bells and thesun setting over the blood of black hearts, made her make a decision.

"I took your blood, Clarissa. You deserve to have mine now."

That gunshot.

Ever disturbing.

Of all the things in the world...

2007-03-16T01:20:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went for my ice skating lessons.
I'm quite happy with myself coz I made some progress in my backwards circle skate. Basically you have to practice your backwards wiggle, backwards scissors, backwards "stepping", and generally skating backwards. Which is a lot before you can do your skate backwards in a circle. So yeah, my circle was kinda shoddy, coz my backwards scissors isn't that great. But still, I managed to skate in a circle. YEA ME!!

Hah. So now I have tons of muscles~~and blisters~~. And after skating, I went to eat choc chips, which made my gums bleed again. So I was eating chocolate and my blood, which isn't a great combo, but I was really hungry.

Though I have made a pact to go on a diet. My cheerleading uniform for Drama SYF was measured when I was at my absolute THINNEST, and I've gained like, 5 kg this year. Plus I pity the poor ppl I'm standing on. So my diet will consist of salads and plain water. I ate a salad for breakfast, but during Drama Mrs. Chua and Mr.Matt bought us pizzas. URGH. My diet is blown off today. HAHA. After SYF we had a Drama 'bitch' session, where we basically bitch and backstab ppl we hate or recommend ppl we love.SO WHAT? It's evil, but it's what bonds us closer. Yep, us all, Mrs.Chua and Mr.Matt. I don't think any other CCA does that. HAH.

I have to see the doctor now. I dont know whats wrong with me... see ya

My Will and Testimony.

2007-03-14T03:56:00.000-07:00

To Whom It May Concern:

Shut up you fucking bitches.
You have proved that you have no life...
By bitching and backstabbing me.

LEAVE ME ALONE you goddamned MOTHERFUCKERS

Don't ever SPEAK to me again: you make me hate myself every time I see your face.

Everyone likes you and may take your side if they know what has happened: But I know that beneath that facade of popularity and sweetness you have a BLACK BLACK fucking BLACK heart.
You wanted to become a freaking psychologist: But you should place a warning label outside your office:

COME ONLY If YOU WANT YOUR LIFE RUINED.

You know what? I could be your case study.

The other one? Please. You are freaking SPOILT. Just Goddamned SPOILT. U r like Paris Hilton complaining she doesn't have enough GUCCI in her wardrobe.

I don't hate you. I hate what you did to me. And slowly, I'm starting to hate myself too.

Continuation of OUCH.

2007-03-14T03:46:00.000-07:00

My mysterious illness has taken a turn for the worse.

It has spread to my eyes, and for some reason, when I blink with my left eye, it hurts like hell. I'd like to think God really is helping me.

I feel so cold. I'm having a fever. But I'm not telling anyone exept you guys.... coz I really don want other ppl to feel sorry for me. But you can lavish your concern on me for all I care. Today I couldn't concentrate on Drama because I felt so horrible--physically. I was really bitchy this week, using a sharp voice with everyone and everything. I really kept to myself this year...

I even left Drama quietly today...before it ended. The person-who-calls-herself-a-counsellor will be angry. But she can hit me or be her own bitchy self. Ow ow ow. My neck is starting to hurt again. ow ow ow ow. My thigh is hurting too, not because of the illness but for reasons that me myself and I only know.

The left side of my face is really swollen and hurting.
I really don wanna go back to school nxt week. I cannot see their faces anymore please.
My keyboard is wet and I can't see what I'm typing.

OUCH

2007-03-14T03:08:00.000-07:00

yes. Ouch.

Today I woke up only to find my entire left cheek swollen and bruised. When I moved my mouth, it felt like there was something stuck in the crevice of my teeth and my cheek. I checked it, and guess what I found? My gums at the side of my left cheek were swollen and bloody. OUCH.

I couldn't eat that much coz when I do, my gums start to bleed again. And now I'm having horrible throbbing pains that shoot up from my neck to the left part of my head. It feels as though someone is stabbing a blunt knife into my head from time to time.

It's really painful and I was really grumpy today. It hurts, like, seriously. Someone offer me flowers and MCR stuffz.

Maybe it's not such a bad thing. Maybe God has granted my wish to fall sick and not be able to go to school for the entire week. What a coward I am. Who says I can't be positive??

Threeio

2007-03-11T21:50:00.000-07:00

Me, yingbin and amanDa are staying back at Com lab 3 after scienzation camp...not sure if that's allowed. But we found it open...and we opened it. currently listening to My chemical Romance. famous Last words. That song freaking rocks. Even some non-mcr fans like it. Hah.

We are shrouded in darkness....can't switch on the lights in case someone finds us. And the air con is freezing. Freezing...brrr.

Shit I feel uneasy.

SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSsssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..
Listen.
She's coming...

Don't turn around.

Sunday...

2007-03-11T19:49:00.000-07:00

Sunday... which was yestersay..

Right now having scienzation camp (using comp. illegally!)

Anyway yesterday I went to a cute Indonesian Cafe with a couple of girlfriends.. and we saw like, really hot indonesian waiters!!!

there was this one guy who looked like he was a member of some band (I'm talking bout Pete Wentz from Fall Out Boy) He had outlined eyes that looked totally hot, and he was wearing Louie Vuitton boxers!!!!! His pants were like, really low and his belt was a branded GREEN DAY one. GAWD.

PLUS!!!! The one thing that made me fall in love with him was that he was wearing a MY CHEMICAL ROMANCE black tie!!!!! ARRRRGGGGHHH!!!!!!

I was like, "Can I please touch that tie??" And he said yeah. OMGosh. When I held that tie, it felt like I was in Nirvana. There were angels and Stuff like that. So after the whole tie business...there were not so many ppl left in the cafe so the waiters sat down and chatted with us. Shucks I love their accent. It's so fluent and soothing.... OMG OMG

Okay I'll rush through this yea... ~~Sarah Tan is impatient~~ When we talked I found out that these celebrity-look-alikes are all sons of Millionaires. Talk about RICH!!!

so, after 2 blissful hours of talking to them, we paid and left. Gawd I wish I could go there again. I would kill to have that hot waiters' black MCR tie. ~~MAybe Sarah Tan will like to be my victim~~

HOT WAITERS AWAIT ME.

BYE!!

I DON'T WANT TO

2007-03-09T04:06:00.000-08:00

SAVE ME SOMEONE SAVE ME SOMEONE PLEASE

PLEASE PLEASE

HELPPPP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THANK GOD THERE'S MCR

too late. HANIS DIED.

I HOPE YOU ARE HAPPY

:) :) :) let us all rejoice, for hanis has left us. That good for nothing brat. Always hangs around us like as if SHE'S part of 2E3.

Yeah I know. Like, she didn't even go for a single CHEERLEADING practice.

What the HELL is wrong with that kid?? Always act emo lah, as if something horrible happened to her last year-

Yalah!! She like so whatever-- Not as if her parents died or something like that, right?

"An invitation to my funeral"? Urgh puleez-I wouldn't even go if her funeral gave away free cars or something.

2E3 laughs, drinks coke and shares chips during recess (in class-it's a special occasion-the teachers are all joining in the fun)

Not noticing the girl with long wavy locks, drenched in blood, holding a knife at the back of the class.

Not until the sudden slashing across the neck of two girls.
And as the minutes ticked by, one by one, they all dropped dead in a pool of blood.
"You jump, I jump, together we die! 2e3 united"
My revenge is now complete.

Commitments

2007-03-09T03:33:00.000-08:00

Cheerleading???

I used to think that all these competitions mean a lot to me, but now I don't think so anymore. I now think it's a frigging waste of time. I just can't get over what happened last year. What kind of jugdes do they have, anyway?

why do I even CARE???

I have just so many commitments...I wish there's some way to wipe away all of these empty promises...Why doesn't life come with an eraser? I think she's mad at me. Today I think I acted super bitchy. I was all, like, giving these catty looks and snide remarks. I'm down for Maths remedial. Shit--another commitment. With the Pang. I was actually supposed to have it with the Chua (with Sarah Wee) but I changed it.

So now Sarah Wee's alone.

ALONE.
ALONE.
Unless she changes.
Change.

What am I crapping about?

A leopard never changes it's spots. ya know what?? I think Danica was right. She said I think too much. I'm currently alone at home. It's a very nice feeling. Being alone, I mean. I can just forget everything. I wonder how much more I can take. Scarring me forever.

She's very quiet nowadays, d'ya think???
I hope its because she's finally feeling something.

I am SOOO tempted to give my blog add. to them...should I??? I could be inviting more trouble than I already have. It's pretty obvious I'm talking about them. It's their fault. They didn't include in their contract that I couldn't blog abt them. HAha. loophole. Do you think they will report me again??

What's your opinion guys?

If a friend you trusted and hangs out with suddenly, at the end of the year, reports you to the counsellor because she claims that she's been "bullied" by you throughout the year, how would you feel???
You confront her but she says she's merely "helping" you. Helping my fuck.

I feel so betrayed...and it's not the first time.

How many of you see me as a threat?????!!!???

I think now they see their mistake..but a simple sorry and a few tears ain't gonna fucking piece my life back. Yes, there's nothing that you can do. ~~except for maybe going up to the counsellor and telling her to fuck off, visit my family and tell them you are fucking sorry and to all my teachers, telling them you made a fucking mistake~~

I can't be bothered to talk to you guys. But hell yeah, I'm gonna keep crapping on you till I die.

Science

2007-03-08T18:25:00.000-08:00

Having Science now... Hahahahaha. Ha

Shit the bell just rang. Later having DEP and drama. Oh yea.

SEE YA!!!!

Today

2007-03-08T00:48:00.000-08:00

I bet y'all will be pleased that I'm writing something normal today-
I'm at the library, current time 4.5o pm, staying back with ~~siaw ee~~ a fellow MCR fan(I introduced her to the album and she fell in love with it-I love her!!! She bought me an MCR badge, which I happily pin on to my belt b4 going to school.)

Today was weird. Almost funny. ~~I saw Sarah Wee sneaking out of Maths remedial and she realized she forgot her handphone so she got Renee to take it back for her~~ Siaw ee got caught by her Chinese teacher and she was forced to go for remedial. HAHAHAH

I wonder why I get bored so easily nowadays??? People just can't seem to hold my attention very long. Glad I'm going to the cemetery this Tues. Gives me some time to unwind. Yes I know my blog is boring-
But there's summin wrong with uploading the skin.

Gotta go library' closing.

Love the words in my blog.

2E3

2007-03-08T00:07:00.000-08:00

Don't leave me alone
I'll devote my soul to you
Forever
Don't leave me alone

My master, what am I but your lowly servant?
Your wish is law
Unable to see that light
I grope for yor touch
But it has never been there

Invisibilty is not a power,
It is both a blessing
And a curse

Passing through these painted sky-blue walls
A path
Through the flowers and grass-vines
I still end up bleeding at the end-
That brick wall
Being my sole witness

You can never see her
Hiding under watchful eyes
Although sitting in a group of four
She has never felt more alone
In her life

Then those painted murals turn grey,
A fight between the black and the white,
The good and the evil
The live and the dead

She turns into a phantom

Unseeing and invisible, but still
Able to hear and feel
Through shattered dreams

A nightmare
That she is unable to wake up from
Driven to the point of cold unforgiveness
Alone
But unafraid

Uttered two words:
"Save me"

And all that comes are the hands of bitterness and disappointment
Wrapping around her like a bandage
So tight it hurt
Hiding an unhealing wound
She finds herself at the hands of various adults
Judging where she would go
And what she would do

What is psychology,
But something that rips you further apart
And decides what is wrong with you?

So tired of being judged
Tired of looking at their dimmed faces
Tired of doing any work
Tired of her life
When she visits the cemetery, won't she just love to
Curl up under the earth, a coward,
And hide away from the world above?

That figure and rejection brought so much pain
And suffering
But as you cried,
Comforting hands reached out for you
In forms of friends

She killed herself again and again
Her soul is now gone
All that is left is a shell
Unfeeling and untouched as any other empty hollow being

And although her eyes are streaked with revenge
Her arms lifting murderous weapons,
She still obeys your commands
Though has vowed never to do so again

This March 16th shall mark the end of her dying days
As she fixes on that fake smile and performs
Unable to lose.

Satisfaction.

What she will get from winning.

She has nothing and noone.
And though her words promise to never commit again,
It will be broken
A writer betrayed by her own words

Just sleep
Never wake up
When I'm on the other side,
Would you even realize that I have moved on?

And you do not see the girl for who she is now
But you will feed on her great wrath soon-
The powers of solitude

But as time passes, they will continue using her
And she will follow-
For she has never wanted to be alone
Never
Don't leave me alone.

SCREAMS OF ANGUISH

2007-03-07T23:56:00.000-08:00

I REALLY REALLY HATE THIS BLOG

why cant i upload the skin????

WHY WHY WHY WHY

u know what??? nevermind. I'm used to things disappointing me evreyday. I dont care if anyone stops reading my blog. SO FRUSTRATED. HATE HATE HATE HATE
I'll JUST leave this blog as a place to vent my anguish since the counsellor made me a contract saying I can't write ~~to those two ppl~~ anymore, so I don't want her to drag me back into that horrible abyss.

Let me go let me go let me go

2007-03-07T16:35:00.000-08:00

EVANESCENCE"My Immortal"
I'm so tired of being here
Suppressed by all my childish fears
And if you have to leave
I wish that you would just leave
'Cause your presence still lingers here
And it won't leave me alone

These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too real
There's just too much that time cannot erase
[CHORUS:]
When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears
When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fearsI
held your hand through all of these years
But you still have
All of me
You used to captivate me
By your resonating life
Now I'm bound by the life you left behind
Your face it haunts
My once pleasant dreams
Your voice it chased away
All the sanity in me
These wounds won't seem to heal
This pain is just too rea
lThere's just too much that time cannot erase
::Chorus::LyricsCafe.com::

I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone
But though you're still with me
I've been alone all along
::Chorus::LyricsCafe.com::

Can I sue them her?

2007-03-07T03:43:00.000-08:00

Stupid frigging counsellor.

I hate her. She has never given me a reason to trust her yet she expects me too. I don't think she knows that when I look at her all I ever want to do is shove a gun up her head and scream bloody murder. URGH. I am SUCH a good actress.

I would have maybe still tolerated that droopy woman if it weren't for the stupid incident last year.Them. WHY? ~~Can u tell me why you did this?~~ Why did they do that to me? ~~Was there more to that than just making my life ruin and shatter?~~

What they did triggered off my sleeping abilities and my tears. I seriously hate crying. I'll cry at the most weird moments and make up feeble excuses for it. ~~remember the arena?~~
How could I not when they were there??? Made me feel so small and helpless again... Sorry Yingbin but I seriously disagree. Mixed schools is definitely better. when you're being bitched about, at least half the school won't be able to give you bitchy looks.

They SAY they were helping me but there's this feeling deep down inside that is wielding a gun and a knife and I don't know whether it's meant for me or them. But there is one confirmed feeling however: Disappointment. Can people ever stop disappointing me? ~~last year it was pretty much the class. Before was my parents and my teachers.~~ That horrible meeting did me more harm than good. It left my heart in pieces and I can NEVER trust anyone again. I had difficulting joining contests because of the constant fear that I am being judged and rejected. Taken advantaged of. Name your pick. I really cannot take any more rejection please please please please

They say promises were meant to be broken. You know what? I think friendships are too.

You know there are various ways in which I can take revenge on-- but I won't sink to that level. When I see your face I just forgive you again and again. But when you are away I would hate everything you did that day- the way you walked, talked and the way you chewed your food. Then there are only four words in my mind- Fuck the fuck off.

Do you know what I've been through? My mom yelled at me after finding out what happened at the counsellors' and she was worried about the fact that you two might SUE ME. -'coz you're all rich hags and all- there I was screaming and begging at her knees to not tell my dad what happened coz I am afraid he would beat me up again with his horrendous belt. She agreed to not tell but she never trusted me again afterwards. Or she gave up hope. I dunno. But after that she began telling my brother to never end up like me when he grew older or she would dote on him when she thinks I am sound asleep. I have problems sleeping. I know everything that happens around me. You pretty much destroyed a little of my family, too, guys. Do me a favor-never "help" me out again.

I have another meeting with your darling counsellor after the march hols.

I hope you are happy with your final, sweet revenge.

I'm starting to have this image of the counsellor , bloodied from the head to the bottom, crawling towards me with a fatal gunshot wound to the head. Guess who's the holder? Me? No. I am not like that. But when I look closer, it IS me.

Then I wake up.

Can I still sue ~~them~~ her???

2007-02-24T19:53:00.000-08:00

BLOG CURRENTLY UNDER CONSTRUCTION

SOMETHING WRONG WITH THE STUPID BLOG SO I CAN"T UPLOAD THE DAMN SKIN

Loneliness

2007-02-22T01:02:00.001-08:00

Ask any loner-

They do not enjoy solitude-

It's just that they tried blending in before and people keep on DISAPPOINTING them.